To Feel
by rockbandstar
Summary: An encounter between Edward and Bella leads them to question their marriages and what love truly means to them. “I had an affair; I didn’t expect to fall in love in the process. I didn’t expect my world to change but it did." AU, All Human, ExB.
1. To Feel

**To Feel**

**A/N- While this isn't my first story, it is my first M rated one… please let me know what you think!**

It wasn't easy to pretend.

To pretend that when he wrapped his arms around her that it was just a simple gesture, when he kissed her that it didn't set her soul on fire.

She was a horrible liar, something she had been told hundreds of times, but that didn't keep her from lying to herself.

She had pictured that first moment they had met, standing between the swing-set each pushing their child, more times than she was willing to admit. It had only been a few days but it had felt like longer, she felt like she was drowning. She imagined every detail as he had embraced her, the flush that flooded her cheeks, the warm musk smell that permeated her senses, the way his arms had wrapped around her and pulled her in just a little bit tighter.

It was in that moment that he had kissed her.

The kiss was anything but innocent, and filled with more passion than she knew she could possess. They pulled back and looked at each other for a moment, neither acknowledging what this truly meant, and then they went their separate ways.

When she made it back to her friends, she pointedly ignored the stares and whispers choosing instead to focus on her daughter, making sure her needs were met.

--

"Dinner was great tonight." Mike stated pulling her from her thoughts.

"Thank you." Bella replied smiling softly at her husband before turning her attention to her daughter once more.

"I have to go back into the office to finish up some work," he replied "so don't wait up for me."

She nodded her head in acknowledgement as she cleared off the table. After putting her daughter to bed, she poured herself a glass of wine and sat on the couch letting the memories take her.

It was easy to get swept up in thoughts of him, thoughts of Edward. She pictured the way he had looked at her so intensely, his emerald eyes boring through her. It was crazy to think that it had only been a few days since she had first met him, first kissed him.

The thoughts caused a tingle to flow down her spine and she shuttered as she closed her eyes. She had gone back to the spot hoping to see him again, but with no luck. At one desperate point, the night before, she had contemplated calling him but had no number. The thought was foolish, as even if she did have his number she really didn't know what she would say if his wife answered.

Running her hands through her tangled hair she wondered if he thought about her, obsessed over that moment as much as she had. Shaking the thoughts out of her head she chastised herself for thinking them.

--

It had been a week and a half since she had seen him and she had forced the images and thoughts out of her head, forced herself back into a normal routine.

She made her way quickly through the aisles grabbing the things they needed, ignoring the other customers, focused on getting in and out as speedily as possible.

The sound of her name broke her from her trance and she recognized the voice immediately. Her heart rate accelerated and she felt a flush fill her cheeks as she turned to look at the man who had recently filled her every thought.

"Edward, how are you?" Bella asked smiling softly as she reached over and ruffled his son Emmett's hair.

He looked at her for a long minute before smiling and answering. "I've been fine; we had to take a little trip to see Grandma and Grandpa so now were re-stocking the fridge. And how have you been, Bella?"

"I've been well, thanks." Bella replied smiling as Edward leaned down and acknowledged her daughter, Alice.

"I've been thinking about taking Emmett to the park later today, would you care to join us?"

"We would love to," Bella replied her smile growing as she spoke "it is a lovely day."

"Lovely indeed." Edward replied looking at her and causing her to blush.

"Shall we say two o'clock?" Bella asked softly.

"Sounds perfect," Edward replied chuckling softly as his son reached for the cookies on the shelf next to them.

"You're going to spoil lunch." Edward teased leaning down and ruffling his son's hair.

He stood up and looked at her once more and their eyes met for a moment. Bella felt a surge of electricity shoot through the air. Her heart rate sped up and she could feel her breathing increase a bit, she couldn't help but notice that his did as well.

"We're not going to do anything stupid are we?" he asked looking at her through his eyelashes.

"I don't know." She answered softly.

--

One o'clock came and went and Bella now found herself in the car driving to the park, silently trying to justify the play date. She pulled into the lot next to a silver Volvo and found Edward and Emmett easily. They stood together talking aimlessly as they pushed their children on the swings.

She found out that he was currently at home taking care of Emmett because his wife, Tanya, was a successful lawyer who didn't want to give up her job. To say she was more than a little shocked when she found out that Edward had been a doctor would be an understatement.

She told him about her marriage to her college sweetheart, about how he worked all the time, and about how she never saw him anymore. She talked about how she had gotten pregnant early in the marriage and had never gotten to finish her degree.

Bella was more than a little surprised at how honest they were being and she couldn't help but feel her heart flutter as she thought back to what he had said to her at the store.

"_We aren't going to do anything stupid are we?"_

'Define stupid.' She thought.

They parted each other that day with a lingering hug and a promise of meeting again the next day, same spot same time.

Neither anticipated the rain.

--

She stood in the shelter house drenched to the bone contemplating whether or not to risk running back to her car. She had been on the slide with Ali when the rain had slowly started to drip down on them. Instead of making her way towards the warm car, she veered to the left and huddled under the shelter with the other parents.

Her eyes lingered on Edward's chest longer than what was probably deemed appropriate, but what about their relationship was? She noticed that the rain had made his normally copper hair look darker and drops fell off of it and ran down his face.

Bella knew she probably looked like a mess, her hair a wild and wet disarray. She could feel the soaked material of her simple t-shirt clinging to her body, making her conscious of every flaw that she had. Her eyes scanned his body once again and she immediately felt inadequate, what did she have to offer him?

He seemed to notice her gazes as his smile slowly became cockier and she could feel his gaze on her as well. The atmosphere felt charged and the air so thick that it was difficult to breathe. The cold from the wind and the rain had chilled her to the bone and she noticed his gaze linger on her chest for a moment.

He licked his lips and she felt her knees weaken.

"I think we are going to head back to our house," Edward stated looking down at the two children. "They are both asleep and I don't want to wake them, why don't you ride with me and I will bring you back to your car when the rain stops."

Bella contemplated her options for a moment, contemplated the potential, and then threw all thoughts out of her head.

"Alright." She replied softly following him as he made his way to the silver Volvo parked next to her car.

--

The children were placed upstairs in Edward's bed. They immediately curled together on top of the sheets. Their arms stretched out and tangled together.

They made their way quietly down the stairs, making sure not to wake the kids in the process.

"So," Edward stated softly letting out a gentle sigh.

"So," Bella replied leaning her head back against the wall and turning to look at him.

He cleared his throat for a moment before continuing "You're dripping wet; let me get you a towel."

"Thank you," Bella replied making her way into what she assumed was the living room area.

Instead of handing her the towel he ran it over her arms and neck wiping off the moisture that had pooled on her skin. The brush of the towel, or possibly the person doing the brushing, brought out a wave of gooseflesh and she instantly felt his hands replace the towel with the rubbing.

"Your arms are so cold." Edward stated his lips close to her ear.

"Your hands are so warm." Bella replied turning around to look at him.

For a moment Bella contemplated what they were about to do, what it would mean for her marriage, for Edward's marriage, for their children. She watched as he licked his lips once again and felt her knees weaken, his arms wrapping around her.

All thoughts escaped her as their lips touched and she felt herself pushing him backwards, both falling onto the leather couch.

Her hands latched onto his tousled hair and they broke away for a moment their eyes meeting. Her breath caught in her throat and she couldn't help her eyes from roaming up and down his body, their clothes still wet.

She could feel him pushing her into the cushions his body molding against hers, causing a shiver of anticipation to roll through her body. Neither of them spoke as his hands tangled into her hair and their lips met once again.

His hands snaked under her shirt and she let out a loud moan, causing both of them to freeze and look up at the ceiling. They waited for a moment listening for movement and sensing none let out a sigh of relief. He smiled at her and she couldn't help but let out a gentle laugh as she wrapped her arms around his neck, playing with the tuft of hair that lie there.

He leaned down once more his tongue wrestling with hers for a moment before their mouths broke apart. He traced a line from her lips to her ear and began to nibble on it causing her to gasp. She tugged on his hair causing twin groans to float through the air.

"Are you sure?" she whispered in his ear.

He looked at her for a moment and silently nodded his head leaning down and nuzzling his face in her neck before kissing her there.

His hands snaked under her shirt once again, swiftly pulling the drenched material off and throwing it across the room. She found her hands completing a similar task as his shirt joined hers on the floor. She dragged her nails across the skin of his back and he trembled above her.

"How much time do you think we have?" he whispered.

"Thirty minutes give or take." She whispered back her eyes traveling once again to the ceiling for a moment.

Their clothes flew off of them left and right and landed scattered throughout the room. Bella could feel the damp skin of her back sticking to the leather, could feel the scrape of his five o'clock shadow across her skin, feel his tongue snake out and taste her stomach.

Clenching her eyes tight she could feel her heart pound through her chest. It had never felt like this for her before, _ever_. A whimper escaped her lips as he entered her, setting her body on fire. She could hear their labored breathing, the squelch of the leather as he thrust into her, the cries that escaped both of their lips.

She wrapped her legs around him trying to pull him closer, deeper. The movement caused a gentle moan to escape her lips and a grunt to leave his.

"Oh god," She cried as he picked up his pace causing him to moan.

She could feel him watching her and she opened her eyes meeting his fiery gaze.

"Edward." She whispered.

"Bella." He replied softly.

Her hands tangled around him pulling him closer their eyes never breaking contact. She leaned in and kissed him and felt his hand move from beside her to in between their bodies, gently rubbing right above where they were connected.

"OH" Bella whimpered, the feelings overtaking her body.

"Feel me, Bella." Edward moaned in response. "Oh god, I'm so close."

"Me too." She cried arching her back into him.

Her hand latched onto his back, trying to anchor herself to something, anything.

She could feel her body trembling, building up and she bit down on her lip to try and quiet her sounds. She looked up and found he was doing the same thing.

He reached down and lifted her hips up, changing the angle he was entering her and with just a few thrusts she lost all control and she tumbled over the edge. He let out a loud moan and followed after her, scrunching his face up and biting his lip as he continued to thrust prolonging it for the both of them.

He loosened his hold on her and she felt herself collapse back onto the couch, his body falling gently on top of her.

--

"Do you feel guilty?" he asked as he picked up her shirt and handed it to her.

"No," Bella replied softly her eyes meeting his.

He smiled at her then placing a gentle kiss on her lips before pulling his shirt over his head.

"Do you?" she whispered.

"A little," he replied softly.

She reached over and grabbed his hand squeezing it for a moment before slowly leading him down the hall to his bedroom, to their children.F


	2. Authors Note

**Answers to your Questions:**

I have gotten quite a few PM's with questions on this one... enough that I thought I would comment on it!

**Was the book or movie "Little Children" my inspiration for this story?**

Not consciously anyways, I have not seen "Little Children" (but I am dying to! I love Kate Winslet!) I have read the book but that was quite a long time ago and I wasn't thinking of it when I was writing...

My inspiration for this story actually came from my best friend (love you Kat!) who cheated on her fiancé with another male who was an acquaintance and who was married.

While I did take a few liberties with her story (they met at a beach not a playground, and they had sex in the back of his car (on leather seats) not in his living room) they did use a park as their meeting spot, used their children as a diversion technique (more than once), and the children were in the vicinity while it was happening...

**Are you saying that cheating is ok?**

I am not atoning cheating in any manner! While I am not married I saw firsthand the effect it had on our entire group of friends... even those not involved, such as myself.

**Where did the title To Feel come from?**

After the dust had settled and I sat holding Kat as she was crying (let's just say it didn't end well) I asked her why she had done it and if it was really worth it? She looked me in the eyes for a moment and told me that "She did it because she needed to feel something." This was where the idea for the title To Feel came from.

**Are there going to be more chapters?**

Do you guys want more chapters? (I'm assuming yes since so many of you asked). I had written this with the assumption that it would be a one-shot, a way to try and work through some writers block I had, but I agree with many of you that the story definitely has a lot of loose ends that could be tied up.

I am not opposed to writing more for this story and if enough people are interested then I will continue it...

Rockbandstar


	3. Walking Away

**Walking Away**

**A/N- OK message received (loud and clear!), you guys want more and who am I to say no?**** Enjoy!**

**-Present Day-**

"Where do you want me to begin?" she asked as she pushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

"How about we start at the beginning?" the man replied pushing his glasses up his face and looking at her for a moment before looking back down to his notes.

"Well that is kind of difficult to discern," she replied blushing softly.

"Every story has a beginning." The man replied softly, encouragingly "Was there a moment when suddenly something changed? Where you felt that you had no control over a situation?"

"I've never really had control," Bella sighed leaning her head back against the chair she now sat in. "I've never really felt the need to."

"But you do now?" he asked jotting something in his notebook.

"Well, what do you think?" she snapped back her body tensing and her eyes boring into his.

"I was just asking you a simple question," he replied calmly "I'm just trying to understand."

"What is there to understand," she replied "I had an affair; I didn't expect to fall in love in the process. I didn't expect my world to change."

"But you did fall in love, and your world did change."

"Yes."

_**-Six Months Prior-**_

"You're late," Edward stated as he pushed himself off of the wall he was leaning against and smirked in her direction.

"I'm sorry," Bella replied softly "The babysitter was running a bit late."

He nodded his head softly and angled his head towards the jogger's path. "I figured we should probably talk."

"I think that is a good idea." Bella replied as her eyes followed the gravel track. She would not look at him, would not acknowledge the effect that he was having on her.

They began to walk the simple path, the soles of their shoes scraping and kicking up the gravel making the only sounds.

"I'm not really sure what to say." Edward replied shuffling his feet for a moment. "I don't want to hurt your feelings but at the same point in time I want to be honest."

"I'm not made of glass; I can handle whatever you have to say." Bella replied a bit coldly.

"We were really stupid, Bella, and what we did shouldn't have happened." He looked her in the eyes then and she could feel the blush flush her cheeks. "I just keep replaying that moment over and over in my head."

"I'm not going to lie," Bella replied softly "and say that I regret it."

"I'm not saying I regret it either, I just," he ran his hand through his hair "how can we just continue to pretend that everything is ok? That we didn't cheat on our spouses?"

"I don't know," Bella replied "but I can't just walk away pretending that nothing happened. It's like I can finally see again, everything is clearer now."

He made his way over to a bench and plopped down putting his head in his hands. She walked the short distance and sat next to him, gently placing her hand on his shoulder.

"If you want," she replied softly "I can get up and walk back to my car and you will never have to see me again. If that is what you want, tell me now, and save us both the hassle of getting hurt."

His head shot up and looked at her for a moment, his eyes scanning over her face. "I just don't know." He replied softly "I feel so guilty, so incredibly guilty."

"I understand," she replied quickly and she stood up, fighting back tears, walking brusquely back down the path towards her car. She stood in front of her car, digging through her purse looking for her keys. It was then that she saw him exit the wooded path and head in her direction.

As he approached her, his eyes met hers and she wasn't sure what she saw in them.

"I thought," she stated softly.

"I know," he replied reaching out and pulling her into him, bringing her lips to his. His tongue traced her lips and suddenly she was pressed back against her car door. Pulling his mouth back for a moment they stood staring at each other, both of them panting.

"Unlock the car," he whispered in her ear before tracing it with his tongue and then nipping the lobe of it.

"What about feeling guilty?" she asked her hand holding the keys shaking.

"I'll deal with it," he replied letting out a small groan as he leaned into her grabbing the keys from her and inserting them in the door behind her.

He pushed her into the backseat, following behind her and looking around outside for a moment.

"Do you have any idea what you do to me?" he asked "Watching you walk away from me." He let out a growl then and reached his hand behind her head tangling it in her hair and pulling her into his lap.

"I want you," he groaned in her ear.

"I want you too," she replied breathily as she ground herself into his lap causing both of them to throw their heads back.

"This is so messed up." He muttered reaching down and quickly unbuttoning her pants shifting her to tug them off. She worked his pants off frantically, letting them pool at his feet along with his boxers.

"I need you inside of me," she moaned running her hands through his hair and tugging on the ends, causing him to groan. "I need to feel you."

He thrusted up into her then quickly, causing both of them to moan at the sensation.

He placed open mouthed kisses on her as his hands wrapped around her waist aiding her movement over him. She rocked her hips slowly at first, before pulling almost all the way off of him and then dropping back down.

"Bella," he moaned his head falling back against the headrest and his mouth hanging slightly open.

"Edward," Bella replied breathily grinding down on him and causing his hands to tighten around her waist.

"Don't you see what you do to me?" Edward moaned meeting her movements with his own thrusts causing her to whimper. "No one has had this affect on me before, not even my wife, it's like I can't control myself."

"I know," she whimpered "I feel it too."

His hands made their way up her back tangling in her hair and pulling her head back so that she was laying back on the center consol.

He leaned forward then, taking control, his thrusts coming faster hitting her deeper than before.

"Oh my god," she cried out.

"Yes," he moaned in response as he grabbed one of her breasts through her shirt pinching her nipple through the material.

"I'm almost there." She cried out.

"Come for me," Edward replied his eyes meeting hers "come with me."

She cried out his name as her body began to tremble, his following suit.

After riding out their orgasms he pulled out of her and pulled her gently into his lap. Leaning over he placed a kiss on her forehead before laying his head back trying to catch his breath.

"Well," she replied softly "that was unexpected."

"Please," he replied teasingly "with you wearing that outfit did you expect anything less?"

A laugh escaped her lips and she leaned her head back kissing him for a moment.

"I should get back; I told the babysitter that I wouldn't be gone too long."

"Yeah," Edward replied running his hand through her disheveled hair "I should get back as well. I told my friend Jasper that I was meeting an old friend for coffee."

They quickly maneuvered their way around the backseat pulling on articles of clothing and sneaking glances at each other.

"So," Edward stated helping her step out of the backseat "Play date tomorrow at the park, let's say one thirty?"

"That would be great," Bella replied running her hands through her tangled hair and pulling it back into a ponytail. "Alice and I will be there."

He looked around for a moment before leaning over and placing a quick peck on her lips.

"I will see you then."


	4. The Lake

**The Lake**

It was a beautiful day and the park was much more crowded than normal which both surprised and annoyed Bella.

"Hey," she stated as Edward and Emmett walked up the path to where they were sitting at a picnic bench.

"Talk about crazy," Edward replied looking around the park and letting out a sigh "I don't think I have ever seen this place so busy."

"Yeah," Bella sighed as she handed a small bag of animal crackers and a juice box to Alice. She watched as Alice handed Emmett a cracker and smiled sweetly at him causing him to give her a toothy grin in response.

"Well that was cute," Edward stated smiling as he plopped down on the bench next to his son.

"She is really into sharing things right now," Bella replied smiling softly down at her daughter.

"Well I don't think we are going to get on the swings today," Edward replied frowning as he looked at the group of children tromping through the area.

"It doesn't look like it," Bella replied looking around "we could always go down by the water and feed the ducks."

"Down by the water?" Edward asked in confusion.

Bella laughed for a moment before pointing to a somewhat shrouded path. "That leads over to a small lake, Alice and I go there sometimes to feed the ducks. She seems to love it."

"Sounds good to me," Edward replied standing from the bench and placing Emmett on his back causing the small boy to laugh.

"Me next?" Alice asked looking up at him with the most angelic face.

"Sure kiddo," Edward replied smiling softly as she squealed in glee.

They made their way slowly, neither really saying anything, as they watched Alice skip the trodden path. When they arrived at the lake they handed each of the children some bread before sitting down in the grass and watching fascinated with the glee on their children's faces.

"This was a good idea," Edward stated watching as Emmett balled up a piece of bread and chucked it as hard as he could into the water.

"It is so peaceful here," Bella replied softly "Alice loves to come here and it is nice sometimes to just get away from the crowds."

"Yeah," Edward agreed as he looked over her and let out a gentle sigh. Reaching over he took her hand in his squeezing it for a moment before setting their hands together on the grass.

She looked down at their entwined hands for a moment before looking up at him and smiling softly, a gentle blush covering her cheeks.

"I love it when you blush," Edward stated running a finger of his free hand across her cheek causing her to blush even more. He chuckled then and she turned to watch the children making sure they didn't get to close to the water.

After the bread was gone the kids made their way back to them laying down in the grass and looking up at the clouds.

"That one cat." Alice stated pointing as she nudged Emmett.

"I no see." Emmett replied frowning.

Alice and Emmett quickly grew bored and the next thing Edward and Bella knew they were asleep in the grass their hands touching.

Edward watched as Bella sat quietly staring at the lake, transfixed on the water.

"That's my boy," Edward stated jokingly as he nudged Bella bringing her attention to the kids.

"That is adorable," Bella replied smiling softly before laying back in the grass pulling Edward with her.

"What's the matter?" Edward asked softly looking up at the clouds roaming past

"Nothing," Bella replied sighing softly and clenching her eyes shut for a moment "I'm just thinking."

"About?" Edward asked.

"Yesterday," Bella replied blushing softly, seemingly embarrassed by her answer.

"I couldn't stop thinking about you last night," Edward stated turning his head to look at her "about yesterday."

"What does this mean for us Edward?" Bella asked turning her head to look at his face and he couldn't help but notice her brow furrow a bit.

"I don't know," Edward replied "I know that I can't stop thinking about you and I'm not sure that I want to."

"I know it's horrible," Bella whispered "but I don't want you to."

"Tell me you think about me." Edward whispered.

"More than I should," she replied softly her face reaching up and cupping his face gently.

"Bella something happens to me when I am around you," he stated running his hand over his face and through his hair "it's like all I can see, think, and feel are you and the rest of the world just doesn't matter. I'm not sure what is happening or even what I am feeling but I'm not going to fight it Bella, I just can't."

Their eyes met for a moment and the look on her face took his breath away. "I feel it too, Edward." She whispered softly "more than you know."

"I'm going to kiss you Bella." Edward stated looking over at the children for a moment before scooting closer and wrapping his hand around her head, pulling her gently into him.

He leaned in slowly his lips meeting her softly, just barely brushing hers. She brought her hand that was cupping his face around his neck and wrapped it in the hair that lay there. He continued to place gentle kisses on her lips and she was surprised at the emotions they were raising in her.

He leaned his forehead against hers as he deepened the kiss, causing her hand to tug on his hair and him to nip her bottom lip. She angled her neck adding more pressure and she could feel him moving to lay over her, continuing to kiss her.

After a moment he pulled away panting slightly and brushed a gentle kiss on her forehead before burying his head in her hair.

"Let's just lay like this for awhile." He murmured.

"I would like that," Bella replied softly resting her head against his chest and curling her hands against him over his heart.

**A/N- A few things:**

**Due to popular demand I will be continuing with this story- therefore I moved it from the "Complete" section to the "In-Progress" section.**

**I currently am working on 4 stories at once, and in doing so am overwhelming my beta (Thanks Ash)… So I am looking for a beta for this story… if you are interested drop me a line!**

**For those of you that asked: a beta is basically a proof reader who works on** **improving grammar and spelling.. most likely I would also be discussing aspects of the story to get your oppinion on where things are headed, plot lines, ect.**

**Thanks to those of you who Reviewed, Alerted, or added me to Favorites!**


	5. Deceptions

**Deceptions**

Bella sat at the kitchen table, a coffee cup in hand, and looked across at her best friend, Angela. It hadn't been that long since she had seen her, but it seemed like it had been forever.

"So is Mike working late tonight?" Angela asked cupping her coffee cup in her hands as she took a sip.

"I think so," Bella replied absentmindedly.

"You think so?" Angela asked her eyebrow rising in question.

"He is always working late, anymore. I've given up trying to figure out when he will get home," Bella let out a sigh before continuing "sometimes I don't even see him until he crawls into bed."

"And that doesn't bother you?" Angela asked setting her coffee cup down on the table her eyes intently focused on Bella.

Bella looked at her for a moment before casually shrugging her shoulders. "If I try and mention it he just brushes it aside saying that he is "working hard for our family." It made me feel guilty for asking him, so I stopped."

"You are either a really patient and loving wife," Angela stated "or you trust him way too much."

"What do you mean?" Bella asked softly.

"Well, how do you know he isn't having an affair?"

Bella looked at her friend for a moment in consideration before responding "that's really unlikely Ang."

"I'd be worried sick," Angela stated shrugging softly "but that is just me. How is the sex?"

Bella immediately thought of Edward and suddenly her face was aflame.

"Well it looks like you have nothing to worry about," Angela stated laughingly.

"Right," Bella replied turning her head to look out the patio window at the swing set in the backyard.

"Hey Ang, do you think you could watch Alice for an hour or so. I really needed to run to the store to pick something up and I just remembered. She is asleep and it would be such a hassle to pull her out of bed and dress her for such a quick trip."

"Sure, Bella." Angela replied smiling softly "Alice is always a little angel for me. Take your time."

"Thanks." Bella replied placing her mug in the sink and grabbing her cell phone.

"No problem." Angela called as she walked out the door.

--

"Hey it's me," she stated softly into her cell phone as she hopped into her car "can you meet me?"

"Hold on," he replied softly and she heard fabric moving and then talking.

"I'll be there in ten minutes." He stated and then she heard the dial tone.

--

She pulled up to the park, noticing that his car wasn't there and made her way over setting down on the swings and rocking back and forth. She leaned back for a moment and looked up at the moon, getting caught up in the beauty of it.

Bella was lost in her thoughts when he plopped down in the swing next to her and she turned sideways to look at him.

"Is everything ok?" Edward asked softly kicking off the ground and rocking back in forth as he continued to look at her.

"I don't know," Bella replied frowning slightly "how did you get away?"

"I told her that Jaspers car broke down and that he needed some help," Edward stated shrugging "if he needs to, I know that he will cover for me. You?"

"I told Angie I needed to run to the store." Bella replied softly "Then called you."

"What's the matter?" Edward asked digging his heels in so that he stopped and then hopping up walking over to stand in front of her. "What has got you so down?"

"I just needed to see you," Bella replied honestly as she looked away from his eyes "I'm sorry for pulling you away from _her_, I just felt like I couldn't breathe."

"It's not like that and you know it," Edward replied grabbing her face and turning her to look at him "and I missed you too."

He leaned in then and placed a subtle kiss on her lips and then her forehead. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really," she replied softly letting out a sigh and leaning her head against the chain holding the swing up.

He picked her up and sat down in the swing, pulling her in his lap and leaning his head into her hair.

"How long do we have?" he asked breathing her in.

"An hour at the most," Bella replied leaning her head back onto his shoulder and letting out a deep sigh.

"Feel better?" he asked kissing the back of her head and wrapping his hands around her waist as he shifted on the swing.

"A bit," Bella replied truthfully turning her head to look at him and kissing him gently on the lips. "Thank you."

"My pleasure," he replied softly brushing her hair out of her face with his free hand before leaning in and kissing her deeply.

His free hand wrapped itself into her hair as his hand traced small circles on her stomach through her shirt.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" he stated pulling back and smirking at her for a moment.

A soft laugh escaped her lips and she wiggled her body around so that she was straddling him. "Shut up and kiss me."

"Gladly," he replied leaning in and kissing her.

"Bella," he murmured against her skin as he moved his lips to her neck.

"Hmm," she replied softly in pleasure as she titled her head back.

"I think I am falling in love with you."

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed, or added to your alerts or favorites! Sorry I didn't update sooner, but I had a bit of a family emergency that kept me away from my computer for a few days. ****I have found two people who are going to be taking up beta duties for me, thanks to all of you who offered!**


	6. Rendezvous

**Rendezvous**

_Previously:_

"_Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" he stated pulling back and smirking at her for a moment._

_A soft laugh escaped her lips and she wiggled her body around so that she was straddling him. "Shut up and kiss me."_

"_Gladly," he replied leaning in and kissing her._

"_Bella," he murmured against her skin as he moved his lips to her neck._

"_Hmm," she replied softly in pleasure as she titled her head back._

"_I think I am falling in love with you."_

_--_

She placed her hands on his head then, pulling it away from her neck and looking into his eyes.

"What did you just say?" Bella asked her voice almost a whisper.

"I said," Edward replied looking deep into her eyes "I think I am falling in love with you. I'm not going to lie but it terrifies me, Bella."

She leaned back for a moment catching her breath and he looked at her in concern.

"You don't have to feel obligated to say it back, Bella, but I just needed you to know how I feel. I can't stop thinking about you; I feel this need to be beside you and to protect you."

Bella let out a sigh and leaned her head against the chain, her eyes meeting his.

"I," she smiled softly at him for a moment "shouldn't admit this but I feel it, Edward and it terrifies me too. I think about you all of the time and when I am not with you I want to be."

He pulled her closer to him wrapping his arms tightly around her, their bodies fit snugly together on the swing and he found himself rocking them back and forth.

"Now what?" he asked softly.

"No clue," she replied chuckling "I think we are in uncharted territory here."

"Yeah," he sighed in response before leaning down and kissing her softly on her lips and down her face to her neck. His tongue came in contact with her neck then and she whimpered in response. It was not lost on her that he knew exactly what to do to her; she didn't need to tell him or guide him, he just knew.

He slowly pulled away from her and looked into her eyes as he teasingly unbuttoned her shirt, his fingers trailing over the skin of her stomach.

"Here?" Bella asked gulping as she looked around the deserted park. "Seriously?"

He leaned back and smiled seductively as he threw his head back in laughter, making her want him even more.

"Right here," Edward replied "on this very swing."

"That doesn't seem safe," Bella stated eyebrows raised in question.

"I've got a tight hold on you," Edward stated "I won't let you fall."

His fingers continued to trace shapes on her stomach and she could feel herself getting frustrated. "Someone might see." She moaned as his lips met her collarbone and she threw her head back in surrender.

He pushed her shirt off of her shoulder making sure to keep her balanced and danced his fingers along her back, kissing her hard in the same moment. Pulling back he removed his own shirt before meeting her lips once again.

Her tongue crept into his mouth and tangled with his, causing him to moan into the kiss. Pulling her up into a standing position he unzipped her jeans pulling them down effortlessly. She ran her nails down his chest and stopped at his pants, her hands resting on the button for a moment. He drew in a sharp breath that made her chuckle before unbuttoning and unzipping them.

"The underwear should probably just be shifted." Edward stated "Just in case."

"Fine," Bella moaned pulling him into her and kissing him fiercely. He moved them back to the swing sitting down and pulling her into his lap straddling him once again. He placed a gentle kiss on her lips before trailing his mouth down to her chin, her neck, and then to her breasts.

He ran his tongue in circles over her bra and gently sucked on her nipple through the fabric causing her to gasp and grasp his hair. Pulling away he smiled sheepishly at her before turning his attention to the other, kissing and stroking it through the material.

"More." Bella whimpered.

Taking this as a signal to continue, he pushed her underwear aside and brought two of his fingers to her center. She threw her head back squishing his hand in between them and let out a loud moan. He moved them in and out slowly at first, before finding a steady rhythm.

Reaching down and grabbing his hand she pulled it away from her and grabbed his boxers shifting and yanking them until he sprung free. He wrapped his hand around her, one gripping her waist and the other gripping her hair to steady her on the swing.

She plunged down on him grabbing the chains as the swing moved causing both of them to grunt. Using the chains as an anchor she rocked back and forth on top of him, the swing moving with them.

"This feels amazing." Edward groaned tightening his grip on her hip and her hair.

She moaned in response before replying "I'm not going to last long."

She continued to rock steadily on top of him, their breathing picking up from the exertion.

He dug his heels into the ground and thrust up into her then, causing her to arch her back and cry out. His hold on her back tightened as he continued to meet her movement for movement, his feet keeping them somewhat steady.

Her body began to tremble over him and he moved his hands to her hip, helping her with her movements. After a moment she threw her head back and let out a long cry as she came. He thrust up into her one more time and then released into her.

Her breathing was staggered as she lay her head against his shoulder, cuddling into his warmth. He nuzzled her head with his nose and mouth for a moment before lifting her face up to look at him. Caressing her lips softly, he kissed her sweetly before meeting their tongues once again.

They stayed locked in their embrace kissing for a moment before he pulled back and looked at her.

"Thank you." He whispered softly.

"Thank you," Bella replied looking into his eyes sincerely before laying her head on his shoulder.

"We still have some time," Edward stated softly stroking her hair as he placed kisses on her head and forehead. "Let's just stay like this."

She nodded her head in acknowledgement closing her eyes and wrapping her body completely around him. She felt safe, complete, and before she knew what happened she had fallen asleep.

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed, or added to your alerts or favorites! This chapter is dedicated to Kat- "I will never look at a swingset the same way ever again!" Yeah... thanks for that...**

**I have found two people who are going to be taking up beta duties for me, thanks to all of you who offered!**


	7. Worried

**Worried**

**-Present Day-**

"Tell me about your relationship with Mike? What made it so hard?"

"I don't necessarily think that it was hard, I mean it was comfortable, it was very easy to fall into a pattern. At the same time he was never around, always working, so we never really had to deal with each other." Bella replied. "I didn't really ever feel anything when I was with him; it was like I was numb."

"Did you love him?" the man asked looking at her over his glasses.

"I think I loved the thought of him, he was secure, reliable, and comfortable but there was no spark, no fire."

**-Five Months Prior-**

It was later than she realized and she suddenly felt panicked. Chastising herself for falling asleep, Bella pulled her car into the garage and winced at the fact that Angela's car was no longer present.

Mike sat at the kitchen counter, an empty glass in front of him.

"Angela just left, Alice is in bed. She said you ran to the store."

"I had to pick up a few things that I needed for tomorrow." Bella replied nervously pushing her hair back out of her face.

"Well," Mike replied picking up the glass and walking to the sink "did you find what you needed?"

"They were all sold out." Bella replied, realizing she had no bag with her.

"That's too bad," Mike stated looking out the window for a moment.

"Is everything alright, you seem distracted?" Bella questioned.

"Yeah, I'm just tired it was a long night at work. I wanted to wait up for you though, I was worried about you."

"I'm sorry I worried you," Bella stated softly "I guess I should have called."

"Its fine," Mike replied leaning over and placing a kiss on her forehead "I think I am going to go upstairs and read over some paperwork."

"I think I am going to take a bath, my back is bothering me."

He nodded his head absently in acknowledgement as he left the room. She waited for a moment watching him walk up the stairs before leaning against the counter and letting out a soft sigh of relief.

--

Bella slid her body into the hot water, letting the steam and heat envelop her. Closing her eyes for a moment she rested her head on the edge of the tub. The jets softly massaged away her aches and pains and before too long she found her thoughts wandering.

_They stayed locked in their embrace kissing for a moment before he pulled back and looked at her._

"_Thank you." He whispered softly._

"_Thank you," Bella replied looking into his eyes sincerely before laying her head on his shoulder._

"_We still have some time," Edward stated softly stroking her hair as he placed kisses on her head and forehead. "Let's just stay like this."_

_She nodded her head in acknowledgement closing her eyes and wrapping her body completely around him. She felt safe, complete, and before she knew what happened she had fallen asleep._

_She woke to a gentle shaking feeling and pulled away from him looking up into his eyes._

"_Bella we fell asleep." Edward stated softly his hand gently rubbing her back._

"_What time is it?" Bella asked somewhat groggily._

"_It's almost eleven." Edward replied wincing as he looked down at his watch "Shit, we need to go now."_

_She nodded her head quickly grabbing her clothes and throwing them on carelessly."_

"_I can't believe we fell asleep," Bella mumbled running her hand on her face trying to wake herself up._

"_I know," Edward stated as his hands rang through his hair. "I'm sorry, I should have waked you sooner but you just looked so peaceful and I was so comfortable."_

"_Me too," Bella stated turning to look at him for a moment a blush flushing her cheeks. "I was very comfortable."_

_His soft chuckle met her ears and caused her to smile softly in response as they walked back to their vehicles._

"_Till tomorrow," Edward stated brushing her hair back out of her face before leaning over and gently kissing her on lips and then her forehead. He pulled away for a moment before their lips connected again in passion. His hands tangled in her hair for a moment before he pulled away._

"_Till tomorrow," Bella replied sighing as she pulled away and walking towards her car. She felt two arms wrap around her and she was pulled back into his embrace._

_He held her tightly for a moment and placed a ghost of a kiss on the back of her head and then she heard his car door close behind her._

_Hopping into her car she steadied her hands for a moment before placing her keys into the ignition. Mike was going to be home and she needed to be calm and collected._

_With Edward on the brain that was a hard thing to accomplish._

Bella opened her eyes and looked down at her wrinkled fingertips, wondering how long she had been lying in the tub.

Hopping out, she quickly dried off and pulled on her pajamas. Making her way softly down the hallway, careful not to wake Alice, she entered her room and noticed Mike was still sitting in bed looking at his paperwork.

"Is everything okay? You are awfully flushed."

"I'm just a little warm," Bella replied "the bath heated me up."

He chuckled softly as he shifted his gaze from his paperwork to look up at her. "Don't make the water so warm next time."

"Goodnight," Bella stated crawling into bed and pulling the covers around her.

"Night," Mike replied putting his paperwork down and flicking off the light.

She listened to the slow and steady rhythm of his breathing as he fell asleep and all she could think of was Edward.

**Once again, thanks to all of you who reviewed, or added this story to your alerts or favorites… quite a few of your comments made me chuckle, especially those involving Edward and a swing set… *sighs***

**This is probably going to be my only update of the week as I am going away for a few days... so look for some new material on Monday or Tuesday of next week! **


	8. Say It

**Say It**

His mouth was warm and hard against her pliant lips. It was a kiss that she had grown used to, but could never seem to get enough of. Their tongues met and fought restlessly for power. Pulling him closer her hands tangled in his hair and tugged lightly on the ends, causing him to groan.

Footsteps broke through the silence and Bella quickly pulled back, sucking Edwards lip into her mouth and running her tongue along it as he gasped.

"Someone is coming." She panted, pushing him away and running her hands through her hair.

"That was the point." Edward mumbled smiling sheepishly as he adjusted his shirt before looking around for a moment. "I don't see anyone."

He placed his hands on her hips tightening his grip, and pushing her against the wall molding their bodies together.

"Tell me you don't want me right here, right now."

"Edward," Bella gasped her voice shaky and her hands tangled in his shirt as she looked around "we can't, not here."

His mouth once again took place on her lips before moving across her cheek, before he gently sucked the bottom of her ear into his mouth causing her knees to weaken and him to chuckle. His tongue continued to trace her ear and he blew on it lightly as if to soothe the pain of the bite.

"Say it." Edward stated looking deep into her eyes. "Say it out loud."

"Find somewhere…" Bella stuttered and she felt him smirking against her neck before he nipped there gently. He reached down and entwined their hands together, tugging her along the corridor before opening a door and gently pushing her in.

The room was barely lit, and rather small making her think it must be a closet of some sort. Throwing caution to the wind, she gripped his shirt tightly and pulled his lips down to meet hers once again.

"Such a tease," Bella mumbled against his neck as she nipped it softly. Edward groaned softly as his fingers traced her collarbone before leaning up and running along her lips.

"You still haven't said it."

"In a hurry?" Bella asked cocking her eyebrow in annoyance before opening her mouth and lightly sucking on the fingers he had placed there. Edward groaned as he pulled his hands away and traced his fingers along the hem of her skirt.

"Easy access," Edward stated smirking before raising his eyebrow in response "In the mood for playing I see."

Reaching down she pulled his shirt up and over his head before doing the same with her own. "Who's playing?" Bella asked teasingly as she ran her fingers along the edge of his jeans before trailing down the front of them slowly. Edward's jaw clenched and he looked her dead in the eyes.

"Say it."

"I love you." Bella stated as she moved her hand over him, gently cupping him before running her hand up his body and through her hair. "I've tried to fight it, I've tried to deny it, but it's no use. I love you."

Edward groaned as he buried his face into her neck before biting down softly on her shoulder.

"Oh god, I love you too."

"I never knew it could feel like this," Bella stated throwing her head back as he continued to trace the contours of her neck and chest with his tongue. "The way your hands feel on my hips, your breathing on my neck, it's so exhilarating, so maddening."

She unbuttoned his jeans and they fell quickly to his feet, followed by his boxers. Her underwear soon joined his on the floor. His hands sliding up her legs and bunching her skirt around her stomach. His hands continued upwards cupping her breasts, causing her hips to involuntarily buck into him.

He moved his thumbs in slow circles causing her to whimper as he squeezed and massaged her. Laying her head back she closed her eyes letting the feelings over take her. She listened as she moaned as he slowly rolled one of her nipples between his fingers while the other hand quickly slinked down her stomach.

"You like that don't you." Edward whispered in her ear running his fingers along her for a moment causing her to buck against him.

"Yes," she whimpered. "Only you can make me feel this way."

He seemed to enjoy the sentiment because he let out a low groan and bucked against her causing her mouth to open slightly as she panted. She could hear her throaty plea's to him as he leaned up and kissed her gently before pulling his hand away.

Lifting her knee up, he slid into her without hesitation. A gentle moan fluttered through the air and she wasn't sure whose it was, and she didn't care. She could feel her whole body pulsing as he began to move. Gripping her hips and thrusting into her with hard strokes, her entire body began to shake.

"Look at me." Edward growled.

Opening her eyes she met his intense stare, his face only inches from hers. Grabbing her other leg he lifted her up from the ground, pushing deeper. She moaned loudly feeling his hand gently covering her mouth as she heard someone walk past in the corridor.

Closing her eyes and listening as they passed she let out a heavy sigh before reaching up and pulling his head down to hers, kissing him intensely. Her back made a dull rocking noise as he pressed into her and she could faintly hear the echo of her heartbeat in her ears.

"I love you." She heard him whisper as he moved his head down and latched his mouth onto her neck, biting her. It was all it took to send her over the edge and her body exploded. She felt him pick up his pace, adding to the sensation, and then she felt him release inside of her his hands tightening their hold on her hips.

She quickly pulled her underwear and shirt back on, adjusting her clothing before opening the door and stepping out into the corridor. He followed a minute later. Looking back she clucked her tongue as they walked.

"What?" Edward stated running his hand through his hair.

"A janitor's closet?" Bella stated shaking her head "in the public library of all places."

He shrugged nonchalantly before running his hand once again through his hair and smiling at her sheepishly causing her to chuckle. They made their way back to the children's area, noticing that their two children still sat transfixed by the librarian reading a book to them.

"Thanks." Edward stated to the woman as he reached down and ruffled Emmett's hair "did you enjoy the story?"

"Yup." Emmett stated smiling.

"Thanks again," Bella stated smiling softly to the woman trying not to let her blush show.

"No problem." The woman replied "Did you get your car jump started?"

"We sure did." Edward stated smirking at the woman before picking Emmett up and winking discretely to Bella.

**A/N- I'm back! Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites!**


	9. The Assignment

**The Assignment**

**Quick A/N- this whole chapter takes place in "present day"… The previous chapter took place 5 months prior… things are going to be a bit fuzzy but all will be revealed in time! **

**-Present Day-**

"We've been meeting for awhile now, Bella." The man stated as he adjusted his glasses on his face before placing his notebook down and really looking up at her. "You've admitted that you made some mistakes and that you had an affair."

Bella nodded her head softly feeling a blush creep on her cheeks as she bowed her head.

"I've told you this is a safe place; there is no need to be embarrassed." He said, running his hand quickly through his hair before continuing to speak. "I think the core issue that needs to be addressed is not that you had an affair but _why_ you had an affair."

"You've told me that your relationship with Mike had no passion, no spark, that you were numb. Is this correct?"

"Yes," Bella confessed clearing her throat softly as her eyes scanned the room.

"But you felt that passion and spark with Edward, am I correct?"

"Yes," Bella admitted "I loved him, I love him."

"I have a bit of an assignment for you to do until next time," Dr. Parker stated softly. "What I would like you to do is write all down your thoughts and ideas for the next week and we will talk about them. Is this alright?"

"Yes." Bella replied softly.

"I want you to be brutally honest with me. If you're not comfortable with me reading them I am fine with that, but I want you to have another outlet to get these feelings of guilt out of your system."

"That is fine." Bella agreed taking the small notebook and running her fingers along the edge of it.

"See you next week Bella."

--

_Entry 1-_

_I miss Edward. I know that it is a cowardly thing to say, that you miss someone but I do. My heart aches for him and I long to see him again. I know now how terribly I have messed everything up for everyone but I just can't help but have this hope that somehow in some way he still loves me too. I find myself wondering throughout the day if he is still happy. I can only hope that he is. _

_Alice still asks about him, it touches my heart that she remembers him so fondly, it helps to remind me that everything that we had wasn't just a wonderful dream. I can't help but feel guilty for bringing someone into her life only to have them be yanked out so suddenly. I know she is young and doesn't understand but I hope that one day she will._

_Alice truly is the one bright spot in my life lately. I don't know what I would have done if Mike would have won the court battle. The thought of it is inconceivable and I can't bear even questioning 'what if?' I really don't even want to think about it._

_Entry 2-_

_Angela visited me today and I finally admitted to her what has been going on. To say she was surprised was an understatement but I need to be honest with people and I need to stop feeling guilty. I should not be ashamed of what Edward and I had, I understand that now. I am blessed to have found someone whom I love so profoundly and who loves (loved) me as well._

_I realized today how truly horrible everything is and how truly alone I am now. I cried in Angela's arms as I explained to her what happened. She held me tight while I fell apart .Towards the end I was able to admit something today that I would never have been able to acknowledge before. I understand better now the motives behind why I did what I did._

_I loved Mike, at least in some part of my brain I think I did. What we had was comfortable, yes, and also easy. Things with Edward were so different, so moving, and so vibrant. For the first time in a long time I felt alive. I could feel again._

_Dr. Parker asked me once why I thought it was that I had an affair. My answer is simple. To feel._

_Entry 3-_

_I've been thinking a lot about how I got myself into this situation and how I am going to get myself out. It isn't something that I can just snap my fingers and it is instantly fixed._

_Emily Dickinson once said "Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all."_

_I refuse to give up hope and I refuse to believe that somehow I have ruined everything. I have scrutinized every action I took and mistake I made and things seem so much clearer now than they ever have before._

_I love Edward with all my being. This is my truth. I have probably loved him far longer than I am willing to admit, if I am being honest with myself. I keep picturing the day he told me he loved me. The way the words sounded as they rolled off of his tongue, the way his eyes darkened as he told me. This is my truth now; this will always be my truth._

_Everything seems so much clearer. I know what I want now, what I need._

_Entry 4- _

_What I want seems so simple, but yet so completely out of my reach. _

_I want to be able to smile (I think I have forgotten how) and actually mean it, to be happy for others without some tint of jealousy. I want to be able to walk hand in hand with the one I love and not feel like I am all alone._

_I don't want to keep secrets from the ones I love. I want them to know everything about my life, every blissful moment and every heartbreaking day._

_I want to love someone and have them love me in return. I want every joyful moment and every fight, because they will only make us stronger._

_I want to feel alive, to feel passion and fire._

_I want Edward._

_I know what I need to do._

**Special thanks to my beta meluvpirates! Thanks to all of you who reviewed, or added to your alerts or favorites! I haven't gotten a chance to respond to all of you who reviewed but I am planning on trying to get to them soon! Quite a few of your reviews made me chuckle or smile!**


	10. Admission

**Admission**

**-Four Months Prior-**

Bella lay tangled in the sheets of the bed looking at the man sleeping next to her. The sheet just barely covered his bottom half and she found herself entranced as she watched him sleep. His hair was tousled, more so than usual, and his mouth was slightly open. He snored, but that fact didn't bother her.

She rested her head against his shoulder, feeling the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he slept. It was calming, almost soothing her frayed nerves. She placed a gentle kiss on his chest before scooting out of bed and pulling his shirt on over her bare body.

Her feet made a padding noise on the hotel carpet as she walked through the room picking up items, folding and sorting them. Bella made her way into the living area before settling in a small chase that faced a window overlooking a small lake.

Resting her forehead against her hand she sat and stared out the window thinking about how she had lied, once again, to get free time. She was more surprised by the fact that it didn't bother her to do it, than the lying itself.

How easily Mike bought her story of a girls shopping trip.

She momentarily wondered what Edward had told his wife but then pushed those images out of her mind. It hurt too much to think about the fact that they were both living lives apart from each other.

It was becoming too hard.

The thought terrified and thrilled her. She knew she loved him, loved him to the very core of her being. And she could also tell that he felt the same way. Bella questioned herself constantly though, on how much of a relationship they could have that was built on all the lies they told.

Her thoughts were depressing.

She had tried so hard not to notice the fact that she counted down the hours till she could see him again. Tried not to notice that her every thought and feeling revolved around him.

She couldn't keep up this charade any longer.

The tears began to fall.

It seemed like only minutes later that she heard the steady thud of his feet against the carpet as he made his way through the hotel room looking for her. It only took him a moment to find her.

He didn't say anything as he lifted her up and placed her in his lap, his lips met her head with a gentle peck as he looked out the window alongside her.

"Don't cry." Edward whispered softly "Please, I can't stand to see you cry."

His face looked pained. She reached her hand over to gently run it across his face.

"You're so cold." Edward stated frowning softly "How long have you been out here?"

"Awhile," Bella whispered "I couldn't sleep."

He nodded his head in acknowledgement of everything that was currently being unsaid. "You should have woken me."

"You looked so peaceful. I couldn't bear to."

He frowned for a moment before running his hands up and down her arms trying to ease the chill that had settled in her body.

"I can't do this anymore, Edward" Bella admitted the tears forming once again as she heard his sharp intake of breath.

"What?" he asked softly. His voice shook as he spoke.

"I can't keep up this charade any longer, Edward. I can't and I won't. I love you so much, please understand."

His body went rigid beneath hers and she could feel his shoulders shaking.

"I love you too," Edward declared. Bella felt a few tear drops hit her head. "You need to do what is best for you, I will understand eventually."

She looked at him in confusion for a moment before settling on annoyance.

"Edward!" Bella exclaimed "That is not what I meant, I love you."

His face was now a mask of confusion, hurt and anger. "I don't understand, Bella. If you can't see me anymore that's fine but don't make this harder on both of us."

Bella let out a sigh and reached up placing her hand over his heart. "That is not what I meant, please don't be angry just hear me out."

He nodded, his eyes focusing on the ripples in the water as she spoke.

"I can't stop thinking about how much we have to lie to be together. How big of a toll this is taking on both of our lives. We can't keep doing this, Edward."

He opened his mouth to interrupt her but she placed her free hand over it and chuckled. "Let me finish!"

"I think about you even when I am not with you. Just the thought of you can make me smile, brighten my day. I count down the hours until I see you again. You make me feel alive, whole. I'm tired of sneaking around with you, tired of falling asleep to thoughts of you but not having you with me. When we go back home I am going to ask Mike for a divorce."

Edward's eyes locked onto hers. His hand reached up and gripped the one laying gently against his heart.

"I'm not telling you what to do. I'm not asking you to leave your wife, but I am making myself available for you and only you Edward. I want to fall asleep next to you and be able to wake up the next morning in your arms. I want to be able to call you and not have to worry about who is answering the phone. I want to be yours and for you to be mine. I love you Edward, unconditionally and irrevocably, I love you!"

She leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

"I love you too, you know that!" Edward exclaimed a small smile playing on his lips as he spoke. "I have thought about us together so often that this just seems like a dream." He shook his head for a moment before an even bigger smile broke out on his face. "I love you!"

"You already said that!" Bella giggled smiling softly and trying not to let her nerves show through.

"I know, but I need to say it. You're leaving Mike?"

"Yes."

He smiled fully then and she suddenly felt her heart flutter. "I want you too! I want to be with you, I want to be able to call you mine. Oh, god I love you Bella. You make me so happy, make me feel so alive."

"Edward?" Bella asked smiling softly "Are you saying what I think your saying?"

"I'm leaving Tanya."

**Special thanks to my beta meluvpirates! Thanks to all of you who reviewed, or added to your alerts or favorites!**


	11. Honesty

**Honesty**

"We need to talk."

The words fell from Bella's lips so effortlessly that she was surprised. He looked up from the papers that he had scattered across the dining room table.

"You're home." Mike stated simply as he pushed his chair away from the table and made his way to her pulling her into a hug that she stiffly returned. He leaned in to kiss her and she swiftly turned her head to the side, avoiding the kiss but not the embarrassment. Her cheeks flamed red.

"What's wrong?"

"I," Bella struggled for a moment trying to articulate what she needed to tell him. "Maybe we should sit down first."

He shrugged his shoulders in acknowledgement before making his way into the living room and sitting down on the plush sofa. She sat down carefully, leaving a small gap of space between them. She looked up into his eyes for a moment and fought back tears. This was going to be harder than she thought.

"I don't know how to tell you this," Bella whispered her voice breaking as she spoke "so I am just going to come right out and say it." She took a deep breath for a moment before continuing "I've been having an affair."

Bella watched as his face contorted from shock, to indignance, to anger.

"How long?" he asked calmly his voice doing little to show his rage.

"A few months," Bella answered softly.

"How lovely of you to be honest with me," Mike seethed his voice raising an octave as he spoke. "So nice to know that while I am busy working to provide for my family my wife is out fucking some other guy."

"It's not like that, Mike." Bella cried softly "I needed to be honest with you, with myself. I love him."

He stood from the couch his hands shaking and he began to pace in front of her.

"Don't you dare tell me it's not like that and you love him?! How truly wonderful for you! I'm happy that his fucking you has made you feel so special, Bella. That is why you did it after all, am I right? You just couldn't keep your legs closed, you filthy little slut."

Bella stood now from the couch as well her hands trembling in anger.

"I will ask that you not speak to me that way, especially with Alice in the house. Now lower your voice before you wake her up!" Bella spat.

"You will not speak to me that way in my house, Bella. Yes, MY house. I worked my ass off to provide for you two and this is how you choose to repay me? To go gallivanting off with some other man, it's just unacceptable. I want a divorce."

"Good," Bella scowled "because so do I."

There was a moment of silence as the two of them stood looking at each other, staring the other one down. Then Mike broke.

"You're pregnant aren't you?" Mike questioned his voice cracking with emotion as he sat back down on the couch. She looked into his eyes and for the first time in a while she realized how truly vulnerable he was at that moment.

"Not that I am aware of," Bella stated softly sitting next to him and gently placing her hand on his arm. "I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did. I wish I could say that I would take it all back, but I can't lie Mike. I love him."

He looked defeated, almost deflated, she thought suddenly. The fact that she had done this to him only seemed to cause the guilt that was knotted in the pit of her stomach to grow.

"I truly am sorry."

"I know," Mike replied after a moment. "It doesn't take away the pain, but thank you nonetheless for saying it."

She sighed softly before tugging on her ponytail holder and letting her hair fall against her shoulders.

"I will call the lawyers in the morning." Mike mumbled, somewhat resigned.

"Thank you," Bella stated.

"I wouldn't be thanking me yet;" Mike replied "I'm asking for full custody of Alice."

"What?" Bella asked feeling the shock of what he was saying coursing through her veins.

"You obviously are too concerned with your own life to care about what is in the best interest of our daughter. You forget that I sometimes check in throughout the day. Did you think that I have truly been in the dark all this time about what you have been up to? I knew something was going on behind my back, you have just confirmed my suspicions."

Bella could feel her heart plummet to her stomach as she stood from the couch.

"You can't take her away from me, I love her. She is my daughter and I will fight you on this."

"I'm very well aware," Mike stated frowning as he stood as well "that she is yours and I have no doubt that you will try and fight me. Good luck, with that. It will be my pleasure taking you down in court, Bella and showing everyone who you really are. I look forward to seeing how you prove to the judge that you haven't been a delinquent mother."

Bella stood for a moment the anger and shock of what he was saying coursing through her entire body.

"I have never done anything in front of Alice, let alone put her in harm's way. You're just a bitter man who is angry at his wife and taking it out on his daughter. I won't let you win this, Mike. I won't let you take her away from me. I love her."

"If you are quite done," Mike stated making his way to the doorway and turning to look back at her "you know the way out."

Bella reached down and gently tugged the two rings off of her left hand and placed them on the coffee table. She brushed past him, making her way up the stairs and into her bedroom, packing a quick suitcase.

Making her way into Alice's room she packed a few things for her daughter and picked her sleeping form up. Alice's head nestled in her neck and Bella fought back the tears as she made her way down the stairs balancing the child and the suitcase.

She looked in the living room and noted that Mike sat on the sofa silently staring out the window. Her rings no longer sat on the table in front of him.

"I'm taking Alice with me until we can get something figured out," Bella stated ignoring his eyes which were now boring into her. "I'm not comfortable leaving her here when you are obviously angry. I will most likely be staying at Angela's if you need me."

"What not going to rendezvous with lover boy?" Mike asked sneering.

She let the door slamming behind her do the talking for her.

**And the true drama begins! **

**So this chapter was actually pretty hard for me to write… I'm not a fan of confrontations (especially very angry ones)**

**Most of this story has been focused on what is happening around Bella (her perspective basically)… my question for you:**

**Do you want the Tanya/Edward confrontation from Edwards's perspective… or Bella listening to Edward telling her what happened? Let me know!**

**Thanks once again to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts and favorites! Without you all, this would just be some forgotten one shot!**


	12. Confessions

**Confessions**

**Alright…. So this is in Edward's perspective as that is what got the most votes… There is going to be a massively long (and I do mean massively long) Authors Note at the end… Please take the time to read it (or at least skim it!) as it is important!**

Edward could hear his phone, incessantly ringing in the other room, and ignored it. He sat on the edge of the toy car bed and watched his son as he dreamed. Things in life had gotten so complicated, so complex, watching Emmett made him think of life when it was easier.

Easy wasn't a word in his vocabulary anymore.

He knew that when he moved from this room, he would have to face the inevitable: to admit to his wife that he had broken his vows. While the thought of what was to come, and most likely the aftermath was not a comfort, the thought of Bella in his arms was.

He knew from the moment that he first saw her that things were going to change. It terrified and thrilled him. The moment their bodies and lips touched, and the spark was felt, he knew his relationship with Tanya was doomed.

Edward had always pictured himself as a family man, the thought of a wife and child thrilled him more than he admitted to his friends. Edward wasn't the cheating type and as some women would say he was safe. He dated casually in high school before beginning a serious relationship with Tanya.

They had met in college in one of those humanities classes that every student had to take. Edward could tell instantly that she was smitten with him. He was taken with her too. It didn't take long for their mutual appreciation to grow and soon they were dating.

He proposed a year later and hadn't looked back.

Looking back now, Edward wondered if he had rushed into marriage a little too quickly and eagerly. He wouldn't take it back though, because if he were truthful with himself Emmett made it all worthwhile.

Edward looked at his sleeping son one last time before forcing himself to get up. Leaning over he placed a gentle kiss on his son's forehead and brushed the stray hair to the sides.

"I love you." He whispered softly as he made his way out of the room.

Edward could hear Tanya moving around in the bedroom, probably getting up from her nap as well. Leaning his head against the wall he took a deep breath, composing himself. It wouldn't do any good to go in with guns blazing, he needed to be calm.

Closing his eyes Edward pictured Bella sitting in the chase at the hotel, his t-shirt on and her hair tangled and matted from their activities. The image was calling to him, all of him. His heart, mind, and soul were with her. Now he just needed his body to be as well.

The first step was the hardest, but once he got his feet moving they led him easily to the door. He stood in the doorway and watched as she moved lazily around the room for a moment. This was going to be difficult.

"How was your nap?" Edward questioned softly.

"Wonderful," Tanya answered looking at him over her shoulder as she threw her pajamas into the hamper. "How was your thing with Jasper?"

"We actually need to talk about that Tanya." Edward whispered as he moved into the room and sat down on the bed.

She seemed to look at him for a moment before sighing. "Is Emmett still asleep?"

"Yes," he stated.

"Then forget talking," Tanya purred "there are other things I would rather be doing."

She walked in front of him then and tangled her hands in his hair as she straddled him. Tanya leaned in to kiss him and he found himself responding out of habit. It only took a moment for him to realize what he was doing, and instantly pulled back.

"I'm serious Tanya, we need to talk."

Tanya made a pouting face, as she tried to grind herself into him. He couldn't handle the wave of nausea that hit him and quickly picked her up placing her on the bed beside him.

"What is so important that _I_ can't have _my_ fun?" Tanya asked her voice nasally and whiney.

Edward sighed, running his hand through his hair and tugging on the ends a bit as he turned and looked at her.

"Don't be absurd, Tanya, please. There really is no easy way to say this; I'm not even sure how to begin." Edward stuttered his voice fluttering through the air.

"Just spit it out already so we can move on." Tanya replied tugging on the hem of his shirt as she spoke.

"I wasn't with Jasper…I broke our marriage vows, Tanya. I had an affair." His hands reached out to gently grab hers, pulling them away from the hem of his shirt.

"Okay." Tanya replied sitting for a moment and digesting the information. He watched as hurt and anger fluttered across her face and then he saw determination.

"I forgive you," Tanya whispered squeezing his hands as she spoke. She moved to straddle him again and his hands reached out to stop her.

"That is very kind of you," Edward answered softly "but I want a divorce Tanya. I love her."

"What are people going to think? To SAY?" she seethed. "All of our friends and family, the people I work with. How could you?"

"I truly am sorry, Tanya, I never meant for this to happen." He whispered his eyes cast downward.

"Yeah," Tanya answered her voice full of malice "that makes two of us. I was hoping to be able to tell you the good news, but this sure puts a hamper on it."

"What are you talking about?" Edward asked confused by her rant.

"You're going to be a daddy again, Edward."

He sat in shock for a moment, unable to move. Edward seemed to find his voice before his brain was ready.

"How is that even possible?"

"Well you see Edward," Tanya sneered "when a man and a woman…"

"I haven't slept with you in months, Tanya, and I thought you were on the pill."

"I may have forgotten to take a few." She replied shrugging her shoulders. "I hope it's a girl."

"How long have you known for?" Edward asked.

"Awhile," Tanya answered "you were so distant and cold. I thought you just needed some time, so I gave it to you."

"This isn't something you just put on the backburner, Tanya. How far along are you? I've seen you drinking wine on more than one occasion."

She sighed in annoyance before hopping up off the bed and turning to glare at him. "I'm a good mother, don't you dare make it seem otherwise. A little wine doesn't hurt; you and your _medical degree_ should know that."

Edward's shoulders sagged as he took in what she was saying. He could feel tears prickling in his eyes and he thought through his options.

"I guess this changes everything," he whispered.

"I figured as much," Tanya replied tersely, quickly leaving the room.

Edward sat on the bed his face in his hands. He could feel the tears beginning to fall, could feel his heart breaking slowly. He couldn't divorce her if she was pregnant, he wouldn't do that to her.

He pictured Bella in his lap as they sat in the chase, the way the smile fell across her face when he told her he would leave his wife. His heart ached at the image and he had to bite his lip to stifle his cry.

He was going to break her and he hated himself for it.

Edward listened to the beep of his phone, pushing the bile back that was steadily rising in his throat. He could hear Tanya moving around in the kitchen, most likely getting lunch ready. He picked up the phone in a daze, and numbly punched his security code in, listening to the message.

"Edward, its Bella." He could hear the waver in her voice and knew that she had been crying. Edward could feel the worry building up in him but he pushed it down. He had to remain numb, indifferent or this would kill him. "Things with Mike didn't go very well," she sobbed again and the tug still remained "he kicked me out. He is trying to take Alice away from me, Edward."

He listened to her cries, feeling each one like a punch to the gut. It suddenly hurt to breathe.

"You're probably busy talking to Tanya, so I will just talk to you later. We're staying at Angela's so give me a call when you get this. I love you."

The message ended and he sat quietly staring at the phone. His hands began to shake. He couldn't do this to her, he couldn't tell her, couldn't hurt her, hear her cries. Edward placed the phone next to him on the bed, his hands tugging on his hair.

"Lunch is ready." He heard Tanya yell up the stairs.

He didn't move.

_**Ducks head, Cowers in corner…**_

_**Thanks again to all of you who reviewed! I emailed everyone (that I could) who reviewed a sneak peak at this chapter and it got an overwhelming response… So I want to ask… Do you want me to continue with the preview/sneak peak?**_

_**Now on with the difficult stuff:**_

_**I spent quite a bit of time the last two days hashing over Chapter 13 (the next chapter) and the events that unfold (and whether or not to stay true to what happened to Kat or to stray from the story)… After an hour long email fest with Ashlyn and Ashley I have decided that I need to put up a note before posting the next chapters.**_

_**Why you may ask?**_

_**I'm going to quote Ashlyn on this one and then talk some more:**_

**_"_****_Oh myGod. You've managed to make me hate Edward. I just want to chop his head off."_**

_**I was a bit surprised… until I actually sat down and read why she felt that way… No matter how much I defended Edward, explaining his side and point of view it would still seem that way. Without understanding the emotional state he is in, he does in fact come across like an ass. I suddenly realized that Chapter 13 wasn't going to work unless you see both sides and into both minds… **_

_**So, there will be two Chapter 13's one from Bella's perspective and one from Edwards. I've written them both and I will most likely be posting them at the same time. (So next update will be 2 chapters instead of 1)…I want to go ahead and remind people that this is and EDWARD AND BELLA story! (and if that isn't a big enough hint I don't know what is!)**_

_**Sometimes things take an unexpected turn in life and we just have to strap ourselves in and go for the ride… Since I'm writing this long ass note anyway I just want to say: Thanks for taking this ride with me!**_

"_**Strap yourself in because it's going to get bumpy!"**_

_**Rockbandstar**_


	13. Longing BPOV

**Chapter 13- Longing (BPOV)**

**Mood Music: Beethoven's Romances- #1 in G, #2 in F, Reasons to Love you by Meiko**

_She looked in the living room and noted that Mike sat on the sofa silently staring out the window. Her rings no longer sat on the table in front of him._

_"I'm taking Alice with me until we can get something figured out," Bella stated ignoring his eyes which were now boring into her. "I'm not comfortable leaving her here when you are obviously angry. I will most likely be staying at Angela's if you need me."_

_"What not going to rendezvous with lover boy?" Mike asked sneering._

_She let the door slamming behind her do the talking for her._

**-Present Day-**

"Good morning, Bella." Dr. Parker smiled softly looking at her over his glasses. "How are you feeling today?"

"Alright, I suppose." Bella stated shrugging in response as she twirled the notebook in her hand.

"How did the assignment go?" he prodded pointing towards the free chair in front of him.

Bella sat down, leaning back slightly to get comfortable. "It was interesting."

He smiled at her answer before commenting. "Is interesting a good thing or a bad thing?"

"A good thing, I think." she smiled softly before reaching out and placing her notebook on the desk in front of him.

"I will only read it if you're sure you want me to." He held it in front of him, binding still closed. "I want you to be able to trust me Isabella. I want to be able to help you."

"I understand." Bella whispered softly "You can read it."

He looked at her over his glasses once again before quietly nodding. He held the book in front of him opening it gingerly. While he read, Bella looked around the room noting the pictures and plaques on the wall.

After what seemed like an eternity, Bella heard the gentle clearing of his throat and she brought her gaze to him.

"Very good Bella, I am truly impressed. You were open and honest and came to some very good conclusions. There are a few things I feel we should discuss from in here, though. Would that be okay?"

"Yes," she blushed softly "that would be fine."

"I'm going to start off with a few simple things before we delve right in. You were open and honest in here and you shared your feelings and concerns. Thank you for taking this assignment seriously. Your conversation with Angela was a real turning point for you; it's obvious from your writing. You've answered some questions that not only I had but you had as well."

"Now that you understand better why you had an affair and how that affected you, I think we need to talk about how and why things ended between Edward and yourself."

Bella could feel her heart pounding on her ribcage and she took in a deep breath fighting back tears. "I'm not sure I am ready for that."

Dr. Parker sat the notebook down on the desk in front of him and looked up at her a small frown on his face.

"Bella you have been coming to see me for over a month now and I think that this is an important issue we need to discuss."

"I'm not ready."

"You may never be ready until you face it head on." He replied.

"I can't."

"You can, Bella. I am here to help you and to help you we need to discuss this. Tell me, Bella, why is it that you blame yourself for the events that led to your split with Edward? This was a situation where you had no control over what happened, no blame to be placed on you. Yet you write as if the split was your fault."

Bella could feel the tears stinging her eyes and she swiped at them automatically. "You don't understand."

"Then help me understand. From what I see and from what you have told me none of this was your fault. Neither of you knew that Tanya was pregnant and if you had would it have really changed how you felt? You loved him Bella and he hurt you."

"He was just trying to do the right thing," Bella cried softly "I couldn't fault him for that."

"But you can fault yourself?" Dr. Parker questioned. "Tell me, Bella. Tell me why it is that you blame yourself for the events that followed?"

"Because I let him walk away." Bella answered.

**-Four Months Prior-**

Bella awoke from a deep sleep to find that she could hear her phone ringing beside her head. Reaching to grab it, so that it didn't wake Alice, she looked at the clock realizing it was way too early for anyone to be calling her. Looking at the caller ID, she rolled off the bed and tiptoed out of the room.

"It's 4 am." She grumbled into the phone plopping down on the floor in the hallway.

"I know and I'm sorry," Edward whispered "but I needed to talk to you."

"It's been a week, Edward." Bella's voice broke softly as she spoke. Whether from sleepiness or hurt, she wasn't sure.

"I know," he answered. She was surprised at how distant he sounded. The thought seemed to twist the knife, which had been present in her heart, just a bit further. "I've had to deal with some things before I could call you."

"I understand," Bella whispered "This will all be worth it in the end, when we can be together."

"I know its early Bella, but do you think Angela could watch Alice? I need to see you, to talk to you."

"Hold on," Bella stated pulling herself up and avoiding the nagging feeling in her gut that told her not to go. She gently knocked on Angela's door,

"Bella?" Angela asked opening the door a crack, her eyes squinty from sleep.

"I have to go help a friend," Bella whispered trying not to wake up Angela's husband Ben. "I'm sorry to ask, but can you watch Alice until I get back?"

Angela stepped out and closed the door behind her looking at Bella and the phone in her hand.

"Are you sure there isn't something else going on?"

"Angela you know I wouldn't ask unless I absolutely had to."

Her friend looked at her for a moment before sighing and nodding softly. "Drive safely, Bella."

--

Bella made it to the hotel quicker than she anticipated and she sat in her car for a moment steadying her hands. She knew something was wrong, her heart and gut were telling her that. She took a few deep breaths before hopping out of the car and heading inside and to the room he had texted her.

She raised her hand to knock, before deciding against it and trying the door. He had left it unlocked.

He sat in a chase chair similar to the one he had found her in the last time they had stayed in this hotel. His head wasn't turned towards her, but instead was facing away and towards the window.

He looked exhausted.

"Edward," Bella murmured making her way to him.

His head turned to look at her and she was surprised when she looked into his eyes, which were void of anything.

"Bella, you made it."

His hair was tousled on his head and it looked like he had been continually running his hands through it. She held her arm out and gently brushed his hair off of his forehead. His face winced slightly at the contact.

"What's wrong, Edward?" her voice wavered as she spoke.

He looked into her eyes and she saw a flash of something cross his face before his lips were on hers. He grabbed and pulled her to him, pressing her against the wall in the process, molding their bodies together.

Neither said a word as they continued to kiss, neither willing to admit defeat. Her fingers played with the hair at the nape of his neck and she suddenly realized he was losing control. His hands tangled into her hair and his lips folded over hers, their tongues wresting.

She heard a whimper escape his mouth and she tugged on his hair, shivering from the sound. He snaked his hands under her shirt, lifting her up and wrapping her around him. His mouth was on her lips, her cheeks, her eyes, and then her neck and ears. He gently kissed and sucked and nibbled and as he did she could hear his ragged breathing.

"Edward?" she whispered in his ear.

He seemed to ignore her, pulling the t-shirt off and throwing it on the floor. He continued to paw her clothes off and then his own, not letting go of her for a moment.

He entered her quickly, grunting in the process. His eyes were clenched tight, his jaw strained and Bella wrapped her legs around him pulling him closer, deeper.

The wall scratched against her back, but she didn't mind. She could feel so much more this way, her labored breathing matching his, feel his heart beating against her skin. It was all too much and she found herself crying out. He opened his eyes and looked at her then, the intensity of his stare startling her.

"Bella," he cried a tear falling from his eye as he pressed his forehead against hers. "Oh god, Bella."

"Edward," she whispered against his lips, never breaking eye contact "I love you."

"I love you too," he moaned as he released inside of her. He carried her over and sat in the chase her body wrapped in his.

"I love you, Bella," Edward whispered "god do I love you. But you are going to hate me."

**Next up Desperation: Edward's Perspective of the events of this chapter...**

**I just wanted to say thanks for your response to the last chapter... I love reading all of your reviews!**


	14. Desperation EPOV

**Chapter 13- Desperation (EPOV)**

**Mood Music: Beethoven's Romances- #1 in G, #2 in F, Reasons to Love you by Meiko**

_The message ended and he sat quietly staring at the phone. His hands began to shake. He couldn't do this to her, he couldn't tell her, couldn't hurt her, hear her cries. He placed the phone next to him on the bed, his hands tugging on his hair._

_"Lunch is ready." He heard Tanya yell up the stairs._

_He didn't move._

--

It had been a week, a very long week, since Edward had last seen or spoken to Bella. A week since Tanya had dropped the baby bomb and his world was flipped upside down. Edward knew he was being a coward, avoiding the one conversation he needed to have.

He couldn't break her, but he couldn't put it off any longer. The time and distance were killing him, slowly. He couldn't think of anything but Bella and the message she had left him. The thoughts consumed him as did his hatred of himself.

Edward rolled over looking at the clock on the nightstand, sighing in frustration. Looking at the empty bed next to him, he groaned forcing himself to grab his phone. He was a jerk for putting this off and he couldn't any longer.

The gentle ringing seemed to soothe his nerves and he silently crossed his fingers hoping for the answering machine. Then she answered.

"It's 4 am." She growled and he found himself steadying himself to the sound of her voice.

"I know and I'm sorry," Edward whispered as he stared at the ceiling "but I needed to talk to you."

"It's been a week, Edward." Bella's voice broke and suddenly his heart was shattered. He wanted to apologize, to tell her how much he loved her and missed her. Instead he replied softly with an "I know."

There was a small silence and he suddenly felt the need to explain, to make things right if only for the moment. "I've had to deal with some things before I could call you."

"I understand," her voice whispered melodically. "This will all be worth it in the end, when we can be together."

"I know its early Bella, but do you think Angela could watch Alice? I need to see you, to talk to you."

--

Edward had texted Bella the room number, not bothering to mention the fact that he had been staying there before he called her. He couldn't deal with all of this, let alone be in the same bed as Tanya while trying to do so.

Edward sat in the chase facing away from the door, stealing himself for the conversation that was going to come. He could feel the tears prickling his eyelids and he rubbed his palms harshly on them, pushing the feeling away.

He didn't deserve to cry.

Edward took a few breaths to steady himself and quickly put on the mask he had been wearing for the last week. Turning away from the door he looked out the window, memorizing every color and every pattern. He would never forgive himself for this day, for this moment.

"Edward," Bella spoke softly behind him and his heart lurched in his chest.

He turned to look at her and was taken back with how beautiful she really was. A week had been too long and Edward had no idea how he was going to do this, going to last. His heart and mind weren't meshing and he felt his body reaching for her.

"Bella, you made it." Speaking pulled him out of his revere and he put his hands back into his lap.

She reached out and gently touched his forehead and he felt a shock go through him. He winced away, immediately feeling guilty when he saw the hurt on her face.

"What's wrong, Edward?" her voice wavered as she spoke.

He steeled his jaw, preparing to tell her what a truly horrible person he was and how sorry he felt. But then their eyes met and all he could feel and see and think was how much he loved her. He lurched out of the chair, his lips meeting hers and his soul rejoiced.

Edward knew what he was doing was wrong, knew that she was going to hate him. Just one more moment, he told himself silently as he pressed her against the wall his body fitting perfectly with hers. 'One more moment before I lose her forever.'

Edward didn't trust his voice to speak, unwilling to admit what a horrible monster he was. His hands tangled in her hair and he pulled her to him tighter. He was losing control and he knew it but he couldn't pull away, he wouldn't pull away. Then it would be over.

He knew for all intense and purposes the moment he told her why she was here that he would lose her. He cried out then, against her mouth, in despair. She seemed to not understand as he felt her shiver from the sound and he suddenly found his hands under her shirt, all over her skin.

Pulling away he kissed every part of her body he could reach, memorizing the texture and taste. His breathing was ragged from holding back tears and all he could think was 'oh god, please forgive me.'

"Edward?" she whispered in his ear and he wondered if she could tell something was wrong.

He ignored the pain searing in his chest, ignored his brain which was shouting at him to stop, and gently pulled her t-shirt from her body throwing it on the floor. Edward continued to paw their clothes off ignoring the warning bells going off in his mind.

'I love you so much, I can't live without you, but I am going to have to.' His mind screamed as his arms locked around her tightly wanting to remember the feel of her body. 'Ask me to stay and I will, please god, ask me to stay.'

The moment he entered her he knew he would never feel alive again. He groaned in protest his heart breaking as he tried not to cry. Edward clenched his eyes tight, fighting back tears and focusing on feeling her this one last time.

Bella wrapped her legs around him pulling him closer, deeper into her than before. His breathing accelerated to match hers and he could feel her tightening around him. She cried out and he found his eyes opening to look at her, mesmerized by how she looked and felt.

Her name fell from his lips and suddenly he was crying. Edward pressed his forehead to hers, feeling her body molding with his and completing him.

"Oh god, Bella." Edward whimpered his heart breaking in his chest.

"Edward," she whispered against his lips, never breaking eye contact with him "I love you."

"I love you too," he moaned as his heart shattered and he released inside of her. He held her to him, his mind playing over what had just happened. He couldn't loathe himself anymore if he tried his body shook with dry sobs and he knew he had to move. Edward wrapped her body around his sitting in the chase, feeling himself go numb words tumbled from his lips.

'Oh god, what have I done.'

"I love you, Bella," Edward whispered "god do I love you. But you are going to hate me."

**Next Chapter will be the "talk" between Edward and Bella..**

**The Sneak Peeks seem to be a hit, so I will be continuing to send them out! I can't wait to hear your thoughts on these two chapters! **

**Thanks To my Super Awesome Beta for these chapters: Ashley you are amazing, thanks for being patient with my mistakes and rambling and Ashlyn thanks for proving me wrong!**


	15. Regret

**Regret**

**Mood Music: Never Think by Robert Pattinson, Goodbye my Lover by James Blunt, Tchaikovsky: Violin Concerto in D.**

"_I love you too," he moaned as his heart shattered and he released inside of her. He held her to him, his mind playing over what had just happened. He couldn't loathe himself anymore if he tried his body shook with dry sobs and he knew he had to move. Edward wrapped her body around his sitting in the chase, feeling himself go numb words tumbled from his lips._

'_Oh god, what have I done.'_

"_I love you, Bella," Edward whispered "god do I love you. But you are going to hate me."_

_--_

"I love you, Bella," Edward whispered "god do I love you. But you are going to hate me."

Bella felt her heart drop into her stomach as she looked at the man holding her in his arms. He looked like he was in physical pain and she suddenly felt sick.

"What's going on, Edward?" Bella asked softly, tenderly wiping away a few of the tears that were once again escaping his eyes.

"You know I love you," Edward sobbed softly "I love you so much."

"You're scaring me, Edward," Bella replied a frown now etched onto her face "Please; I am here for you tell me what you need."

"I need you." Edward cried burying his face in her neck. "I need you but I can't have you."

"What are you talking about? You're not making any sense."

"I'm so sorry," Edward muttered "I'm such a horrible person, I am such a coward. I wish I had the will."

"Edward."

"Bella, please don't say my name I don't think I can take it."

She pulled away from him then, and stood stock still in front of him staring at him.

"I didn't know, and I'm not sure if I had that it would have changed anything. I love you so much, Bella, that it blinds me sometimes. I don't.. I just…" Sobs escaped his lips again and he began to tug at his hair.

"Have you talked to Tanya?" Bella asked calmly trying to decipher why the man in front of her was falling apart.

"Yes." Edward gulped. "I talked to her the moment I got home."

"And?" Bella questioned clearly confused about what was going on.

"She's pregnant, Bella."

"What?"

"She is _pregnant_. Apparently she has known for awhile and waited until I told her I was leaving her to tell me."

"Well isn't that just convenient," Bella cried softly plopping down on the couch across from him before realizing she was still unclothed. Reaching down she pulled his t-shirt over her body, her hands shaking through the process.

"I can't divorce her when she is pregnant, Bella. I am not that man. I can't do that to her or to our families."

"You're leaving me." Her sobs began to fill the air as she finally realized what he was trying to tell her.

"I'm sorry."

Bella shook her head for a moment before reaching up and wiping the tears from her face. She felt like she couldn't breathe and suddenly she was dizzy. Bella wondered if she could make it to the bathroom before she threw up.

"Congratulations."

"Don't. Please. I can't take it if you're nice about this. I was a dick to you, Bella. I came here knowing what I had to tell you and I still made love with you. I just needed to have one last moment with you before I had to say goodbye, one last memory. I'm such a horrible person, you should hate me."

Edward's hands tugged on his hair for a moment before he looked up and into her eyes. "I love you, Bella. I love you so much that it hurts when you aren't near me. I don't think I can take it if you're not mad at me. I'll never be able to forgive myself for hurting you, ever."

"I love you too, Edward." Bella cried the tears now streaming down her face. "I wish things were different."

"So do I," Edward whimpered in response. "More than you will ever know."

Edward stood up then, quickly pulling on his boxers and jeans before kneeling in front of her, cradling her in his arms.

"Ask me to stay." Edward whispered his tears running down her neck. "All you have to do is say the word and I will leave everyone behind, my family, my friends. Please, ask me to stay."

"I can't do that." Bella replied her tears hitting his hair, making the bronze color look darker almost distorted. "You have a family to get back to; you're going to have another child to take care of."

Edward moved away from her then, his hands running roughly along his face and through his hair.

"I will always love you, Bella."

He leaned over and placed a soft kiss on her lips and she could taste the salt of his tears.

"Please don't hate me." He whispered.

"Never." Bella replied.

And then he was gone.

Bella sat for a moment on the couch looking around the room. Her heart was throbbing softly in her chest and she wondered if she could die of a broken heart.

She stood and tried to make her way to the bathroom, stopping at a trashcan as she felt the bile rise in her throat.

Bella lay with the can between her arms dry heaving and sobbing into the can.

She could feel her hands shaking as she tried to start the car, her fingers numbly trying to turn the key, to get her away. Her heart was in her throat, what was left of her heart anyway and she heard a sob escape her lips as she smacked the steering wheel.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be, they were supposed to be together.

"Stupid Tanya," Bella muttered under her breath "stupid fucking Edward."

After a few tries she finally got the key turned her grip on the steering tightening. Bella drove through the anger and tears, which she knew wasn't safe. At the moment, she didn't seem to care.

She pulled her car into Angela and Ben's driveway running her hands through her hair and over her face. She knew she looked like shit but there was little she could do about it now. Wiping her face, Bella steeled her nerves and made her way into the house, running into Angela in the foyer.

"Bella?" Angela stated softly "Bella are you alright?"

"I'm fine," Bella replied wiping the tears that were still falling down her face. "I'm going to shower and get ready for the day."

"Alright," Angela replied looking at her hesitantly before pulling her into a hug. "Whatever it is, sweetie, it will be okay."

Bella nodded, making her way down the hall and into the bathroom. She tore her clothing off and threw them in the corner feeling the tears stream down her face. She held the sobs in as turned on the water, climbing in and grabbing the loofa to scrub her skin.

Under the water, she let the tears and sobs out knowing that no one would hear them.

**I'm going out of town for the weekend so there probably won't be any updates until Monday or Tuesday (unless I get some free time on my mini-trip). ****You guys seemed to love/loathe Edward's POV, which I felt was the more emotional of the two anyway!**

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed, added to your alerts, or made this story a favorite! Ya'll are amazing! I'm planning on sending the sneak peek out Sunday night when I get home (so be looking for that!)**


	16. Hiding

**Hiding**

**Mood Music: Sleep by Meiko, Let me Sign by Robert Pattinson, Bittersweet Memories by Ray Lamontagne, and Beethoven's symphony (Scherzo) number 9**

**A few quick things… Forgive me for the mistakes I didn't have my beta read this as I wanted to get it posted quickly for you guys since you had to wait all weekend…Also **_Italics _**are dream sequences NOT memories!**

**-Present Day-**

"Let's talk about the nightmares you have been having." Dr. Parker stated as he stood from his desk and made his way across the room, pulling a book off of a shelf before making his way back to his desk.

"I would rather not." Bella replied softly.

He sighed for a moment before pulling his glasses off of his face and rubbing his eyes. "Bella, tell me why you are here."

"I am here because my other doctor felt that I needed an outlet, somewhere to voice my problems and concerns. It was also recommended by the courts to help Alice deal with the transition."

"And do you agree with that assessment?"

"Does it really matter?" Bella snapped.

"Obviously it does." Dr. Parker replied setting the book on his desk. "I can't help you unless you let me."

"We've spent quite a bit of time discussing Mike and Edward but I don't think we have really gotten to the root issue of why you are having these nightmares."

"I divorced my husband and the father of my child to be with another man who was unavailable. I think stress is the least of my problems."

"Sarcasm is a good defense mechanism, Isabella, for those who can't see through it. Keep that in mind."

--

**-Three Months Prior-**

_He leaned down to touch her and her body shivered in anticipation. His lips met hers roughly, pressing her further into the wall as they melted into each other. Her tongue wrestled with his and a low moan escaped his lips. His hand snaked up her legs and wrapped around her waist pulling her tighter to him._

Bella woke from her dream, her breathing ragged. She placed her palm over her slamming heart trying to calm the erratic rhythm. Shaking her head and silently cursing herself she crawled out of bed and made her way down the hall, careful not to wake anyone up.

Her feet made a gentle padding noise as she made her way down the stairs and into the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of water. As she gulped the glass of water down, she could feel her heart rate slowing and sighed in acceptance.

This wasn't the first time she had dreamed of Edward, hell it wasn't even the first time that night. The dreams seemed to be haunting her with such precise cruelty that they were crippling in effect. She could feel more than hear the presence of Angela and turned to look at her friend, softly frowning.

"I didn't wake you did I?" Bella questioned.

"Not exactly, but I had a feeling you would be up. Jesus, Bella it's three in the morning."

"I know," she sighed softly running her hands through her tangled hair and wincing as her fingers pulled on the tangles.

"You haven't gotten a solid night of sleep in awhile, Bella. I'm getting worried about you. You won't tell me what is going on, but I can see that something is bothering you, it's eating you alive."

"I'm fine."

"Says the walking zombie," Angela replied her tongue clucking softly. "I'm here if you need me, Bella, and so is Ben. I just wanted to let you know that."

"Thanks Angie." Bella whispered to the empty doorway, knowing she would hear.

Bella found herself sitting at the kitchen counter staring at the phone. When she found her thoughts and feelings concurring she reached calmly towards the phone. Unconsciously she started punching in the number she had memorized before snapping back to reality. Sighing she hung the phone back up and made her way to the living room. She lay on the soft couch staring at the ceiling.

"_I love you, Bella."_

"_I love you too, Edward." She whispered against his mouth. He thrust into her causing her to cry out. His movements were erratic and he was panting above her. His eyes were scrunched closed as if he couldn't bear to look at her._

_He released inside of her before pulling away, face scrunching up in agony as he looked at her for a moment. "My wife is pregnant what in the world am I doing?"_

_He hopped up and pulled his clothes back on turning to look back at her and shaking his head softly._

"_I'm sorry Bella, but you can never be her."_

Bella bolted off of the couch barely making it to the bathroom. Placing her head against the toilet seat she let the contents of her stomach fill the bowl. Her eyes burned with unshed tears and she laid her face against the cool tile, her body in agony. She could feel the scream catching in her throat, feel her heart beating against her ribcage and her mind wandered.

What if she had asked him to stay, begged him not to leave her. Would he really have left his wife, his family, and his friends for her? Was that cruel fate's one chance to change the future and if so why had she ignored it? Bella found herself counting the tiles on the ceiling, finding the mundane task calming and relaxing.

Bella stood up, using the tub to help support her weight as she looked at herself in the mirror. She didn't even recognize the person she saw anymore. Her hair was matted and twisted around her, knotted and caked with sweat. Her eyes were puffy and red from fighting off tears, their vibrancy now gone. Wincing at the image in the mirror she returned to her bed and the constant tossing, turning, and nightmares that seemed to plague her.

It had been a month since she had last seen Edward in the motel room. A month since she had felt alive, since she had felt anything. Sleep was eluding her and Bella found herself tormented by the images of her dream. The numb feeling that had taken residence as of lately was being burned out by a steady pain in her stomach.

It didn't help that she had to deal with Mike on a daily basis now. After having time to cool off he was still bitter enough to want full custody. It wasn't going to happen, even if Bella had to fight dirty she wasn't losing her daughter. Angela had helped her acquire a divorce lawyer named Rosalie Hale who had promised to do everything in her power not to let that happen.

It did little to assuage her concerns.

Rosalie had told her that Mike's defense team was focusing on her relationship with Edward and the affect it would have on Alice in the long haul. They were trying to say that Bella was an unstable source in Alice's life and were trying to use Edward as proof of that.

It was absurd.

And to make matters worse Rosalie had dropped a major bomb in Bella's lap, unconsciously of course. Mike had subpoenaed Edward to the trial, on his behalf. While Bella knew in her heart that Edward would only have good things to say about her as a mother, the fact that she would have to be in the same room as him and face him made her more than just a little nauseous.

Bella had almost passed out when Rosalie had told her, and the poor girl looked so confused and flustered. So Bella told her everything.

It was the first time she had admitted to anyone other than Mike that she had an affair. It seemed to bond them somehow. Sure, Rosalie had read the case file and knew that there were some "marital issues" including adultery but she didn't know the full story.

It felt good to talk it out, but Bella couldn't help but wince as she saw the look of pity on the woman's face. Pity was the last thing she needed, especially from her lawyer. Some good had come out of the conversation, though. Rosalie thought that she could convince the judge to have a closed trial. This meant no smearing of Edward or Bella's names in public.

That was something she could live with.

Bella's stomach seemed to lurch and she found herself once again planted in front of the toilet. Her stomach was empty; the dry heaves proof of that. The muscle spasms only seemed to make her dizzy and she found herself closing her eyes and resting her head against the side of the tub.

"Only a few more hours until morning," Bella whispered softly to herself. The statement seemed depressingly hopeful. It was at that moment she realized how truly lost she was and how truly lonely she was without him. It didn't take long for exhaustion to overcome her and she was asleep against the tub.

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed, added to your alerts, or made this story a favorite! You guys are amazing! The Sneak Peek idea is a hit.. so I am going to continue sending them out, so be looking for them in your inbox! **

**Twifanficfreak created a forum for this over on Twilighted. She is kind of lonely over there so you should definitely go talk with her… If you want to discuss this with others or just hear my thoughts/feelings on the characters/chapters than check it out! I posted the link in my profile!**


	17. Misery

**Misery- EPOV**

**Mood Music: Old Letters by Company of Thieves, Dreaming with a Broken Heart by John Mayer, and I Lie Awake by Quietdrive**

_"Sometimes I remember  
__secrets that you said  
In places nobody could trace  
Ooh you creep around my head  
With all the things you said"_

_Old Letters by Company of Thieves_

Edward sat on the hood of his car, watching the sun rise. He knew where he was although he had gotten there unconsciously, driving in circles all night before parking here. He knew that he was asking for trouble coming here, but his heart and mind both seemed to lead him to this location.

It had been a month since he had seen Bella. Edward had sat in his car and watched her exit the motel, watched her break down, the tears cascading over her face. The image haunted his thoughts and dreams.

He _loathed_ himself.

The paperwork that sat on the passenger's seat of his car only reminded him of all the trouble he had caused. The paperwork was the current cause and relief to his tormented mind. Edward would have to face Bella and know that she was there because of him. But he would get to see her!

Tanya had opened the envelope and merely chuckled, throwing them on the counter in front of him. He couldn't help but cringe at the gloating look on her face, as if she had won. It made him sick.

After a brief argument, a very common occurrence lately, he had stormed out of the house and to his car the paperwork clenched tightly in his fist. He was angrier than he should have been; at least that is what he told himself.

His marriage was a sham, they both knew it and his family was starting to see it. Edward was beginning to question every decision that he had made that had led him to this point in his life. He thought back to the previous week, when he had met his parents for dinner.

---

"Is everything alright, dear?" Esme asked concern filling her voice.

"I'm fine, mom." Edward replied running his hand roughly through his hair, trying to push the images of Bella's tear streaked face out of his head.

"It's too bad Tanya couldn't join us tonight."

"Yeah," Edward muttered "too bad."

His mother's face seemed to twist into concern for a moment and he watched as she shared a look with his father, Carlisle.

"When is her next doctor's appointment?" Carlisle questioned.

"No clue," Edward answered shrugging his shoulder "maybe you could ask her and let me know. She obviously wants me kept out of the loop."

He noticed the concern on his parent's face and frowned; trying to ease the mood he shrugged his shoulders and forced a smile. "Hormones."

Carlisle chuckled in response, but Edward knew that it was forced. He didn't want his parents to be caught up in his problems, in his self hatred.

---

The rest of the dinner had remained fairly quiet. They talked a bit about Emmett and how he was doing, as well as how Jasper's new business was going. The conversation was forced and it wasn't until later that Edward realized why.

---

"Son, can I talk to you for a moment?" Carlisle asked as his mother made her way to the restroom.

"Sure, dad, what's up?"

"A lawyer named Jessica Stanley got a hold of me today, she was looking for you; trying to get in touch with you."

"Did she say what it was about?"

"She told me that it involved a custody case over a Miss Alice Newton and that it was urgent. She wouldn't give me specifics but she said that you needed to get a hold of her as soon as possible."

Edward was drinking as his dad spoke and he felt the water shoot out of his mouth. He coughed for a moment, covering the shock on his face with the napkin.

"Are you going to be honest with me and tell me what is going on?" Carlisle whispered concern on his face. "I don't have to tell your mother but I need to know why I have lawyers calling me at home looking for you Edward."

"It's not what you are thinking, dad."

"So Alice isn't yours?"

"I wish," Edward mumbled. His face in shock as he realized he had spoken out loud.

"I'm not sure what is going on, Edward. I'm a little concerned that you won't tell me but I do have a few things I need to say before your mother gets back to the table. It is pretty obvious that you and Tanya are having problems."

Edward found his mouth opening to protest but he couldn't find it in him to do so.

"That's what I thought," Carlisle mumbled "I hope that you aren't staying in this miserable marriage because you feel you have a duty to your mother and I. Yes, we are friends with Tanya's parents, but above all our concern is your happiness."

Carlisle looked around the restaurant for a moment before looking at his son.

"I got a call from Jacob Black about a month ago; his father is a good friend of mine. He wanted to ask if your divorce got dirty if I would be willing to testify. You were going to divorce Tanya, weren't you?"

Edward sat in shock for a moment, unable to move before nodding his head clearing his throat.

"She told me she was pregnant that night."

"Well that is interesting," Carlisle muttered. "A bit too convenient, if you ask me."

His mother arrived back at the table then, smiling at them as she sat down.

"I swear you boy's gossip worse than us girls."

---

The words of his father seemed to swirl around in his head, only building his anger. Edward knew that Tanya's timing was bad, but was there really more to it than that? Carlisle suddenly had him wondering. After all, he hadn't gone to any doctor's appointments or even seen any ultrasound pictures. Things seemed fishy.

He and Tanya would have to have a serious discussion.

Edward placed his head in his hands for a moment, looking around at the empty park. How pathetic was he for coming back here, reliving the memories. He was startled out of his thoughts by the buzzing of his cell phone. Pulling it out of the pocket he was unsurprised to see it was Tanya. Throwing the phone through his window, into the passenger's seat, Edward made his way along the well worn track and away from the road.

He needed time to think.

Edward followed the shrouded path that Bella had once shown him, feeling the gentle breeze brush across his face. He could hear the gentle lapping of the water against the rocks before he could see it. The sound seemed to instantly relax him and he found himself lying in the grass looking up at the clouds through the trees.

Edward thought about the last time he had been in this location. The look on Bella's face as she lay in the grass, the feel of her hand in his, the taste of her lips as they met his.

A small groan escaped his lips.

He couldn't keep doing this to himself, thoughts of Bella tormenting him.

"I couldn't stop thinking about her then, what makes me think I can stop thinking about her now." He whispered to himself as he flung his arm over his eyes, blocking them from the sun.

"_I'm going to kiss you Bella." Edward stated looking over at the children for a moment before scooting closer and wrapping his hand around her head, pulling her gently into him._

_He leaned in slowly his lips meeting her softly, just barely brushing hers. She brought her hand that was cupping his face around his neck and wrapped it in the hair that lay there. He continued to place gentle kisses on her lips the emotion of the moment filling him completely._

_He leaned his forehead against hers as he deepened the kiss, causing her hand to tug on his hair and him to nip her bottom lip. She angled her neck adding more pressure and he moved so that he was lying over her, his lips never leaving hers._

_After a moment he pulled away panting slightly and brushed a gentle kiss on her forehead before burying his head in her hair._

"_Let's just lay like this for awhile." He murmured. _

"_I would like that," Bella replied softly resting her head against his chest and curling her hands against him over his heart._

Edward awoke with a start his breathing ragged. He looked around him for a moment, in confusion. The sun was above him in the sky and he realized he must have dozed off for a short time. His hands ran through his disheveled hair and he found he couldn't catch his breath. His eyes met his reflection in the water and he suddenly realized he was crying.

His hands swept the traitor tears from his face and he found himself digging his palms into his eyes.

'I don't deserve to feel this way.' Edward thought angrily. 'I deserve the pain.'

He found himself on the path before he realized he had moved, his legs angrily taking away from the peaceful lake. Edward's shoes kicked the gravel up as he walked, the noise stirring the peace of the woodsy area.

His feet stumbled as he walked path a bench, images flashing before his eyes.

"_If you want," she replied softly "I can get up and walk back to my car and you will never have to see me again. If that is what you want, tell me now, and save us both the hassle of getting hurt."_

_She had walked away from him and he had followed her, his heart aching at her absence._

"_Do you have any idea what you do to me?" he asked "Watching you walk away from me." He let out a growl then and reached his hand behind her head tangling it in her hair and pulling her into his lap._

"_I want you," he groaned in her ear._

"_I want you too," she replied breathily as she ground herself into his lap causing both of them to throw their heads back._

Edward was growling and panting by the time he got back to his car. The images burned through his thoughts and caused his heart to ache.

'Coming here was fucking stupid.' He chastised himself as he yanked his car door open, slamming it behind him as he placed his head against the steering wheel. Edward was thankful it was still early enough that the park wasn't full of kids, they didn't need to witness his breakdown; his demise.

Edward's phone buzzed in the seat next to him and he groaned in annoyance.

"GO AWAY!" He yelled into the empty car "Can't I have five fucking minutes to myself!"

Picking up his phone he growled into the phone "What?"

"Don't take that tone with me," Tanya bitched on the phone "You never came home last night."

"Do you have a point?" Edward snapped.

"My point is you never came home last night," Tanya's voice rose as she continued to talk "I'm not sure where you are or _who_ you are doing but you need to pull your pants up and get back home."

"You have no fucking idea what you are talking about." Edward growled into the phone "I've been driving around for most of the night."

"Sure, fine, whatever. Get home."

"Are you okay?" Edward asked suddenly concerned about the baby. "Is the baby okay?"

Tanya's giggle could be heard from the phone and he suddenly felt stupid for feeling so concerned. Of course she was okay; she wouldn't be calling him if she wasn't. Tanya was manipulating him again.

"What's going on?" Edward questioned trying to keep his tone calm.

"The interior decorator will be here in fifteen minutes to go over plans for the new nursery and you promised you would be here." Her voice was nasally and whiney making him cringe.

"I don't really think you need me for that." Edward muttered "Since you can't seem to include me in any of the other baby stuff."

"Edward," Tanya snapped "both of our mothers will be here in fifteen minutes and I swear to god if you aren't home when they get here there is going to be hell to pay!"

Edward thought of his mother with Tanya and him not being present. He started his car.

"I'm on my way."

"I knew you would see things my way." Tanya replied smugly. He hung up his phone and threw it in the backseat.

Looking at his face in his rear-view-mirror he rubbed his hands on his cheeks, trying to erase the tear stains. He threaded his hands through his hair and took a deep breath. Edward looked at the forced smile now present on his face and hoped he would make it through the afternoon.

**Special thanks to my super-awesome, very patient beta Ashley (meluvpirates)! **

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed, added to your alerts, or made this story a favorite! You all are amazing at ****motivating me! Next chapter is back to Bella! The sneak peek should be out tomorrow night so be looking for that!**


	18. The Trial

**The Trial**

**Alright this is long… since it contains both B and E's POV's! Please forgive me for mistakes... I won't have a beta for these next few chapters. **

**The Trial- BPOV  
Subtitle: Lie for me**

"_I'd go back again  
I touched your hand the day we met  
There's just some things you don't forget."  
Graham Colton- If Love Was Enough_

**-Present Day-**

"If you don't want to talk about the nightmares, maybe we should talk about the trial."

"Alright," Bella whispered hesitantly.

"Tell me what it was like seeing Edward again?" Dr. Parker questioned.

"It was desperate and heart-wrenching."

"Desperate?"

Bella sighed for a second, running her hand through her hair before leaning back in her chair. "I don't know if you truly understand how in love we were. It was desperate because my heart ached at the mere thought of him and his presence. Having him in front of me multiplied that ache by about a thousand. My fingers literally ached to touch him. My body trembled uncontrollably and it was difficult for me to breathe. In that moment I would have done _anything_, given _anything_ to be with him again."

**-Two Months Prior-**

"Don't take this the wrong way, but you look like crap." Rosalie stated brushing her long blonde hair over her shoulder and frowning softly.

"I'm fine." Bella spoke firmly her eyes scanning the room.

"I bet you are." Rose stated rolling her eyes "I'm asking as a friend not as your lawyer. Bella are you going to be able to handle seeing Edward in court?"

"I don't really have a choice, Rose." Bella whispered "Mike has officially subpoenaed him. He is going to be here and I am going to have to face him."

"I could talk to the judge; even lie if I had to. There has to be some way that I can get you out of this. You look like you haven't slept in months."

"I just haven't been feeling well lately, that's all. It's probably just stress getting to me." Bella replied casually shrugging her shoulders. "And don't lie to the judge Rose; I don't need you to get into trouble for me."

Rose shrugged her shoulders and rolled her eyes. "I still think Mike is doing this to get a reaction out of you and Edward, more so than to prove anything."

"I don't even bother trying to decipher Mike's motives anymore." Bella muttered.

"I can't believe you were married to him, he is such a jerk."

"Rose." Bella whispered.

"Right, sorry." Rose stated smiling before looking at her watch. "Ten minutes till go time!"

Bella found the nerves filling her stomach and making their way up her throat. A small squeak escaped her lips and she saw Rose look at her, clearly concerned. Bella bolted from her seat, barely making it to the restroom before she emptied the contents of her stomach.

Flushing the toilet she rinsed her face in the sink, looking at herself in the mirror. Her eyes met those of Rose's who clearly looked concerned.

"You've been puking an awful lot lately, Bella. I think you need to make a doctor's appointment. I don't think that this is just stress. Just promise me that you will do it for me?"

"Fine," Bella sighed resigned.

--

Bella stood in front of the court door her hands shaking. She took a deep breath to calm the butterflies still fluttering in her stomach. Slowly she pushed open the door and entered the court room. Her eyes met those of Rose, who was smiling softly in encouragement. It seemed to help calm her.

She made her way to her seat, ignoring the glares she was receiving from Mike. Trying to take her mind off the fact that she would be seeing Edward, Bella talked quietly with Rose.

Bella could feel his presence before she even saw him, her body stiffened and she had to fight back her knee-jerk reaction to run. She felt Rose gently place her hand on her shoulder and Bella took a deep breath.

"Unbelievable." Rose muttered disgustedly.

Confused Bella turned to look where Rose was glaring and found her breath leave her. Edward stood in the back of the court, eyes downcast. He had a woman on his arm, which Bella assumed was Tanya.

"I can't do this." Bella sobbed softly to Rose. "I don't care if you have to lie, get me _out_ of here." Bella could feel the revulsion rising in her throat and she had to choke back to keep herself from vomiting. How could he have brought _her_?

As if he heard her his eyes bolted upwards and met hers. Bella could feel her body trembling, feel herself gasping for breath. Tanya was tugging lightly on his arm, trying to get his attention but his eyes never left hers.

Bella was surprised to see the dark purple bags under his eyes, showing how truly tired he was. He looked thinner and she wondered if he had been eating. Her hands ached to run through his unruly hair, to graze along his face. Her fingers were throbbing.

Rose turned to look at Bella, brow furrowed as she spoke to her. Bella couldn't understand a word she was saying. She could see Edward mouthing something to her that she couldn't quite make out. Suddenly he was moving towards her, Tanya tugging on him to try and stop him, clearly angry.

He looked determined to talk to her and suddenly he was removing Tanya from his arm and making his way towards them stopping only when the guard stopped him. He looked defeated.

The judge entered and Edward sat a few rows back from her, a frown on his face, clearly upset that they didn't get to speak. Bella craned her neck around to look at him and she found him clearly staring back at her.

'I'm sorry.' He mouthed. He looked like he was going to cry.

"Bella!" Rose called causing Bella to jerk around to look at the front of the court room. Rose was up at the bench talking to the Judge and Mike's lawyer; all three of them watching the interaction.

"Request granted." The judge spoke and Rose smiled thanking him profusely. Rose approached the table looking between Bella and Edward.

"You are excused for the day." Rose whispered quietly so that only Bella could hear her. "I will walk you out and we will start when I return. If you want you can look at the transcripts or I can fill you in, either way you don't have to be here."

Rose gently grabbed Bella's hand and tugged her up, leading her through a side door in the front of the courtroom. Bella found herself turning around looking back her eyes meeting Edward's, who now stood, a look of agony on his face as he watched her leave.

"Bella," Rose called "come on, you need to get out of here."

Rose followed her line of sight and sighed softly. Bella could feel Rose tugging on her hand, trying to pull her away. She could see Tanya tugging on Edward who also stood frozen.

'I still love you.' Edward mouthed to her as the door shut behind her

Bella stood for a moment outside the courtroom. Rose had gone back inside, leaving Bella with instructions clearly telling her not to come back into the room. Bella found herself gasping in the clean air and forcing vomit down her throat. She wouldn't let Tanya get to her, taint her memories; no matter what Bella would always have those.

--

Bella and Rose sat in a booth at a local diner, neither saying a word. Bella found herself picking at the pie in front of her, nerves overwhelming her.

"Well," Rose sighed, her hands hitting the table causing Bella to jump lightly "I can see why you picked him."

"What?" Bella asked clearly confused.

"Edward," Rose stated "I can see why you picked him. Not only is he very attractive but he is very intelligent as well. I was concerned at first, especially seeing the way you two were looking at each other. Mike was hoping for some sort of scene and you two almost gave him one. There is a definite spark between you two. It was obvious to everyone and you two couldn't take your eyes off each other."

Rose's hands suddenly started to flutter through the air as she spoke emphatically. "But that's not what is important right this second I should be briefing you on what happened today." Rose pushed her empty pie plate away from her and smiled at Bella. "You were right, by the way. Edward had nothing but praises for your parenting skills. I believe the words ideal mother would sum it up. Every time he opened his mouth I saw Mike get just a bit angrier. It was perfect."

Rose looked at her for a moment contemplating something before continuing. "It's obvious he loves you."

"Yeah," Bella muttered angrily "he loves me so much he brought his wife to my trial."

"About that," Rose flinched slightly "Tanya had to take the stand as well."

"WHAT?" Bella growled.

"That was why she was there apparently. I honestly didn't know, if I had I would have warned you. Jessica wanted to try and portray you as a home wrecker; little did she know that they were still together and it backfired on her. I've never seen a lawyer look so flabbergasted, it was actually quite funny."

"It's not funny that Jessica is trying to portray me in a bad light," Bella grumbled.

"I know, I'm sorry," Rose stated. "But the look on her face was priceless." Rose suddenly looked nervous as she continued to speak. "You know I love you, right Bella?"

"You've only known me a month." Bella laughed.

"I know but you are kind of like a sister to me." Rose stated softly.

"I love you too, Rose. I don't know how I would be getting through all this without you. Why do you ask?"

Rose took a deep breath before reaching in her pocket and pulling out a few sheets of folded paper. Setting them on the table she looked up into Bella's eyes. "The reason I was late was because after we were excused Edward came up and talked to me, alone. He looks so lost and hopeless and he was crying and he begged me to give you this. I can't take girls crying let alone guys. He really is heartbroken, Bella."

When she didn't respond, Rose continued to speak.

"As your lawyer I would tell you not to read the letter, that you should break all contact for the sake of the trial. As your friend," Rose took a deep breath "I say you read it. I can see how much he loves you. He didn't even look at or touch Tanya the entire time. He just sat and stared at your empty chair looking like someone had kicked him in the gut. He may be having a baby with her, but he clearly wants you."

A gasp escaped Bella's lips and a few tears escaped her eyes. Rose put her hand on Bella's for a moment before sliding the note over in front of her.

"If you need me I will be right over there," Rose pointed to an empty stool at the bar.

Bella picked up the note and turned it around in her hands feeling the weight of the paper on her fingertips. Her hands shook as she unfolded it.

* * *

**The Trial- EPOV  
Subtitle: Last Hope**

"_Just one more time he says  
As he crawls into his hole  
I'm doing fine he says  
As the tears fall down alone."  
Guster-Cocoon  
_

Edward stood in front of the mirror, his hands shaking so bad he could barely button up his shirt. Cursing softly under his breath he pulled his hands away squeezing them tightly trying to release the built up tension.

"Dude, you look like you are going to blow a gasket." Jasper stated shaking his head in amusement.

"Shut up, this is important." Edward growled.

"I know," Jasper stated "you are going to see Bella again, after two months. It's a big thing I get it." Jasper moved in front of him buttoning up his shirt. "If you tell anyone I did this for you I will seriously deny it."

Edward found himself chuckling softly at his friend. His mind drifted to the last time he had seen Bella and he instantly winced. Jasper seemed to notice and shook his head sighing. He hoped he wasn't getting on his friends nerves.

Edward had been staying at Jasper's for the past two weeks after moving out of his house. He couldn't take the constant fighting and bickering with Tanya and had simply stormed out. Tanya refused to include him on anything having to do with the baby. Assuming there _was_ a baby.

After his conversation with his father, Edward was more than a little suspicious and as such had brought it to her attention. She had simply shrugged her shoulders and told him he was paranoid. It wasn't a good enough answer.

"Go get her tiger." Jasper stated slapping him on the shoulder.

"It's not like that." Edward frowned.

"Right," Jasper rolled his eyes at his friend. Edward chose not to counter him.

--

Edward made his way up the steps of the courthouse, scanning the crowd looking for Bella. He was momentarily stunned when he saw Tanya leaning against a pillar waiting for him.

"What are you doing here?" Edward growled. "Go home, Tanya."

"I can't," she replied smugly "I got a nice little subpoena as well."

"How did you manage that? This is a closed session; if you're lying they won't let you in."

Tanya pulled the papers from behind her back waving them in front of his face. "They want me to discuss Bella's effect on our marriage."

Edward stood shocked for a moment before grabbing her arm and pulling her off to the side. "I know your game Tanya. I swear to god if you say anything that makes Bella look bad you will regret it. What do you want?"

"You." Tanya replied "Move back home."

"I'm not sharing a bed with someone who refuses to be open and honest with me."

"I never said we had to share a bed," Tanya snapped, "I simply said you had to _move_ back _home._"

"FINE," Edward growled. "Manipulative bitch," he muttered under his breath so she couldn't hear.

"What?" Tanya asked.

"Nothing, dear." Edward responded sighing as Tanya linked her arm with his and tugging him through the courthouse. They entered the court room and Edward kept his eyes down. Seeing him here with Tanya would look good for Bella, but would it hurt her?

He heard her lawyer mutter something disgustedly and felt his heart drop into his stomach. This was a very bad idea; he was going to hurt her even more than he already had. Could he do anything right?

Edward fought every muscle in his body not to run over to Bella and grab her, kiss her, hold her. He cast his eyes downward avoiding the hurt he knew he would see when he looked at Bella.

Losing the battle, Edward raised his eyes to meet hers and suddenly his knees were weak. He couldn't feel, think, or see anything other than her. She was trembling softly and he wanted to walk over and hold her, reassure her that everything would be okay.

Bella looked worn out, as if she had been fighting a long battle and couldn't fight any longer. Edward found himself wanting to protect her, to make sure that she was safe. Her face was tense and he could read the distress in her eyes.

Her lawyer was talking to her but she wasn't acknowledging her. Edward found himself needing to talk to her to explain.

'I'm so sorry.' He mouthed, frowning when she looked confused.

He found himself tugging his arm away from Tanya, making his way towards her. He needed her to be okay, needed her to understand, he needed to feel her. The closer he got to her, the more his heart beat telling him that he was alive.

'God I have missed her, missed this.' Edward thought before he found someone standing in front of him.

"I'm sorry sir but you are going to have to take your seat."

He found himself wanting to cry, to protest, to push past the man. He knew it would only get him in trouble, only make Bella look bad. Setting down, his eyes never left hers. Edward was unaware of anything else going on in the court room; all he could see was her.

Bella craned her neck around to look at him and his heart was in his throat. He momentarily wondered if he was going to cry, but forced himself to once again mouth the words praying she would understand.

'I'm sorry.'

Her lawyer called her name then, breaking both of them out of their trance and then Bella was standing. Edward found himself standing as well. He could feel the eyes of everyone else on him as he watched her make her way past the Judges' desk to a small door at the side.

She was leaving, and panic took over. He would never get to see her again and he couldn't let her walk out, just walk away. He went to move but his body wouldn't let him. Edward's knees felt weak and he wondered what would happen if they gave out on him.

Would Bella even care if he was okay?

The thought seemed to spur him to action and he found himself staring back into her brown eyes. The concern was written on Bella's face and he wondered if she could see the turmoil that was overtaking him.

Needing her to know, to understand he did the only thing he could think of. Feeling Tanya tugging on his arm he ignored her and made sure she was still looking at him.

'I still love you.' Edward mouthed, his body shaking with sincerity. He watched the door shut behind her and felt his knees give out, flopping him onto the bench.

"Well that was a nice scene," Tanya scowled clearly upset.

"Just shut up," Edward whispered not even looking at her "just leave me alone."

Edward didn't have to wait very long to be called to the stand. He placed his hand on the bible, looking out at the few people who sat before him. His eyes met those of Mike's whose smile seemed a little too happy.

He was going to do his best to wipe that away.

--

"Tell us about your relationship with Isabella Newton." Jessica stated pacing back and forth in front of Edward.

"Bella and I were close, she was my best friend. We were together almost every day because our kids were the same age and liked to play together."

"You were just friends?" Jessica questioned a snide smile on her face.

"Is that pertinent?" Edward responded looking to the Judge.

"Answer the question." The Judge frowned at what Edward assumed he knew was the answer.

"Bella and I were more than friends." Edward sighed his hand running through his hair. "I loved her."

"So you were having an affair?"

"Yes."

"Were the children present?"

"Objection." Edward heard Bella's lawyer call out. "Whether or not the children saw Edward and Bella kissing or being affectionate has no pertinence to how Bella is as a mother. I'm sure Alice saw Bella kissing Mike. So we can assume this makes her a bad mother?"

"Agreed." The Judge ruled. "Restate the question Mrs. Stanley."

"Did you and Bella ever leave the children alone?"

"Never." Edward replied "Even when they were napping we were present." A sigh escaped his lips and he looked down. "Most of the times we met up were while the children were in the care of friends or family."

Jessica seemed to look annoyed and she looked back at Mike for a second before turning back to Edward.

"Did you ever see Mrs. Newton raise her hand to her child?"

"No" Edward stated "Bella raised Alice exceptionally well. She was a wonderful mother. Her child is respectful and I don't think I ever saw her get in trouble once in the time I knew them. Bella loves Alice more than anything in the world and it clearly shows."

Jessica suddenly looked angry and Edward decided a bit desperate.

"And you never had sexual intercourse while the children were present? Never fucked her while the children were in the house?"

Edward's mouth opened in shock but she continued on.

"Tell me what type of behavior you did display in front of the children, Mr. Cullen? Did you grope her, touch her, and kiss her?"

"OBJECTION." Rosalie shouted "Edward already answered the question on his relationship with Bella, Jessica is badgering the witness."

"Agreed." The Judge looked at Jessica. "Mrs. Stanley watch yourself!"

Jessica scowled at Rosalie for a moment. "No further questions."

Rosalie stood up looking at Edward for a moment.

"Do you have anything you would like to add to what you have said, Edward?"

Edward nodded looking up at Rose and frowning at the scowl she had on her face.

"Bella is a wonderful mother. The fact that it is even being questioned astonishes me. She loves Alice with all of her heart and to take Alice away from her would be a disservice not only to Bella but to Alice as well. Alice is her world, the light of her life, and Bella would do anything for her. I've seen Bella interact with Alice but also with my own child."

Edward looked up at Tanya who looked angrier and angrier by the minute.

"There is no question in my mind that this is an absurd case that is caused by a husband who is shamed by the fact that his wife had an affair with another man. Don't punish Bella and Alice because I fell in love with her, it wouldn't be fair to either of them. They need each other."

The court room was quiet.

"No further questions your honor." Rose spoke softly.

Edward made his way back to his seat. Tanya looked over at him a sneer on her face.

"Remember our deal." Edward muttered under his breath, his eyes boring into hers. "Don't lash out at me by hurting Bella, you will regret it."

He found his eyes settling where Bella was just sitting. She had left and he hadn't gotten to talk to her, touch her. His chest hurt.

--

Edward stood behind Bella's lawyer waiting for her to acknowledge him; finally she turned around and looked at him.

"I would ask you what the hell you were doing bringing your wife but I see you had no choice."

"Is Bella alright?" Edward asked softly.

"She will be fine," Rose responded. "Eventually." She muttered under her breath.

"I'm Edward by the way." Edward stated sticking his hand out to shake hers.

"I know who you are." Rose responded sighing as she looked at him "I'm Rosalie Hale."

"Rosalie," Edward's voice shook "please do me a favor and make sure to take care of her. She looks so tired, so helpless. She could use a friend like you to care for her even if she says she doesn't need it."

Rose looked up at him surprised and questioning.

"I really do love her." Edward whispered his voice cracking. "I love her more than I think you will ever realize." Tears began to fall down his face but Edward couldn't seem to force himself to care.

"My life means nothing if she isn't okay." Tears continued to fall and suddenly Edward felt desperate to see Bella, to talk to her.

"I need to see her, to talk to her." He begged.

"I don't think that is a good idea." Rose answered shrugging.

Edward looked around him for a moment his eyes landing on the legal pad on the desk.

"If I write her a letter will you give it to her?"

"Edward," Rose spoke trying to deny him. He felt like his knees might buckle and his body shook as he looked at Rose.

"Please," Edward begged softly "you're my last hope, my only hope. Please."

A sigh escaped Rose's lips as she held out a pen to him. "You have ten minutes."

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed, added to your alerts, or made this story a favorite! You guys are amazing! The Sneak Peek idea is a hit so I am going to continue sending those out, so be looking for them in your inbox! **

**Check on the thread for this story on Twilighted… Link is in my profile!**


	19. The Letter

**The Letter**

"_I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart  
Don't say this won't last forever  
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart  
Don't tell me that we will never be together  
We could be, over and over  
We could be, forever."  
It's Not Over- Secondhand Serenade._

_**I know I usually post every other day… but I just couldn't do that to you guys with this one! It's a bit shorter but it's because I am posting it early (and I am on call all week which seriously cuts down on my free time).**_

**Mood Music: Goodbye by Air Supply, Starts with Goodbye by Carrie Underwood, and It's Not Over by Secondhand Serenade**

When she didn't respond, Rose continued to speak.

"As your lawyer I would tell you not to read the letter, that you should break all contact for the sake of the trial. As your friend," Rose took a deep breath "I say you read it. I can see how much he loves you. He didn't even look at or touch Tanya the entire time. He just sat and stared at your empty chair looking like someone had kicked him in the gut. He may be having a baby with her, but he clearly wants you."

A gasp escaped Bella's lips and a few tears escaped her eyes. Rose put her hand on Bella's for a moment before sliding the note over in front of her.

"If you need me I will be right over there," Rose pointed to an empty stool at the bar.

Bella picked up the note and turned it around in her hands feeling the weight of the paper on her fingertips. Her hands shook as she unfolded it.

--

_My dearest Bella,_

_I hope that you're doing okay. I know that I'm not. Standing in front of you and not being able to touch you, to hold you, to tell you how much I love you was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. _

_I miss you._

_I want to be with you and hold you in my arms again, to gently touch your face and cup your cheek in my palm, to kiss your lips, and look into your beautiful brown eyes. You are my reason for waking in the morning, though it is difficult to part myself from my dreams. _

_When I dream, it's of you, and when I am awake my arms long to hold you. I dream, often, of the time we spent together. The way you seemed to make the world disappear, bring me peace. I keep thinking about that night, as we lay together in bed. The way your body curled into mine, it fit so perfectly._

_You are my missing piece. You have shown me the love and joy in my heart that I have been longing to feel for such a long time now. I don't wish for much, but the thing I wish for daily is that I wish you were here, beside me. _

_I want to be able to hold your hand in a restaurant and not be scared of who is seeing it. I want to lie next to you in bed and not have to worry about needing to be somewhere else. I want to romance you the way that I want to, the way that you deserve._

_I want to be able to give you my heart and I want your heart; all of it._

_I need you to understand, to see. The best thing about me is you._

_You make me feel safe, secure and loved. You've enchanted me with your very presence. I simply cannot imagine my life without your strength, compassion, and love. _

_I never thought that I could find someone who would love so passionately and freely, the way that you do. I had given up on love, settling to make others in my life happy. I was determined that the ideal love everyone talks about just didn't exist._

_I was wrong._

_I can finally understand the words "for eternity" because that is what I want with you, an eternity. I know now how utterly lost I would be without you, without your love. The question that truly remains, though, is where do we go from here?_

_Someone once told me that if you love someone you would be willing to give up everything for them, but if they loved you back they'd never ask you to. You've given me so much already, that I hate to ask for anything more._

_I can't stand the thought of you hurting and I can't continue to expect you to wait for me. I've asked Rosalie to keep an eye on you, to make sure that you are okay. It's the least I can do for all that you have done for me, for all you have brought in to my life._

_Please don't question yourself and wonder what it was that you did wrong, for the answer is clear as day._

_Nothing._

_I have a commitment and a promise to uphold, and even though I must do it with a heavy heart, it is still mine to uphold. _

_Know that I do this with the heaviest of heart, my dear Bella. Just the mere possibility or thought of never seeing you again makes me feel temporarily incapacitated._

_I will never forget you or forget the fact that it was you who taught me to love. If I were to die tomorrow then at least I would know the truth._

_In this life, I was loved by you._

_I'm so sorry._

_I will always be yours,_

_Edward_

--

Bella could feel the shock coursing through her system and it wasn't until Rose had her arms around her that she realized she was sobbing.

"What's wrong honey?" Rosalie whispered softly in her ear as she tenderly stroked her hair.

Bella threw the letter down on the table and buried her face in her hands.

"It was a goddamn goodbye letter!" Bella sobbed.

"WHAT?" Rosalie questioned her anger clearly present in her tone.

"He loves me but he can't be with me." Bella growled. "He wants me to be happy and he thinks that the best way for me to do that is to stop waiting around for him."

"But that doesn't make sense," Rosalie whispered "it was so obvious how in love he was with you, how much he longed to be with you. It just doesn't make any sense."

"You can read the letter," Bella muttered "It doesn't matter anymore." The tears were falling down her face and staining her blouse.

"It does matter, Bella." Rosalie whispered softly as she pulled Bella into a hug "it matters to me and it clearly matters to you whether you want it to or not. Something is fishy, and I don't mean the food."

Bella chuckled softly at her comment as she wiped the tear streaks from her face.

"That boy is completely in love with you, no matter what his actions tell you." Rosalie read through the letter for a moment her brows furrowing. "Bella did you read this, all of this."

"Yes," Bella growled.

"Bella, this is the most beautiful love letter I've ever read. He is so passionate about you, so enamored, so in love. Tanya's pregnancy is clearly the only thing keeping him from you. I don't know if I should tell you this or not but," Rosalie sighed as she spoke. "He was so worried about me making sure you were okay, that you were taken care of. I think if there was any possible way, he would be with you. Trust me on this, Bella. If there is anything I know well, its men."

* * *

"If I write her a letter will you give it to her?"

"Edward," Rose spoke trying to deny him. He felt like his knees might buckle and his body shook as he looked at Rose.

"Please," Edward begged softly "you're my last hope, my only hope. Please."

A sigh escaped Rose's lips as she held out a pen to him. "You have ten minutes."

Edward sat for a moment staring at the blank pages in front of him. Was he really going to do this? Could he? He could feel the tears filling his eyes and he brushed them away. The pen silently moved along the paper and he could feel Rosalie impatiently tapping her foot on the floor.

It unnerved him.

He read through the words, his heart aching at their truth, before gently folding the letter. His hands shook and he contemplated not giving it to her, just throwing it away.

It would change everything.

Edward handed Rosalie the letter, running his hand through his hair nervously.

"Please take care of her."

Rosalie seemed to look at him for a moment, her eyebrow raised in question.

"I will."

It was as if they had made a silent agreement then, to make sure that Bella was safe, cared for. Edward watched as Rosalie slid the letter into her purse and made her way out of the courtroom.

It was too late to back out now.

Instead of making his way through the double doors, he sat for a moment staring at the door that Bella had exited through. His heart felt like it was shattering inside of him, and it took him a moment to realize he was sobbing.

He did it for her, and she would never know, never understand, and never see.

The scene in front of the courthouse flashed behind his eyes when he closed them. The look of pure and utter victory on Tanya's face as she manipulated him made his stomach flip.

How could he have been so blind?

There was no baby. Tanya wasn't pregnant.

Why else would she have gone to such drastic measures to manipulate him? He knew the moment he saw her leaning against the pillar of the courthouse that he was doomed, that there was no way out. He couldn't let Bella suffer and lose her child because of a mistake that he had made.

Edward never should have trusted Tanya. He should have demanded from the start for proof of the pregnancy, but now it was too late. He had gotten them into this, and now he was getting them out of it.

Brushing the tears off of his face and composing himself, he pushed the ache deep down inside of him suppressing it. He stood up and made his way out of the room. Tanya stood outside the door, leaning against the wall a smug smile on her face.

"Are you ready to go home?"

Edward ran his hands through his hair, pushing back the guilt and hatred before nodding silently. He hid the disgust of what he had just done, instead focusing on the present.

He would remain numb, dead. It was the only way he could survive without her. The only way he could live on.

He had made a deal with Tanya and no matter how much he wanted to back out, to leave her he couldn't. Tanya had completed her part of the bargain and Bella would get to keep Alice. Bella's happiness was all that mattered now.

**You had to have some idea that was coming… right? Ducks and covers…  
This chapter is still 2 months in the past…. And you know Bella isn't with Edward in the present… keep that in mind!**

**A lot of you guessed correctly Tanya ISN'T pregnant! Kudos to you! **

**There is a forum on Twilighted… but now there is also a forum on this very site! If you go to my profile and click on My Forums I have posted a forum for people to chat over the story… come in and say hi! You might even get some surprising insights into the characters!**

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed, added to your alerts, or made this story a favorite! You guys are amazing and I love how you are getting into the story as much as I am! Sneak Peek should be out Wednesdayish (hopefully sooner)!**


	20. Realize

**Realize**

"_I tried so hard not to notice  
I tried so hard not to care  
I tried so hard not to know that you're not here  
And I am counting down the hours,  
And I'm counting up the days  
I tried so hard not to show this side of me."  
Meiko- Piano Song  
_

**Alright so this is another short one… but it is leading up to some really important events and for the next chapter to work I needed to cut it off where I did.**

**Mood Music: Claire de Lune by Debussy, Piano Song by Meiko, Find Your Way Back by Michelle Branch**

**Present Day-**

"Should we talk about the events leading up to you coming to see me?" Dr. Parker questioned as Bella made herself comfortable in "her" chair.

"It was all a big misunderstanding. I just needed to clear my head."

"How was it a misunderstanding? Explain to me what happened that day, what caused you to panic?"

"I felt like my world was falling apart. I just needed a bit of time to comprehend everything that had happened, everything that was happening. I was so lost and confused. I just needed to feel like I could breathe again."

"You had a panic attack."

"I'm not sure. Everything just seemed so dull, so lifeless, I felt like I wasn't really living anymore. I was just going through the motions of living and I needed something to shock me out of it."

"So you tried to shock yourself out of it."

"In a way, Yes."

**-One Month Prior-**

Bella could hear a dull pounding on the door like someone was trying to break in. Rubbing the back of her neck with frustration and stress she slowly picked herself up off the floor. Looking in the mirror she wiped the tears from her cheeks and tried to rub the tear stains off of her face.

Bella tried to ignore the tingling sensation that lingered in her legs as she slowly massaged her red eyes straining to clear her vision. Leaning on the counter she splashed cold water onto her face and slowly turned away from the sink.

"Bella," The voice called loudly through the door "I swear to god Bella if you don't open this door I will get someone to take it off."

She thought about how she was going to explain the thoughts that were currently racing through her mind. She wasn't even sure if she could voice them.

"I'll be right out." She called softly her voice cracking. Sitting in a dark bathroom, crying over the past wasn't going to help her. Taking a deep breath she leaned her head against the door, before slowly unlocking it.

"Oh thank god." Rosalie cried her hands running through her hair. "You scared the shit out of me. I thought I was going to have to call the fire department to take down the god damn door."

Bella couldn't help but notice the relieved expression on Rose's face and she instantly felt guilty.

"Are you okay?" Rosalie asked her voice filled with concern.

She felt her head nodding slowly and she knew she was lying, not only to Rose but to herself. Rose pulled her into a hug and the guilt intensified.

"I haven't been completely truthful with you Rose." Bella's voice shook as she ran her hand through her hair nervously.

"Okay." Rose stated questioningly. "I can get someone to watch Alice and we can talk?"

Bella knew she needed to talk to Rose, but first she needed to think.

"I think I'm going to go for a drive to clear my head first." She whispered. She could see the confusion on Rose's face and she instantly felt bad. "I promise I won't be too long. I just need to breathe."

"Are you sure you are okay? You don't look too good."

"I'm fine, Rose. I promise I will be back soon. I just need to think."

"Alright." Rose whispered in confusion. "If it's what you feel like you need."

Bella nodded her head softly, making her way to the living room and grabbing her coat, quietly telling Rose that she would be back shortly. The confusion on her face made her question if it was the right move. Ignoring her instincts she walked to the driveway and hopped into her car. The silence felt welcoming.

Bella found herself driving without really paying attention to where she was going. Everything around her looked familiar but she couldn't pin point her destination. The tears slid down her cheeks as she listened to the silence in the car.

She could picture Edward and she tried to shake the image from her mind. Her whole existence felt like it meant nothing without him. She was lost. She still had the letter he had given her, tucked away in her room, and she had looked at it more than she was willing to admit.

Her body began to heave for oxygen and she found herself slamming on the breaks. Pulling into a parking spot she looked around in front of her, suddenly realizing where she was. The park spanned out in front of her, teasing and taunting her.

Slowly, Bella made her way to the place she had been avoiding, knowing it was now inevitable.

--

Bella sat in the grass, her fingers running through the blades. Words flowed through her mind but nothing seemed adequate. How could she explain everything she was thinking, feeling?

Her world was changed. She replayed the phone call she had received over and over in her mind, finding no true way to express what she was feeling.

_Bella's phone rang incessantly next to her head and the sound was annoying her. Rolling over she grabbed the phone off of her nightstand flipping it open._

"_Yes." She growled into the phone, not appreciating getting woken up._

"_I'm calling for a Mrs. Isabella Swan." The person asked politely._

"_This is she." Bella replied indifferently._

"_Mrs. Swan, this Lauren from Dr. Smith's office. I was calling to give you the results of your tests last week. We ran your blood tests and well I guess congratulations are in order. You're going to have a baby!"_

Bella wasn't exactly sure what she had said or even if she was polite about it. She thought the words thank you may have passed her lips before she hung up the phone, but she wasn't sure.

She had set up a follow appointment that much she was aware of from the chicken scratch she found on a napkin on the counter.

She was going to have a baby. Edward's baby.

Tears streamed down her face as the realization dawned on her.

She knew the moment the words were spoken whose child it was, it wasn't even possible for it to be anyone else's. Bella knew she should have been overjoyed; it should have been something to celebrate. Instead it left a feeling of panic in her, one that she couldn't explain.

That panic had led her to the bathroom, and now to the very place where she had first realized she was in love with Edward.

Edward's words echoed in her head.

"_I know that I can't stop thinking about you and I'm not sure that I want to."_

Bella had known from that moment on that everything was going to be different, that everything would change and it had. She looked at her reflection in the pond, her eyes looked lifeless. She would need to take care of herself before she could take care of the baby.

Picking up her phone she dialed the number she had memorized just a few months ago.

"Rose," Bella whispered into the phone "I'm ready to talk now and I think I need your help."

**There is a forum on Twilighted… but now there is also a forum on this very site! If you go to my profile and click on My Forums I have posted a forum for people to chat over the story… come in and say hi! You might even get some surprising insights into the characters!**

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed, added to your alerts, or made this story a favorite! You guys are amazing and I love how you are getting into the story as much as I am! Sneak Peek should be out soon (possibly even tonight)!**


	21. Broken

**Broken**

"_Well you walk these lonely streets that people send, People send  
There are some wounds that just can't mend  
I do pretend  
I am free from all the things that take my friends  
But I will stand here till the end."  
Robert Pattinson-I was Broken_

**Mood Music: I was Broken- Robert Pattinson version, Fully Alive by Flyleaf (acoustic version), Learning to Breathe by Switchfoot**

Bella sat next to the pond, her fingers lightly tracing over the water and distorting her image. The picture seemed fitting to her, the slow and steady ripples working over the surface. It seemed to soothe her frayed nerves and put her at ease.

Rose was on her way and Bella knew that she would have to tell her what was going on. Tell her how she was feeling. For the first time in her life, Bella wasn't sure what she was going to say. She knew, from telling her about the affair, that Rose would understand and be supportive.

It didn't help the ache in her chest.

There was really only one person that Bella wanted to tell, one person she wanted to know. And that was impossible. It had been one month since she had received the letter from Edward, one month since she saw him in the courtroom. They had kept it to zero contact after that.

It would have been too hard, too imprudent to see him. Her heart was still broken from the letter.

How could you love and loathe someone so much at the same time?

Bella ran her hand through her hair in frustration. She knew that she should tell Edward the news. He was the father, after all, and he had a right to know. At the same point in time, he was probably busy planning for the birth of his and Tanya's child.

Could she really put this extra burden on his shoulders?

Bella was jolted out of her thoughts by the sight of Rose walking through the opening to the clearing, clearly annoyed. Her hands were running through her hair wiping off, what Bella imagined were, invisible spider webs.

"There is nothing in your hair Rose."

"So says you," Rose grumbled in annoyance. "You could have picked a better spot."

Bella rolled her eyes at Rose's high maintenance attitude before chuckling softly at her friend.

"Well at least it got a smile out of you, that's something I haven't seen for awhile."

Bella felt a blush flush her cheeks and she bowed her head down, once again looking at her reflection in the water. She could feel Rose move to sit next to her, could feel her hand as she placed it on her shoulder.

"Tell me." Rose whispered softly. "Please, you have been so closed off this last month. Tell me what's going on."

"I kept my promise to you and I went to see the doctor." Bella whispered her eyes moving to meet Rose's.

"You're not sick are you?" Rose asked softly her eyes scanning Bella's face before opening in shock. "Oh god, you're pregnant aren't you?"

Bella couldn't find the words to speak, to confirm what Rosalie was saying. Instead, she silently nodded looking to her friend for comfort and understanding.

"Is it Mike's?"

"God no," Bella cringed at the thought. "I haven't been with Mike in so long, so very long."

"Edward?" Rose questioned softly.

"Yes," Bella answered her voice wavering with emotion. "I'm having Edward's baby."

"Oh honey," Rose whispered and suddenly Bella was enveloped in her arms. "It will be okay. We will work though this together. Don't worry, everything will be okay."

Bella found the tears she had been holding back finally flowing down her face. She wiped them away, almost angrily. "I should be happy, Rose. I should be celebrating with the love of my life and I can't. He can't know. I've already done so many things wrong."

Rose looked at her in questioning before Bella heard her gasp. "You're not thinking of getting an abortion are you? Bella take it from me, you will regret it."

"It's not even a consideration for me. I can't get rid of this piece of him, this piece of us. I already love it too much. What do you mean, take it from me?"

Rose sighed in relief before brushing her hair off of her face. "I was raped when I was fifteen by my boyfriend," she looked down at the water as she spoke "and I got pregnant. I was so young, so stupid. I honestly thought that he loved me. My parents talked me into aborting it. I regret my decision every day. I would give anything, now, to have a family, to have someone to love me unconditionally."

"I never knew," Bella gasped.

"I don't like to talk about it, to relive it. It brings back so many memories, so much pain. This place is so peaceful; I can see why you love it."

Bella took her change in topic with a grain of salt, realizing that the topic was probably difficult for Rose to talk about. They sat together in silence, neither saying anything and neither needing to.

"You said you need my help?" Rose broke the silence.

"I do," Bella replied softly. "The moment I got that call my life changed, Rose. I can't keep living with friends, moving Alice place to place. I need to find a steady place, a home base. I need to a job with a steady income. Child support is helping with Alice but I just don't think it's enough. Most importantly I need to get me well again."

Rose nodded in encouragement as Bella continued to talk.

"I had a bit of a freak out earlier, I'm not going to downplay it or lie about it. I think I need to talk to someone, to work on getting myself well."

"You mean like a psychologist?" Rose questioned.

"Yes."

"I know just the one." Rose spoke softly as she pulled out her cell phone and flipped through the numbers. "I've heard some really great things about him from my clients." Rose looked up at her for a moment, her eyes glistening with some emotion Bella couldn't read.

"You're doing the right thing." Rose spoke softly. "You need to take care of you to take care of the baby."

"I know," Bella sighed. "I just need to be able to sleep through the night again."

"You're not sleeping?" Rose suddenly sounded angry and Bella instantly regretted the words that left her mouth.

"Not completely through the night."

"Bella you should have come to me sooner! How long has this been going on for?"

"Since that night in the hotel room," Bella whispered.

"Bella, that was three months ago!"

Bella winced slightly at the tone in her voice. "I know. It's not like I am not getting any sleep at all I just have been having nightmares."

"Well the pregnancy could have something to do with that, but I'm sure the stress of everything that is going on isn't helping. Talking to a psychologist will really help you learn to deal with that."

"I really hope so." Bella whispered.

--

Bella sat in the waiting room, her hands nervously twirling the strings from her sweatshirt in her hand. She had flipped through the magazines quickly, unable to focus enough to read the articles. Rose had offered to come with her, to help ease the nerves but she had declined.

This was something she was going to have to do alone.

Her stomach continued to do somersaults and Bella was thankful that she had placed some crackers in her purse. Pulling them out she nibbled on them as she looked around at everyone else sitting in the waiting room.

It seemed like a normal doctor's office, but she had never really been one for going to see the doctor. Not that it had prevented her from having to go quite frequently. She was anything but graceful as a child that was for certain.

Bella's fingers began to tap nervously on her legs and she noticed a young child looking at her and smiling. The thoughts led her to wonder what her and Edward's child would look like. Would it have his eyes? Have his hair? His face? Would it have her hair? Her nose?

The thoughts seemed to calm her nerves and she found herself relaxing into the seat. She was doing this for Alice and for her unborn child. While she had never seen a psychiatrist before, she knew that there were no strange tests to be nervous about.

Bella was startled from her thoughts by the calling of her name and she looked up at the mousy nurse, suddenly feeling nervous once again.

"Isabella Swan."

She rose from her seat making her way through the small hallway and into a fully furnished room. Bella looked around at the plaques on the wall and the books lining the shelf. There was a plush chair located in front of a large mahogany desk.

Behind the desk sat an older male with curly white hair and a pair of rimmed glasses. He rose from his chair, straightening out his tie before walking around and extending his hand.

"Isabella Swan, my name is Dr. Parker. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you as well." Bella replied softly, her eyes scanning the room.

"From what I understand you were referred here by Dr. Smith and a friend of yours a Mrs. Hale?"

"That's correct." Bella answered hesitantly.

"Where are my manners," Dr. Parker pointed to the chair in front of his desk "please have a seat. Since this is our first meeting I thought we could just kind of talk over what you wanted to get out of our meetings and go over some general guidelines."

Bella took a seat in the chair her eyes still scanning the room nervously. Dr. Parker made his way around setting behind his desk and looking down at a file before looking back up at her.

"Is this your first time seeing a psychologist?" he questioned.

"Yes."

"I understand you are probably nervous then, but there is really no reason to be. Everything that is spoken in this room stays between you and I. I also want to make it clear that it is perfectly normal to talk to a psychologist. Everyone needs to talk to someone about their problems and who better than someone that truly wants to help you?"

Bella nodded, silently acknowledging what he was saying.

"I want you to understand that it is admirable that you are coming to talk to me about your problems. I also want to tell you that if you really give this a try it can be very beneficial to you. Now when Mrs. Hale made your appointment she stated that you were suffering from signs of severe stress and that you also recently ended a serious relationship."

"That's correct."

"I've also been told by Dr. Smith that congratulations are in order. You are expecting your second child?"

"Yes."

"Well I am sure that it can't be easy ending a relationship and finding out that you are pregnant all in such a short time. Did Dr. Smith explain to you the effects that stress has on your fetus?"

Bella nodded.

"Alright," Dr. Parker nodded "do you have any questions for me?"

"Not really any that I can think of." Bella answered. "I just want to get better, to feel better. For myself and for my children."

"I can promise you, Bella, that if you are open and honest with me and willing to work on it than you will get better."

"Can I ask you one more thing?" Dr. Parker questioned looking at her over his glasses as he looked at her file.

"Of course."

"Does the father know?"

"No." Bella whispered.

"Do you want him to?"

"I'm not quite sure yet." Bella answered shrugging softly. "I want him to know, to be there, but I don't want it to interfere with his life."

A small ding sounded and the doctor looked at her closely for a second before giving her a pleasant smile.

"Looks like our time is over Isabella. Until next time."

**There is a forum on Twilighted… but now there is also a forum on this very site! If you go to my profile and click on My Forums I have posted a forum for people to chat over the story… come in and say hi! You might even get some surprising insights into the characters!**

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed, added to your alerts, or made this story a favorite! You guys are amazing and I love how you are getting into the story as much as I am! Sneak Peek should be out soon (possibly even tonight)!**


	22. Without Hope

**Without Hope**

"_I'm a goddam sore loser  
I ain't too proud to stay  
But I'm still thinking 'bout you  
And I'm so lonesome without you  
And I can't get you out of my mind  
Oh mama don't leave me alone"  
Burn- Ray Lamontagne_

**Mood Music: Burn by Ray Lamontagne, If you Love Someone by Dizmas, and Dreaming with a Broken Heart by John Mayer.**

**-Present Day-**

Edward woke covered in sweat and panting slightly. Rolling over and looking at the clock on the nightstand he realized it was still really early. Groaning, he rolled back over and closed his eyes hoping to fall back asleep. Images of his dream flooded his mind and his heart raced as he thought about it.

It had been two months since he had seen her, two months since he had left her, since he had broken her heart. Sitting up, Edward ran his hand through his hair in frustration. He looked around the empty room before letting out a gentle sigh. The white walls were bare and there was little furniture to distract him.

"Home sweet home." He muttered softly under his breath in disgust.

The small two bedroom apartment wasn't what he was used to but he knew in time he would become accustom to it, he would have to. He listened for a moment to the small child monitor next to his bed, making sure that Emmett wasn't awake. Satisfied with the lack of sound, he leaned back resting his head against the headboard of his bed.

So much had changed in the past two months; his life was completely different now. It hadn't taken much for him to realize what an idiot he was, to realize what a huge mistake he had made. One week after the court case he got a hold of Jacob again.

And what a week it had been.

While he was living with Tanya, he wasn't really living at all. Frustrated with his lack of interest in her, or merely his lack of interest in anything other than the room he was staying in Tanya had kicked him out. Apparently there was a limit as to what she could put up with.

It was around this time that Edward found out that Tanya had been sleeping with a friend of hers from work. While normally Edward would have been concerned by the fact that Tanya had cheated on him, he couldn't even bother feigning an interest. She had apparently gotten over her fear of others opinions because the day he moved out, her new "friend" moved in.

While Edward spent most of his time in a nearly comatose state being taken care of by Jasper, Jacob began the legal proceedings. He was fed bits and pieces of news through a filter by Jacob. It seemed as if Tanya didn't really want the burden of taking care of Emmett and was giving him full custody.

It was the first time he had smiled in months and the first time he had felt hope.

The legal proceedings moved quickly and before he knew it he was signing the divorce papers. The moment he signed his name to the paper he tried to get a hold of Bella. He was more than a little shocked to find out that she had changed her phone number and he really had no other way of contacting her.

Beyond desperation he had also tried to contact her lawyer to no avail.

The hope had faded and he found himself once again slipping into an almost unlivable state. He woke in the morning and worked through his normal routine without little thought or care. If he hadn't had Jasper to help him care for Emmett and to get his lazy ass out of bed every morning, he wasn't sure he could have survived.

Things were changing, though. He could no longer rely on the hospitality of Jasper whom he felt he was taking advantage of. That and after two months of sulking and living a hobbit like existence in his room had shown him that he needed to act.

And act he had.

Not only had Edward obtained, using a nice little chunk of the divorce settlement (he would have to thank Jacob for that), a two bedroom apartment for himself and Emmett but also a job working at the local hospital.

Yes Dr. Edward Cullen was back to work, now in the cardiology department.

While getting a place of his own and getting back to work had certainly helped him move out of the funk that had overtaken his existence, the nights were still hard. It was during the nights, when Emmett was sleeping and there was little else for Edward to do, that he thought of _his_ Bella.

It was easy to imagine that she was as miserable as he was and while those thoughts bugged him to an extent that they kept him from falling asleep, they weren't what were haunting him.

No he was haunted by other images that his mind chose to taunt him with. He was constantly inundated with images of Bella with someone else, in love and happier than he had ever seen her. Her smiling face as she kissed another man.

While Edward knew that he had no claim on her, he had given that up with the letter, the thought of there even being a possibility of her being with someone else killed him. The ache in his heart grew daily and he knew that the only person, the only thing that could fill the void was her.

He could still picture the look on Jasper's face when he arrived, knocking on his door, the day of the trial to pick up his stuff. Jasper must have been able to sense immediately that something had gone wrong because without a word he pulled him into his apartment.

"_Edward are you okay?" Jasper asked concerned._

"_I'm fine." His voice sounded dull and lifeless and he knew it. There was nothing he could do, that he could say that would make things right. Why even bother making an effort?_

"_Edward you're scaring me." Jasper muttered, his eyes searching his friends for a moment as his forehead wrinkled._

"_I just came to pick up my things; Tanya is waiting outside in the car."_

"_Tanya? What the hell, Edward. I thought the whole point was to go get Bella back, to tell her how wrong you were. Screw Tanya, let her wait. You need to tell me what the hell is going on."_

"_Absolutely nothing is going on, Jasper. I've come to get my things and go home to my wife."_

"_That's bullshit and you know it Edward. You two haven't even been living together, let alone been on speaking terms. Something happened and for whatever reason you aren't telling me."_

_Edward's hand shook as he reached up and pushed his hair off of his forehead, avoiding looking into his best friends eyes, afraid he would break down._

"_Please Jasper; just let me get my things."_

_Jasper moved out of his way, standing next to the door. Edward could feel his eyes on him as he threw his things into a duffle bag using a bit more force than was needed. Throwing the bag over his shoulder, his eyes met those of Jasper's for the first time._

"_I get that you feel like you need to protect yourself, or whatever the fuck you are doing." Jasper whispered. "I know you better than you think; you pushed her away, didn't you?"_

_Edward stood for a moment before the words began tumbling from his lips. "You have no fucking idea what you are talking about Jasper. Maybe you should be more concerned about your life than mine. Did you ever think about that?" _

_Jasper's fists clenched tight and he shook his head for a moment before his eyes filled with sadness._

"_You've got your things so you can leave now, Edward."_

_Edward brushed past him, making it to the door before he felt his friends hand on his shoulder._

"_When everything falls apart," Jasper stated "when you have nothing left I will still be here. That's more than I can say for your wife waiting downstairs for you."_

_Edward had slammed the door behind him on his way out._

Jasper had been right, of course, and it was he who was truly there for Edward when he needed him most. Edward knew that he had hurt him by refusing to talk, by refusing to explain what was happening at the time but the wounds of what he had just done were so fresh.

Jasper had been the one to take care of him when he was unable to do it for himself. Not only did he make Edward eat but also made sure that Emmett was cared for. Edward knew that he would never really be able to pay him back for all he had done, for all the things that were unsaid.

It had taken him a few weeks before he was truly able to even speak normally. It took longer to talk of her but he eventually explained the situation to Jasper, going over every detail including the letter. Jasper had sat and listened intently before shaking his head.

"You sure fucked this one up."

"I_ know_." Edward answered honestly.

Jasper hadn't given up on the idea that Edward would win her back and his enthusiasm had only seemed to spur Edward into a deeper depression.

Edward had fucked up. Royally fucked up and he was going to have to learn to deal with it, learn to cope.

He could eventually live with himself. Couldn't he?

**If you haven't checked it out yet... I just posted a new one shot titled The Piano, it's a bit angsty and lemony but I kind of like it. **

**There is a forum on Twilighted… but now there is also a forum on this very site! If you go to my profile and click on My Forums I have posted a forum for people to chat over the story… come in and say hi! You might even get some surprising insights into the characters!**

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed, added to your alerts, or made this story a favorite! You guys are amazing and I love how you are getting into the story as much as I am! Sneak Peek should be out soon!**


	23. Fears

**Fears**

"_Forget what you came here for  
And you need to see the signs  
And you need to stop wasting time"  
Stray Dog- Robert Pattinson_

**Mood Music: Tears and Rain by James Blunt, Desperately by Michelle Branch, and Quiet by John Mayer**

_**Italics are Journal entries! **_**Still Present Day. Today is Robert Pattinson's birthday…. So Happy Birthday Rob! Shots all around ;)**

"Let's talk about your homework assignment that I gave you a few weeks ago. Have you still been filling out your Journal?"

"Yes." Bella answered pulling the notebook out of her purse and setting it on the table in front of them.

Dr. Parker looked down at the notebook and nodded before focusing his eyes on hers once again. "We are going to try something different today. Let me know at any time if you are uncomfortable with where this is going."

"Alright," Bella responded softly.

"I want you to read the entry out loud."

"WHAT?" Bella cried, her face burning red.

"It's no different than having me read the item; I'm just hearing it from you instead of reading it. It will help to make you more aware of your feelings and thoughts."

Bella hesitated for a moment looking up at him in surprise.

"It will be beneficial for you. I need you to at least try."

Nodding her head, Bella opened the notebook flipping through the earlier entries before starting on the most recent.

"_I've been so sick with this pregnancy, so much more so than I was when I was pregnant with Alice. It just makes things so much harder. I'm trying to work on the relaxation techniques that Dr. Parker gave me to help relieve the stress I am under. Being pregnant definitely doesn't help with that."_

"Alright, let's stop for a second." Dr. Parker leaned back in his chair and grabbed his notepad jotting something down. "This entry is very clear, Bella. Do you realize what you are unconsciously saying here?"

Bella scrunched her brow looking at the words in front of her and sighing. "That I am still stressed out?"

"Yes but more specifically a cause of that stress. Being pregnant puts stress on your body, Isabella, it's only natural. But you are letting this stress get to you, work away at you, and it is draining your body. Using the relaxation techniques is a good idea but I would recommend that you do them more often. Stress can be very hard on your body and therefore very hard on the baby, keep that in mind."

He motioned for her to continue reading and Bella flipped the page, choosing a different entry.

Her voice broke as she read the words on the page.

"_I haven't told anyone but Rose, Angela, and the doctors about my pregnancy. I'm just not ready to explain the affair, to have other people look at me so differently. I know I shouldn't care what other people think and the fact that I worry about it makes me feel foolish. I hate myself for feeling ashamed, I feel so weak."_

Dr. Parker cleared his throat and Bella looked up from the paper, her eyes meeting his.

"I want you to repeat that last line for me one more time please."

"I hate myself for feeling ashamed, I feel so weak." Bella's voice broke as she read through the words, her eyes tearing with emotion.

"Tell me Isabella," Dr. Parker questioned softly "If it is truly others opinions you are afraid of or rather that you will have to face your mistakes?"

Bella looked at Dr. Parker, not moving or speaking. He smiled softly at her as he continued to speak.

"Admitting the mistakes you made means truly taking responsibility for your actions and taking responsibility for your involvement. In admitting those mistakes to others you would have to admit them to yourself as well. In a way it would mean that you had truly lost something that was _precious_ to you."

Nodding quietly Bella looked down, her hands shaking as she processed his words.

"I know this is a bit brutal Isabella. I am not trying to be mean. Only by really truly listening to yourself will you begin to understand why you are so stressed, why you are having panic attacks. I may be a doctor, but only you hold the key to answering those questions. Continue reading please."

"_Rosalie got a letter from a Jasper Whitlock who said he was best friends with Edward. He said he desperately needed to talk to her about finding me. When she showed me the brief letter I thought my heart was going to stop. I had been avoiding the inevitability of Edward coming up, of running into him, of having to see him again. Having it thrust so abruptly into my face caused me to panic. For the first time in awhile, I feel hollow again."_

Bella looked up at Dr. Parker who stared at her questioningly for a moment. "Tell me Isabella, what do you interpret this to mean?"

"That instead of dealing with my emotions, dealing with the end of the relationship, I have been avoiding it. In a way I have been putting all my thoughts and feelings about the relationship on the back shelf and ignoring it. Only when it was thrust into my face did I realize the pain I was still carrying?"

"I think that may be true but I think there is more to it than that. If everything you have told me is true you and Edward shared a unique bond. When you two met it was an instant connection an instant attraction. Using that attraction as a starting point you two formed a very serious and close relationship."

"It seems to me that you two came to each other both broken and tired of the life you were living. In a way you healed each other, helped mend each other. He brought out a part of you that you that you were fighting so hard to release. It's only natural for you to be sad that it ended."

He cleared his throat as he continued to speak.

"It's natural for you to be sad, but you stated that you felt hollow. That's unusual wording, especially for someone who is expecting a baby."

Bella found her eyes narrowing and suddenly her heart was racing. She was angry.

"How dare you insinuate that I am upset about being pregnant! How dare you sit there and judge me based on a moment of vulnerability."

Dr. Parker looked at her eyebrows raised before speaking to her calmly. "I never insinuated any such thing but it's very interesting indeed to see how you interpreted what I said. I was merely stating how unusual I thought the wording was not that I felt you were upset. On the contrary I think this baby means more to you than you are letting on, more than even you are willing to admit to yourself."

He took a sip of coffee looking up to see if she had calmed down before continuing.

"You said you felt vulnerable when you read the letter which is why I am assuming that you panicked. I know from what you have told me that your ex-husband Mike tried to take custody of Alice away from you on grounds that were unfathomable. You also have a fear of sharing this news with other people."

Bella nodded in agreement causing Dr. Parker to smile softly. "This is very interesting Bella. Do you not see how all these things are related?"

Bella shook her head, skimming through the words in the book in confusion.

Dr. Parker pointed to the notebook in her hands before speaking again. "Read the rest of that entry."

"_I've been going back and forth for over a month now on whether or not I should tell Edward and I just don't know what to do. Every time I think I have made a decision something happens or I think of him and suddenly feel confused once again."_

"What happens to make you second guess your decision? What makes you feel so confused that you question your judgment?" His eyes bore into hers, almost willing her to find the answer.

"I question what the outcome will be."

"What outcome would make you less confused? Why do you change your mind when you think of Edward?"

"Because I want him to be happy." Bella whispered.

"Why wouldn't he be happy that he is having a child? After all he loved you at one point, did he not?"

Bella could feel his eyes boring into her. Flustered by his questions she raised her head, looking at him in confusion.

"I don't know."

"You don't know why he wouldn't be happy or you don't know if he loved you?"

Bella could hear the timer ding and jumped out of her seat, grabbing her things.

Dr. Parker looked at her in surprise before clearing his throat. "I think we may need to go a few minutes over."

"Our time is up!" Bella stated running her hand through her hair and pulling slightly on the ends. "Your next patient is probably waiting."

"I'm willing to run a few minutes late." Dr. Parker looked at the chair, almost willing her to sit.

"I need to go." Bella spoke firmly.

"If you run from your problems they are only going to get larger."

"I will see you next week." Bella stated making her way to the door and bolting from the room.

**This chapter is VERY important! Not only does it clear up the question about why Edward and Jasper couldn't get information from Rose but it also goes into detail about Bella's thoughts/fears/feelings which are hugely important for upcoming chapters! If you don't understand what Bella is revealing in this chapter or if you are confused please PM me and ask.**

**Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile!**

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites! I'm home sick with the flu so I hope to have the sneak peek out tonight! **


	24. Concessions

**Concessions**

"_So come on and leave the years  
When you watched the days go by  
Come on and leave the fears  
That you were afraid to find  
'Cause while you wait inside  
The days go by"  
Days Go By- Lifehouse_

It's a long one folks… If you are still unsure about last chapter PM me!

**Mood Music: When I fall by Jonathan Cour, Let Me Sign by Robert Pattinson, and Bella's Lullaby by Carter Burwell**

"Dr. Cullen to the emergency room, Dr. Cullen to the emergency room." The shrill voice over the announcement system caused Edward to cringe.

He had been warned that there was a severe chest trauma coming in and he would most likely have to scrub up for surgery. Making his way to the closest elevator, he tapped his foot in impatience looking down at his beeper. The thing hadn't stopped going off since he had gotten there.

While normally Edward would have enjoyed the challenges that work brought him, he could feel in his entire body how truly tired he was.

It had been 18 hours since he had been home, 18 hours since he had seen Emmett. Edward contemplated that thought for a moment, suddenly questioning his job choice. Could he really justify such long periods of time away from Emmett? He wasn't sure. Working gave him less time to think, though, less time to ponder how his life was all wrong. That was a positive that he couldn't ignore.

"Edward?"

He heard the voice calling to him and found himself grumbling under his breath. It had been such a long night on call and all he really wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed. Edward turned around addressing the person calling to him.

"Make it quick, I'm exhausted." He muttered under his breath, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Through his blurry vision he was able to make out who was standing in front of him and his eyes widened.

"Well it's wonderful to see you are still so polite." Rose bit at him, her arms crossed on her chest and her eyes narrowed at him.

The elevator dinged signifying its arrival. Edward turned to look at her eyebrow raised, a million thoughts running through his head. The main thought that predominated was that he had a room full of people waiting for him downstairs.

"We need to talk." Edward muttered watching the elevator door close in front of him.

"I think you are right." Rose growled her hands tightening their hold on her arms. She looked pissed, really pissed. Edward's pager buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out looking at it, a scowl present on his face.

"I really need to get down to the ER we just had a severe trauma come in that needs heart surgery. Are you going to be around for awhile?"

"Nope." Rosalie stated shrugging her shoulders and biting back a smirk. "I was just on my way out. I was visiting a family friend."

"Can I call you?" Edward asked pushing the elevator button once again and running his hand through his hair frustrated. This was the chance he had been looking for, begging for and he couldn't let her leave without some way of contacting her.

"I think this is a conversation that would better be done face to face." Rose replied rolling her eyes.

"Coffee shop downstairs at say" Edward looked at his watch "noon tomorrow?"

Rose nodded curtly, pointedly looking at the elevator as it dinged once again. Edward stepped into the empty lift, looking at Rose for a moment in concern.

"Is Bella alright?" Edward asked holding the door open with his hand.

"Depends on your definition of alright." Rose hastily answered before turning and leaving him standing shocked.

After a moment he moved his hand, allowing the doors to close. Leaning his head against the wall he replayed what Rose had just said to him and all the meanings it could have behind it. The lack of sleep and the confusion only seemed to swirl around in his head.

The annoying ding sounded again and Edward made his way off the elevator and quickly down the hall, pushing the trauma doors open and pulling on his gloves.

A petite woman lay on the table, her face badly bruised and disfigured from the accident. Her legs were mangled and it was clear that she would never walk again. Edward took a deep breath digesting the scene for a moment, his heart hurt and he wasn't sure why.

This wasn't the first time he had seen someone in this condition but the image struck with him as he looked at the blood all over the poor woman's body. His eyes scanned her once again, latching onto the brown hair that hung limply by her head.

Edward clenched his eyes shut, shaking his head softly. He suddenly felt sick.

"What's the patient's name?" Edward asked the nurse closest to him.

"Elizabeth." The nurse replied looking at him quizzically.

He opened his eyes letting out the breath he was holding and chiding himself on letting himself get worked up. For a moment there he had thought…

Edward shook his head once again. He couldn't even bear to think of it.

After conversing with two other doctors to arrange the order of her surgeries, Edward made his way up to the O.R. quickly changing and then scrubbing up.

"Are you okay?"

Edward looked at the doctor next to him, drawing a blank on the guys' name. He seemed rather pleasant the few times Edward had been assigned to work with him.

"Yeah, just the end of a long shift," Edward replied shrugging "I'm just kind of tired."

The doctor nodded in understanding, pushing the surgery doors open. Edward followed him in.

--

Edward sat, his head resting against a locker, staring at the white wall in front of him. Everything around him looked blurry, fuzzy, and faded. His eyes burned and he knew if he didn't get some sleep soon that he would be regretting it.

Rubbing his hands over his tired eyes he moved them up tugging on the ends of his hair, bringing tears to his eyes. His mind replayed what had happened in the O.R. over and over. He analyzed it each time trying to figure out if he could have changed something, if there was something he could have done. Elizabeth had gone into cardiac arrest and her injuries were too great for them to continue.

She died on the operating table.

Squinting at his watch, trying to tell the time, he sighed frustrated that the numbers were blurred together. Turning his head he looked at the large clock on the wall. He had been up for over 30 hours; he definitely needed to get some sleep.

Trudging through the physicians room Edward made his way back to the on call rooms, closing one of the doors and flopping down on the bed. Pulling out his cell phone, he texted Jasper.

"Too tired to drive, crashing here. Thanks for taking care of Em, be home ASAP."

Setting the alarm clock on his phone to wake him in time to meet Rose, Edward rolled over bunching the pillow beneath his head. His body ached from the stress of the day and yet his mind seemed to be completely awake replaying every moment over and over.

He stared at the fuzzy expanse of white ceiling above him, willing his mind to quiet and willing himself to sleep.

--

_Edward was in the hallway, running towards the trauma room. His heart was pounding in his ears and his breath was coming out in pants._

_Pushing open the trauma doors he looked at the petite woman lying on the cot. Her face was mangled and bloody, her brown hair streaked with blood._

"_Call down to the bank, we're going to need a few pints." Someone called._

_His eyes focused on the face of the woman on the table, his breath coming in pants. His world seemed to swirl around him and he felt someone put a hand on his shoulder._

"_Edward, are you alright?" _

_He clenched his eyes tight, willing the images away, willing his mind to clear its sleep induced haze._

"_Edward?"_

_Carlisle stood in front of him concern on his face as he looked at his son._

"_What is her name?" Edward asked looking at the mangled young girl in front of him._

"_Isabella." His father answered brow scrunched in concern._

"_I-Isa-Bella?" Edward's voice stuttered the words out._

_His father looked at him knowingly, a small smirk on his face. "Yes, son, Isabella."_

_The room seemed to spin around him and Edward found himself on his knees his father looking down at him as he spoke._

"_Such a pretty girl, too bad you fucked everything up. Look at how broken she is."_

_Edward found himself on his feet standing next to the bed. Other doctors and nurses made their way around him, hustling to help his Bella, to save her._

_He looked down at the battered face her nose crooked and swollen, her cheeks covered in tiny gashes from the glass. Her eyelids were so swollen that they stuck out from her face, making her look inhuman._

_Edward found himself willing her to open her eyes, to look at him so he would realize they were wrong, that this was all just a coincidence. _

"_Why couldn't you save me?" she asked, her eyes opening and looking at him. The brown was mudded by the blood in them. "You couldn't save me."_

Edward woke to the ring of his cell phone, his breaths coming out in pants and his body covered in a thick sheen of sweat. His head was spinning and he sat up immediately looking for a trashcan to throw up in.

Grabbing the basket he buried his head in it for a moment, letting the contents of his stomach loose. The mangled image of Bella was burned in his retinas and he physically scrubbed at his eyes with his hands trying to erase the image.

He looked around, shaking his head and crawling out of bed. His body ached with the stress of the past hours and the lack of proper sleep. His muscles screamed at him as he moved, stretching them stiffly and groaning at the tension. He was definitely going to need a shower, a very hot shower, before he met up with Rosalie.

--

Edward sat on a stool by the coffee shop. His shower had helped with his nerves, but only a little bit. Tapping his hand on the empty table, he sipped his latte checking his watch what seemed like every two minutes.

"I'm here, you can stop being frustratingly annoying." Rose plopped down on the stool in front of him, setting her drink down and brushing her hair back from her face. "You look like shit."

"Is Bella the friend you were visiting in the hospital?" Edward asked his voice filled with concern.

"Not that it is any of your business," Rose snapped "but no."

Rosalie looked around for a minute, before throwing her bag onto the table and speaking so incredibly fast that Edward had a hard time keeping up.

"I'm going to tell you something and you are going to listen and I mean truly listen. So close your mouth and shut up." She looked up at him for a moment to make sure he was acknowledging her request before continuing to talk.

"I thought we had an agreement, I thought I could trust you and that you would do what is best for her. If I would have known that it was a goodbye letter I never and I mean never in a million years would have allowed it to be passed. She was just starting to do better and your little antics set her in a nice tailspin. You fucked up, plain and simple."

Edward opened his mouth to speak but stopped when she shot him a dirty look.

"I thought I was doing the right thing, I thought that you loved her and I knew how hard it was for her to see you that day. I figured what could it hurt, right? Well I made a mistake and I'm here because I am rectifying this shit right now. Bella is my best friend and I will do anything and I mean anything to make sure that she is alright, to make sure that she is happy."

Rosalie continued to dig in her purse then, taking her eyes off of him. Pulling out an envelope she threw it down on the table and looked up at him.

"What is that?" Edward asked.

Rosalie growled at him for a moment before slapping her hand on the table.

"Listen here, and listen good. I am not happy about what I am about to do but I feel it needs to be done so just shut the fuck up and listen. I wasn't here visiting a family friend I was here looking for you. I knew you were here because Jasper told me."

Edward took a minute to digest the information suddenly feeling angry.

"You know Jasper and he didn't tell me? I've been trying to find you to find a way to get a hold of Bella."

Rosalie snorted, actually snorted.

"Yeah you tried really hard. Calling her old phone number and calling my office leaving me a message. Big efforts there buddy. Did you honestly think I would return your calls after all you've done? As for knowing Jasper, we go way back, I was his lawyer when he was opening his new business and we kept in touch."

"That doesn't explain what's in the envelope."

"It's a letter."

"From Bella?!" Edward asked reaching for the envelope and ripping the contents out.

"No, from Jasper. He called me being all emo and shit begging me to hear out your story. I told him it didn't deserve my time and he begged. After explaining everything to me I agreed to come here and see you for myself. I guess he was right about you looking like shit."

Rose smirked for a moment before continuing.

"He told me what has been going on these past few months. He told me how he had to take care of you and Emmett and how you weren't functioning properly." Her eyebrow rose as she sipped her drink. "Bella isn't functioning properly either. While it pains me to admit it you two obviously love each other and apparently need each other."

"Jasper wrote a letter out for me to show to Bella, basically begging me to get a hold of him about you. I showed it to Bella and she had a panic attack. I told Jasper I was out at that very moment. I'm not going to hurt her, to make her worse than she already is. I refuse to be a part of that."

Rose's face softened then and she rested her forehead on her hand.

"The fact of the matter is no matter what I say or do she is getting worse without any help from Jasper or I. You make her happy, alive, whole. That is something that isn't easily replaceable. Before I continue I have one thing I need to say."

"If you have no intention of following this through then leave right now. I'm serious. I can promise you right now that if you screw her over again, if you hurt her, you are going to have to deal with me. While I may not look intimidating I can make you hurt a hundred different ways. I'm not someone you want to fuck with, especially when I am angry."

"I can believe that," Edward whispered afraid to speak, afraid for her to leave. "I'm in, I'm all in I promise."

Rose studied him for a moment, looking into his eyes. After a moment she nodded, suddenly looking very tired.

"I believe you. She goes to the lake in the park once a week, I can't say when as it changes based on her mood; If you really want to find her, than you know what you need to do."

Edward could feel his heart pounding in his chest, ringing in his ears. His Bella needed him, still loved him. He would go to the park and wait there forever if he had to.

"Thank you," Edward whispered his eyes stinging in relief.

"Don't make me regret it." Rose replied.

**Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile!**

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites! I work tonight, so the sneak peek will be out LATE tonight! **


	25. Sunset

**Sunset**

"_Believe  
That you're always on my mind  
Believe  
That you got here just in time"  
Believe- Quietdrive_

**Mood Music: Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven (I highly recommend you listen while you read.. song can be found on YouTube!)**

Alice sat in her seat, bouncing up and down as she chattered away. Looking out the window the young girl squealed and clapped her hands excitedly.

"We swing." Alice spoke pointing to the small swing set in her babysitter's front yard.

"Yes, sweetie, I'm sure that you will get to swing today."

"No," Alice stated in delight "WE swing."

Bella pulled into the driveway, stepping out before helping Alice unhook her car seat. Sue Clearwater stood at the door waiting for them.

"Hey Bella,"

"Hey Sue," Bella sighed "I know I said I was dropping her off in a few hours but I am just exhausted and need a small break."

Sue smiled in understanding, patting her on the shoulder as she replied "It's no problem at all."

Alice ran into the living room and Bella could hear the entering cords of Spongebob Squarepants on the television. Sue rolled her eyes causing Bella to chuckle softly.

"Emmett." Bella heard Alice scream in delight and she felt her heart shoot into her throat. Quickly making her way into the living room, Bella scanned the children her eyes stopping on her own. Emmett was sitting next to her, his hand in hers.

"Bella are you alright?" Sue asked concern lacing her voice. "You're white as a ghost."

Bella could feel the tears stinging at her eyes, could feel the tightening in her chest and knew that she was about to have a panic attack.

Giving her a forced smile, Bella nodded barely whispering. "I'm going to take off."

"Are you sure you are okay?" Sue asked. Bella nodded turning around and fleeing from the room.

She sat in her car, her air coming in short spurts as her chest tightened. Gasping she lay her head against the cool steering wheel. She could hear the words of Dr. Parker in her mind.

"_When you have a panic attack you need to relax your body, calm your senses that are in overload. Close your eyes and take slow and steady deep breaths. I know it may feel like you're not getting enough oxygen but if you breathe too much you will start hyperventilating and pass out._

_Your muscles are going to be tense and it is going to be hard for you, you are going to want to fight it. Don't, it will only make them worse. Try to relax them slowly, easing your body out of its tense state."_

Closing her eyes, Bella took slow, even breaths and then began the process of calming her body down.

--

"Where is Alice?" Rose asked plopping down on the couch next to her.

"I took her to Sue's for awhile. I'm just so exhausted and I wanted a few hours to myself before I had to go for therapy."

Rose nodded in understanding her eyes focusing on the television. "What are you watching anyways?" Rose asked grabbing the remote and turning the volume up. Snorting once she realized what it was. "Are you seriously watching Pride and Prejudice again?"

"It's a good movie."

"Yeah and no man can live up to it." Rose replied annoyed.

"Pick out a different movie, Rose." Her voice was monotone.

"Is everything okay?" Rose questioned. "You seem distracted."

"Emmett was at Sue's."

Rose hit the off button on the remote and turned on the couch, her knees touching her chin which she now rested upon them.

"Was Edward there?"

"No."

"Then what's the problem?" Rose questioned. "Crisis averted. You didn't run into the big bad ex so why do you look like you have seen a ghost?"

"It just brought back memories…" Bella's voice trailed off and she turned away from Rose her face red with embarrassment. "I had another panic attack."

Rose's face contorted into worry and Bella winced inwardly at the concern on her friends face.

"Can I ask you something, Bella, and you promise me you won't get mad?"

Taking her silence as a yes, Rose took a deep breath closing her eyes tightly as if afraid of her reaction.

"Why would something that made you so happy cause you to have panic attacks?" Rose peeked one eye open looking at her through the crack.

Bella found her mouth open in shock and she was stuttering for words.

"Are you sure," Rose stated "and remember I love you, but are you sure that these panic attacks are actually panic attacks? You were so hurt by everything that happened that it makes me wonder if it's your body's response to dealing with the pain. A way of shutting it down so you don't have to feel it."

"I've never really thought of it like that." Her face remained beet red and she could feel the heat radiating off of her cheeks.

"That's because I'm brilliant." Rose teased trying to break the tension in the room. It worked because Bella found herself chuckling slightly.

"Right, of course you are."

"See," Rose smirked "you admit it."

Bella rolled her eyes and leaned her head back against the couch a sigh escaping her lips.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Rose asked "If you think it will help I can listen to you blabber on about how gorgeous he was."

"He did have a nice ass." Bella stated a giggle escaping her lips as her hand shot up and covered her mouth. "I mean he was a really good guy, a great friend."

"Uh huh." Rose muttered. "Next you're going to tell me the sex was great."

"Amazing actually."

"And on that note," Rose grabbed the remote, her nose scrunched in distaste, and turned the television back on "I think I would rather watch Pride and Prejudice."

--

"Lovely to see you again, Bella," Dr. Parker called as she entered the room. "Hopefully this week will end on a bit of a better note." His eyebrow was raised as if in disapproval.

"Right," Bella sighed "sorry about that."

"It's not really me that you need to be apologizing to; in the end you only hurt yourself."

She nodded, not really knowing how to respond.

"Let's jump right in then." Dr. Parker murmured "Have you had any attacks this week?"

"One today."

"And what triggered it?"

"I took Alice to daycare and one of the boys there was the child of my former…" her voice trailed off. Bella wasn't sure what to call Edward, her former lover? Boyfriend? Companion? Nothing seemed right.

"And it triggered an attack?" he seemed to understand what she was trying to say and she was grateful not to have to continue that train of thought.

"Yes."

"And how did the techniques we worked on go? Did they help?"

"I was able to calm myself down fairly easily once I got my breathing under control. It probably took me ten minutes or so to be able to drive again."

"That's wonderful, Bella. That time will most likely improve the better you become at controlling your body's responses."

"How is living with Rose going for you?"

"I love it actually," Bella smiled then "It's nice having someone to confide in, to talk to. I know I can rely on her if I need help with something. It's also nice to have the company. The nights are the hardest and once Alice goes to bed I'm not really sure what to do with myself. It seems to ease the pain if she is there to distract me."

"Hmm" he hummed his brow knit in concern.

"Just this afternoon we sat and talked for awhile and joked around. It was great to be able to have a friend that I could be open with, that I could joke with, and that made me laugh."

"I'm really glad that you have that support system but you can't allow yourself to become dependent on it. Eventually you will have to find a place of your own, most likely after the baby comes."

"I know." Bella muttered.

"Do you?" he replied looking concerned again. She chose not to answer.

"Have you been to the park this week?" Dr. Parker asked trying to keep the conversation flowing. He had recommended she visit often as a type of immersion therapy. The more she went there the less it seemed daunting, tainted, and the more it felt like her little slice of peace.

"Not yet," Bella replied brushing her hair from her face "This week has just been crazy busy. I'm thinking about going later today though, since Alice is at Sue's."

"Good. No more panic attacks or episodes there?"

"None."

"That is great progress, Bella." His smile was genuine. "I feel like we are ignoring the pink elephant in the room." He set his notebook down and his hands relaxed onto his desk. "Shall we talk about what happened last week?"

"My appointment was over." Bella shrugged trying not to let his stare get to her.

"We were in the midst of a huge breakthrough, though. It would have been beneficial for you to stay longer and I had no problem with it."

"I'm sorry."

"Like I said," he shrugged his shoulders "in the end you are only hurting yourself. Henry Miller once stated something Bella and I want to share it with you, I think it could be very beneficial to you. He once said that _'Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind.'_ I want you to keep that in mind."

The small timer dinged and he smiled once again before pushing his glasses up on his nose. "We will talk about this more next week, but think about what I have said."

--

Bella made her way down the winding streets, the familiarity of the drive comforting her uneasy mind. She contemplated her day; seeing Emmett, her conversation with Rose, and finally her meeting with Dr. Parker. Her heart felt heavy and she couldn't help but acknowledge the fact that something was missing.

Pulling into her normal parking space Bella looked at the park in front of her. The battered slide and swing set that Alice used to ride on, the small gazebo where her and Edward had hidden from the rain, the battered paths that led into the woods; it all seemed so familiar.

The familiarity left a steady ache in her chest that truly reminded her of what she was missing, of who she was missing and yet she felt no panic.

The sun was slowly setting and the trees were outlined in an almost orange glow that seemed warming and comforting. Setting on the swings she rocked back and forth taking everything in, feeling every bittersweet emotion.

The sun continued to set and the park grew quieter, darker. It still seemed peaceful to her, though. Standing from the swing, Bella made her way down the quiet and familiar path towards her lake. The path was still worn, but now it brought her comfort instead of sadness.

Turning the corner the site in front of her caused her to stop and the breath to leave her. Shaking her head for a moment, her eyes wide, she stared.

Edward sat in the grass, the moonlight illuminating his features almost as much as the small lantern he had placed beside him. He was on a blanket, a single rose and basket of food next to him. Her heart stuttered at the picture. Her body was screaming to run towards him, to fling herself into his arms, to lose herself in him.

She took a steady breath, telling herself she wouldn't lose control. Then he turned and looked at her and he looked broken.

His tired and red eyes were rimmed with a deep purple that showed that he had been neglecting his sleep. His hair was twisted and tangled and sticking up in a way that signified he had been tugging incessantly on the ends. It was clear from the moment she looked into his eyes that he had been crying.

Upon seeing her he stood, arms open with palms up as if to signify he meant no harm.

Bella could feel a deep sigh escape her lips as she looked at him and then focused her gaze on her shaking hands. He moved towards her slowly, almost afraid she was going to bolt from him.

"Bella," he sighed.

She could feel the tears slowly falling down her face and suddenly he was in front of her. Her skin ached as he reached up and slowly wiped each tear away. Bella's eyes met his and she could feel herself slowly getting lost in them.

"I think we need to talk." He whispered.

**Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile! Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites! I'm looking for music recommendations so if you got one (or some) send em my way!**


	26. Reconciliation

**Reconciliation**

"_Who doesn't long for someone to hold  
__Who knows how to love you without being told  
__Somebody tell me why I'm on my own  
__If there's a soulmate for everyone"__  
Soulmate- Natasha Bedingfield_

**Mood Music: Soulmate by Natasha Bedingfield, 1,2,3,4 by Plain White T's, and If You Love Someone by Dizmas**

Edward had just about given up. After sitting in the park and stewing over everything that had happened, and he had plenty of time to stew, he couldn't comprehend how Bella would ever forgive him. Just as he had convinced himself it was useless, she showed up.

While he could tell that the time apart had stressed her and been hard on her body, she had never looked more beautiful to him. Rosalie had mentioned her panic attacks and fearing the worst he stood in a gesture of peace, hoping she would understand; he was there for forgiveness.

When the tears began to fall, his body instantly gravitated towards hers. It was his fault she was crying, his fault they were in this situation and he was going to fix it. His fingers moved of their own accord, wiping the cascading tears from her face and with each touch they burned.

He had never enjoyed pain more in his life.

Bella was so close to him and yet it felt like there was so much unspoken between them. His arms ached to reach out and pull her to him, his lips to kiss her. Instead he led her to the small blanket his hands trembling to touch her.

They sat together on the blanket, legs barely touching and their hands entwined. Edward noticed almost immediately how focused Bella was on the water, how she refused to make eye contact, taking that one simple pleasure from him.

"Bella," his voice was quiet and gravelly with emotion. "Please look at me Bella."

Her eyes rose to look at him, brimming over with emotion and with so much unspoken hurt.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I thought I was doing the right thing, I thought that it would make things easier. I hurt myself and in the process I also hurt you. I feel I need to explain my actions, to justify them in some way but I can truly and honestly say that I did it because I thought it was what was best for you."

Her hand shook in his and he found himself squeezing it tightly, holding on for dear life. He couldn't let her walk away, not now that he had a chance to explain, to make her his again. Her eyes narrowed at him and he knew he needed to continue, if he could only find the words.

"I need you to know, to understand, everything I have been through these past few months, the pains I put myself through thinking it was for the best. I'm so ignorant Bella and so selfish. I wrote you the letter thinking it would give you some kind of closure, a proper goodbye. The minute I handed that letter to Rose, you must know, I have never hated myself so much."

His voice wavered with emotion and he found his free hand yanking on his hair once again. She seemed to involuntarily cringe when he spoke of the letter and he found his mind replaying what he had written over and over. Edward thought he had been obvious; thought that it would be clear how much he needed her, how much he loved her. Maybe his letter was crueler than he thought?

"After the incident at the hotel I moved out of my house with Tanya, up until the trial I was living with Jasper. I came to the courthouse that day to find Tanya outside. It was at that moment I realized something that I should have realized before. She would have done anything, said anything to get her way. She was never pregnant it was all just a ploy. I've never felt so stupid in my life and I planned on leaving her."

Bella's brow knit in confusion and hurt was clearly evident on her face. This only seemed to worry him more. She hadn't spoken a word; letting him tell his side of the story, but what would she say when she realized why he acted the way he had? Would it make any difference that everything he did, every action he took, was for her and Alice?

"She manipulated me Bella by using our relationship against you. She was going to get Alice taken away from you. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't do that to you or to Alice. So I gave her what she wanted and moved back in with her, except it wasn't what she wanted at all. No amount of manipulating or screaming could make me love her, not the way I love you. Don't you understand, no matter how long we were apart my heart still belonged to you, it longed and ached to be with you."

Edward found tears rolling down his cheeks and he ignored them, focusing only on her. He knew he was sleep deprived, knew how haggard he looked but he didn't care. The words seemed to affect her just as strongly as tears were rolling down her cheeks and tumbling off her chin.

He moved his hand from his side up to her face, once again sweeping the tears away. If she still loved him, if he had any chance in hell to be with her again, than he would never make her cry again. He couldn't stand seeing her cry and he felt his broken heart tear just a bit more.

"It lasted a week before I was living with Jasper again. I was inconsolable. I thought I had lost you, knew that what we had could never be replaced. It got so bad that Jasper was caring for Emmett and for me as well. Jasper helped get me out of my funk."

"I'm divorced now and I live with Emmett in a tiny two bedroom apartment. I've also gotten a job at St. Mercy's working in cardiology. The fact of the matter is, Bella, I can't function without you and I can't live without you. Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life and I know I have messed everything up, ruined what we had. I'm here hoping and praying that you will give me a second chance, that you will let me make it up to you."

She sat, quietly digesting his words. He wasn't sure what she was thinking, what she was feeling and it made him nervous. Edward didn't know what he would do if he lost her, his heart shattered at just the thought.

"Please Bella say something," Edward whispered tears spilling over his eyelashes.

She moved closer, suddenly clinging to him, and her tears soaked his shirt. How could he ever cause someone whom he supposedly loved so much pain?

"I'm so sorry, Bella."

His arms wrapped around her trembling form and he buried his nose in her hair, breathing her in. "This is the first time, in a long time, that things just feel right."

"I know what you mean," she sighed, her voice gravelly and rough from the crying. Her breathing calmed and she pulled back from him, almost looking embarrassed.

"Everything is just so complicated and so messed up. I have so much I need to tell you, so much to share and I have no clue where to start. When you left it devastated me. I truly loved you with all of my soul and it was like a part of me was missing, was broken."

"I've been seeing a therapist to deal with panic attacks and stress. When you left me, both at the hotel and with the letter, I felt as if it was my fault somehow. Like I wasn't good enough or I had done something wrong. It caused me to question our relationship and everything that had happened between us."

The fact that she questioned their love shocked him to his core. He knew that she was seeing a therapist from talking with Rose, but he didn't know the specifics. Now that he did, Edward couldn't stand it and he was disgusted with himself. His eyes strayed to the water, afraid to see the truth of the words in her eyes.

"I promise you that was never my intention. I can truly say I was devastated, every moment I wanted to be by your side. The fact that you had to go see someone about feeling panicky and stressed, I feel so responsible. I can truly say I hate myself in this moment."

Her throat cleared and he found his eyes meeting hers once again. "Please don't. I've learned a lot of things through therapy and one of the main ones is that you need to take responsibility for your actions. I could have come after you, Edward, and I probably should have."

Bella looked nervous, almost to the point of making herself sick.

"I have something I need to tell you and I need you to understand that I haven't known for very long and I have been trying to work up the nerve to talk to you and tell you."

She cleared her throat nervously again, and suddenly her eyes diverted, concentrating on the moon above them.

"Edward, I'm pregnant."

--

Bella sat watching him carefully; afraid at any moment that he would get up and run away from her, realize that she wasn't worth it. His mouth moved slowly, as if trying to process and talk at the same time. She found herself giggling and he looked at her in shock.

"Sorry, just the look on your face." She found herself snorting.

"You're serious, right? You aren't messing with me?" Edward sounded confused and his hands yanked on his hair unconsciously.

"Why would I lie about something like that?" Bella questioned, angry at his accusation.

"Well it's pretty hard to take you seriously when you are laughing and snorting. I wanted to make sure you were serious before I got my hopes up."

He smiled then, truly smiled and it was one of the most beautiful things she had seen in quite awhile. She found his arms around her hugging her closely to him.

"We're having a baby," the words were a whisper and barely audible to her, but still she heard them. They sent a tingle up her spine and she looked him in the eyes, nodding softly.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket then and her brow furrowed in annoyance. "I have to go get Alice from the sitters she has been there most of the day."

Edward looked at her for a moment before getting up and pulling her up to her feet. "I'll walk you to your car."

The intensity in his eyes caused a shiver once again to flutter up her spine and she simply nodded, entwining her hand with his. They walked the trodden path, neither speaking. It wasn't a heavy silence but it was filled with so many implications that it made her head spin and her heart stutter.

The fact that he was touching her wasn't what was distracting her, but how innocently his hand brushed her that distracted her. It had been such a long time since she had felt anything even closely resembling a lover's touch. It made her heart sing.

Edward stopped in front of her car, a small smile on his face. Bella could feel his fingers playing with hers, could feel the tension tightening in her chest. He looked at her in confusion before realizing something was wrong.

Closing her eyes, she leaned her head back gasps coming from her mouth.

"Bella?" Edward sounded panicked. "Are you okay?"

"Just give me a minute" she gasped out, her hand clenching her chest as she tried to relax her muscles. After a moment she opened her eyes looking at him and smiling.

"That was the shortest panic attack I have ever had."

His brow was furrowed in worry and she found her hand reaching out and smoothing it out. "I'm alright, it was nothing compared to how they have been. Don't worry."

He nodded, but Bella could tell that the concern hadn't fully left him and she shrugged. "It's just my body's way of telling me that too much is going on."

"I think I need some time." She whispered softly. "I need to just process everything."

"I understand." His voice broke as he spoke and the hurt on his face made her inwardly wince. She didn't want to hurt him; she just needed to process everything, to calm down. He pulled her into him, hugging her tightly as if fighting to not let her go.

She couldn't stop herself and the next thing she knew their lips had met in a kiss, which he quickly deepened. Her breaths came in pants as her hands tangled in his unruly hair, tugging on it hard. He groaned and she found herself being pushed backwards, the frame of the car door digging into her back.

Bella pulled her head back, resting it against the car as he continued to kiss down her neck. After a moment he pulled away as well his breathing erratic and a small frown upon his face. They quietly looked at each other without saying a word.

"Sorry," She stated shrugging softly as she broke the silence.

"Trust me, I don't mind at all." He looked sheepish and she couldn't help the giggle that escaped her lips. "Can I get your phone number; you seem to have changed it."

Bella quickly wrote the number down, shoving the piece of envelope into his hands. "Goodnight," she whispered.

"Dream of me my love." Edward replied, making his way to his car.

Bella sat in the car, trying to ignore the tingling sensation that still lingered on her lips. Reaching up she slowly massaged her straining eyes. She was so tired and for the first time in a long time, she actually thought she might get a good night's sleep.

**I'm planning on trying to update Friday, but there will definitely NOT be an update on Sunday (as it is a holiday weekend) and I am going to be out of town! **

**An important thing to keep in mind… Bella had a panic attack by the car… **_**after**_** the air was clear between the two of them. E and B have talked and begun to reconcile but there are still issues and things that need to be addressed!**

**Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! I've begun to post alternate sneak peeks (different from the one emailed out) there for those who are chatting! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile! Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites!**


	27. Trust

**Trust**

"_Walking like a one man army  
Fightin' with the shadows in your head  
Livin' up the same old moment  
Knowin' you'd be better off instead  
If you could only  
Say what you need to say."  
Say- John Mayer_

**Mood Music: Say by John Mayer, You Found Me by Kelly Clarkson, and Realize by Colby Caillat.**

**So it's not supper long (it's been a busy week), but it's up earlier than I thought it would be!**

_The waves crashed into the sand and she sat and watched the sun slowly rise above the surf. The figure of a man appeared in the distance. He was carrying his shirt and shoes, the waves of water lapping at his feet and coating them in a thick layer of sand._

_His eyes glistened in the sun and the day old scruff on his face made his jaw more prominent. He literally took her breath away and she found herself openly staring at him. He walked along the water's edge, slowly moving closer to her._

_His eyes began to wander from the water's edge and seeing her he smiled. She smiled back softly, relishing the attention. His eyes gazed downwards and his smile changed into a frown. She felt panic rise up in her chest as he loomed ever closer. She looked down at her prominent belly and noticed his eyes focused on it as well._

"_It's yours you know?"_

_Edward made her way over to her, pulling her to her feet. He pulled her into his embrace and slowly leaned forward, his lips barely brushing hers._

"_What's mine?"_

"_The baby," Bella replied her hands resting gently on her stomach._

_He looked down at her belly, his eyes large and scared. "I don't want to have to be tied to you forever."_

Bella woke with a start, sweaty and irritated.

"So much for a good night's sleep." She muttered under her breath. Setting up, she ran her hands through her hair before pulling it up into a ponytail. Wiping the sweat from her brow, she hopped out of bed and walked quietly down the hall, checking on Alice.

She found herself setting in the kitchen, listening to the gentle tick of the clock on the wall. Her mind ran rampant with thoughts of her dream. She had told him, had explained the situation, and he had been happy about it. Hadn't he?

Shaking her head of the errant doubt, Bella sighed plopping her forehead onto her arm before groaning. Telling Edward had been the right thing to do and he had been _ecstatic_ over the news. Closing her eyes she could almost hear the way his voice had spoken so tenderly causing another shiver to run up her spine.

"What are you doing?" Rose questioned startling Bella out of her revere.

"Umm," Bella blushed furiously having been caught in her day dream. "Getting some food?"

"Good excuse there mama bear." Rose tapped her on the stomach lovingly as she passed her. "You were thinking about your little rendezvous with Edward in the park earlier."

"Speaking of rendezvous shouldn't you, oh I don't know, be making up for lost time instead of sitting in the kitchen at this ungodly hour while groaning into the granite?"

"It's not that simple, Rose."

"I know, but you can't hide the fact that you are happier. It's written all over your face."

"It's my motherly glow." Bella responded sarcastically, annoyed with Rose's questioning.

"No need to go all bitchy on me." Rose muttered pulling out eggs and looking over her shoulder. "I'm making us omelets and you are going to talk, whether you want to or not."

--

"So you had a nightmare?" Rose asked shoving a fork full of egg into her mouth with her eyebrow raised as if defying Bella to not answer the question.

"Something like that." Bella muttered. "I don't know if I would call it a nightmare per say."

"Well what would you like to call it?" Rose mumbled "You can't be in denial about these things, you need to face them head on or they will come back to hurt you."

"I'm aware, I just think that my brain is overanalyzing things and I am reading too much into things. What is it that they say? I am my own worst enemy?"

"So you had a dream about Edward?"

"Is it that obvious?" Bella mumbled. "It started out so great and then it just got horrible."

"What about it made it horrible?"

"He said he didn't want to be tied to me and the baby forever."

"But you know that isn't true." Rose stated. "Maybe it is your brains way of telling you not to jump right in, to just take things slow and to be careful."

"Maybe, it just freaked me out a little bit."

"I've talked to and seen the man, Bella. No matter what you think he is head over heels in love with you and I think he is probably more excited about the baby than you realize. Don't run from him this time, take things slow but let him be there for you. You both deserve it."

--

Edward sat at a bench in the park, lazily laying back and soaking in the sun. His head was thrown back and he wore a pair of black sunglasses over his eyes.

"There you are." Bella stated smiling softly at him.

"Here I am," Edward smiled softly hopping up and pulling her into a hug before pecking her on the cheek. "I have a surprise for you."

He pulled a small bag out from behind his back and held it in front of her shaking it in her face causing her to laugh. She reached up and snagged the bag out of his grasp, pulling the contents out her jaw open in shock.

"I couldn't sleep very well last night, I just kept thinking about everything we talked about. I wanted to get you something, to show you that no matter what I'm thinking about you and the baby. I know that it's silly but I feel I need to say it; I'm all in Bella."

Bella held the small stuffed turtle in her hands staring at the small baby toy. Wrapped around its neck was a small diamond necklace in the shape of a circle.

"The turtle is obviously for the baby but the necklace," he fingered it gingerly "is a circle of love necklace. It represents everlasting and unbroken love. It's an unbroken circle signifying eternity as there is no end. It represents my love for you."

Bella could feel the tears stinging at her eyes and instead of speaking she pulled him into a gentle hug, kissing his jaw before whispering softly "Thank you, you don't even begin to know what this means to me."

"I'd be honored if you wore it."

She nodded softly, tears falling down her face as he put it around her neck, gently kissing the nape of it as he pulled away. His hands found their way to her belly, gently caressing the small bump that was barely noticeable.

"I can't wait until you really start to show."

"I'm going to look huge." Bella muttered as her nose scrunched. "My ankles are already swelling."

His brow furrowed as he led her to the bench and sat her down, gently lifting her leg and looking at it.

"Bella," Edward questioned "how far along are you?"

"About three to four months." Bella replied rolling her eyes. "You didn't forget about the hotel room did you?" Bella muttered trying to be lighthearted, but she realized he was frowning.

"If you are only four months along your ankles shouldn't be swelling."

"My OBGYN said it was normal for swelling to occur."

"Yes," Edward replied "later in the pregnancy. Your ankles shouldn't be swelling this early." He suddenly went into doctor mode and began to spurt off questions faster than she could answer. "Have you been having any other problems? Have you been peeing a lot? Have you noticed any other changes in your body you couldn't explain? Do you feel yourself drinking more than what is normal for you?"

Bella looked at him in surprise before answering his questions. "Only the panic attacks, no more than usual, not really I get tired easily but that could be due to the pregnancy, maybe a bit but once again I am carrying a baby."

Edward looked at her concern still present on his face, before sighing. "I'm sorry I know I probably seem overbearing I just want to make sure you and the baby are alright, that you are taken care of."

"I'm sure it is nothing, I've been so stressed with everything and I have been moving around a lot more than I was previously. That probably explains the swelling and the rest can be attributed to the pregnancy. I'm sure it is nothing to worry about."

"Your panic attacks still worry me."

"I've been seeing a therapist Edward, I will be fine."

"I don't want you to be fine; I want you to be wonderful, magnificent, happy, perfect." He leaned down and kissed her belly through her shirt. "I want you to be able to live a normal life, I researched panic attacks Bella, and they are usually debilitating and long lasting. I'm not sure this is something that is just going to go away."

"I've been getting better, Edward. They have been happening less and less. Please don't make this out to be a bigger deal than it needs to be. Trust me and trust that I have things under control."

"I do trust you, and I trust your judgment. If you think you are getting better than I won't push the issue."

"Thank you," Bella replied leaning over and placing a gentle peck on his lips. "For loving me and trusting me, I love you."

The concern hadn't left his face but he smiled tightly and nodded kissing her in return. "Thank you for loving me and having my baby. I love you too."

**This is working up to something important (*cough cough*)… trust me on that! Like I previously said, I am going out of town for a few days… so there will def. be an update Monday or Tuesday when I get back!**

**In case you were curious as to why I chose a turtle: The symbolism behind turtles (as taken from Sacred Symbols and Their Meanings, viewed online, 2009): **The turtle represents order, creation, patience, strength, stability, longevity, innocence, endurance, and protection. The turtle is a symbol of good fortune, it is a positive omen and some say gifting a turtle will bring 10,000 years of happiness to both the giver and receiver.

**They are starting to be more open and honest with each other! That is a good thing right?! For those of you who asked; YES, there are still issues and things that need to be addressed!**

**Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile! Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites!**

**Have a lovely holiday weekend!**


	28. Home

**Home**

"_So here's to everything, coming down to nothing  
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core  
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute  
But I don't anymore"  
Forever and Always- Taylor Swift_

**Mood Music: Forever and Always by Taylor Swift and I'm Your Man by Michael Bubl****é**

**-Present Day: One Month Later-**

Edward sat at his desk, medical book open in front of him as he flipped through pages. His mind wasn't on the task at hand and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get Bella out of his thoughts. He knew that he had promised her that he would trust her, but she was getting worse instead of better. The thoughts of what was happening were prevalent, even when he wasn't thinking of them.

Talking to a colleague, Edward had mentioned her symptoms hoping for a second opinion. He had hoped that his colleague would laugh and tell him that he was reading into things, but that wasn't what happened at all. Instead he had been given a book on Medical Diagnosis and Treatment for Pregnancy with words of "tread carefully."

The problem was that swelling and shortness of breath were common for _all_ pregnancies. It didn't matter that Bella was only 5 months along, or that she had none of these symptoms with Alice. After all, every pregnancy was_ different_. Edward couldn't help but feel as if he was paranoid and constantly watching for something to happen.

This had put him on edge more than he was even aware. He knew that he was only concerned for Bella and for the baby, but that just made his awareness even greater. Finally, driving himself crazy with "what if's" Edward put the book in his bottom drawer, locked it, and gave the key to Jasper.

It had also led him to take another action, which he had been thinking about longer than he was willing to admit.

**-Two Weeks Prior-**

Edward's mother had once told him that a house was only a home, if it felt like one. He had always taken that to mean that it was comfortable, homey, lived in. He understood more now that she what she really meant; it contained those that you loved.

His apartment didn't feel like home.

He had spent nights sitting on the couch, contemplating the situation that he and Bella were in, that he had put them in. He knew that Bella was currently living with Rosalie and that the situation was rather cramped. Edward also knew that if he were to ask her to move in with him, his tiny two bedroom apartment would become even smaller.

And even then, it didn't mean she would say yes.

Edward felt like their relationship was in this stagnant standstill, all because of the things unsaid between them. He didn't want to waste any more time, didn't want to stress over what was and was not okay.

He called a realtor that day and set things in motion. He was buying a house.

It hadn't taken him long to find the perfect one, with enough bedrooms for all of them with room to spare. It was in a good neighborhood, close to a good daycare, and within distance of some of the best schools in the city. It was also the complete epitome of his childhood home, something he had yearned for with Emmett.

It was also way more than Bella would want him to spend.

Call it intuition, but Edward knew enough about her to know that she would put up a fight about this purchase, not seeing it as what it was. If the necklace hadn't made things clear enough, he was making his grand gesture.

He knew that it was too soon to get married; their divorces had barely settled and even he knew how tacky that would look in society. Not that it mattered to him. Instead this was his gesture of a future; they were having a baby together and it was time to combine their lives.

He hoped that Bella agreed.

Nervous, Edward had showed the house to Jasper who simply looked around, whistled, and raised his eyebrows.

"You sure are ready to jump right back on the commitment wagon."

"I love her."

"I would expect nothing less," Jasper stated laughing softly. "That much is obvious, it's just this house is huge."

"It gives some wiggle room."

"Wiggle room, interesting choice of words. Are you planning on knocking her up again? Or do you need the extra _three_ bedrooms for your parents?" Jasper snorted softly. "I get that you want Emmett, the baby, and I am assuming Alice to have the life you had growing up, but damn, do you really need all the extra bedrooms?"

"They don't have to be bedrooms, one can be turned into a playroom, another into an office, there are more uses for rooms than just sleeping in."

Jasper nodded looking around once more nodding his head at Edward's vision.

"I can see how having a home office as a cardiologist would be beneficial." His eyes rolled dramatically. "Shit how much are you making that you can afford this? Share the wealth, bro."

Edward chuckled softly shoving him lightly on the arm and rolling his eyes. "Glad I got your approval."

"Yeah, well, all you need is the miniature dog and the white picket fence and I would say you have it made."

"I'll keep that in mind." Edward muttered, smiling at his friend's sarcasm.

**-Present Day-**

He sat twirling the key ring around on his finger, mumbling words softly to himself practicing what he was going to say. Edward was more nervous than he thought he would be and he took a deep breath, checking the clock to see the time.

He had fifteen minutes.

Fifteen minutes to sit and stew with his thoughts, which was never a good thing. His mind wandered from Emmett, who was at Jasper's for the night, to Bella and their unborn baby. This led to thoughts of the book that now lie locked in his drawer at work.

He could always get the key from Jasper.

Edward tapped his fingers incessantly on the coffee table. Without much thought his mind began to make lists.

Bella's Symptoms:

_Panic attacks_

This led to a long slew of symptoms including shortness of breath and difficulty breathing, chest pains, prevalent and persistent fear. Symptoms typically last for several minutes. But the last time Bella had a panic attack around him it had lasted less than a minute.

_Swelling_

He was assuming leg swelling was due to the pregnancy, but it was so early in her term for it to be showing. The swelling could also be a sign of high blood pressure, especially since it was so noticeable.

_Irritability_

Definitely a symptom of the pregnancy.

_Trouble Sleeping_

Bella had thought that he had not noticed the fact that she was looking more tired and worn lately, but it hadn't passed his notice. While Edward knew that this was normal for pregnancies, it was not common in the second trimester.

--

Edward was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of a gentle knock on the door. Hopping up he let Bella in and led her to the couch.

"I thought we could order some food in and just sit and talk a bit." Edward rushed, nervously.

"That would be great," Bella replied plopping her feet up on the coffee table "I'm bushed."

Edward ordered the food quickly making his way back to the couch and setting next to her, brushing a stray hair from her face and pecking her softly on the lips.

"Hi."

"Hi." She whispered smiling softly.

"I have some news."

"Hit me with it." She leaned her head back against the couch, too tired to hold it up.

"I bought us a house."

"Wait," her head popped up, eyes wide open "repeat that."

"I bought us a house; I want us to move in together. It will happen eventually and I want to be there for the rest of your pregnancy. I want the whole experience; the foot massages, the food cravings, the irritability, the peeing constantly, I want it all Bella. I want to experience it all with you."

Her jaw was open in shock and Edward couldn't help the bit of hurt that he felt. "I'm living with Rosalie."

"I know it's kind of sudden but there is no need to look so excited." He placed the key he was carrying onto the coffee table, hopping up and making his way into the kitchen.

Busying himself with doing the few dishes that remained in the sink, he refused to look in the entryway behind him, knowing that she was standing there.

"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings," she whispered and he was surprised to find she was standing right behind him. Edward could feel the heat from her body and he sighed softly.

"I know and I knew that this would be a hard thing for you to accept but it was something I have wanted to happen since I found out about the pregnancy. I know that things are moving fast between us and that most likely makes you nervous," Edward turned around leaning against the sink and looked at her. "But I want to be there for every step, the good and the bad. I told you before Bella I am all in and it just makes me wonder if you aren't."

"Moving in together is just a huge step, Edward. I just need to process, to think."

"What is there to think about? I love you, I don't plan on leaving you ever, and you're having my baby. It just seems like the logical next step to me."

Edward stood silently for a moment watching the emotions flicker across her face. He couldn't remember the last time they had touched and actually meant it. The occasional brush of skin wasn't enough, he needed her.

It seemed that all they did anymore was fought. They fought about her health, about finding out the sex of the baby, and now this. The tension was escalating and it was going to explode.

"We can't keep ignoring the pink elephant in the room, Bella." Edward laid his head back against the cupboard, the sadness overtaking him as he hunched. "You don't trust me and you are questioning my motives. It's clear as day on your face."

He lay the washrag on the counter with a small sigh "I don't really know what else I can do to prove it to you, to show you how I feel. At some point you are going to have to take a leap of faith or give up on me and I don't know how long I can wait for you to decide. I can't do this hot and cold. You're hurting me too, Bella."

Edward moved to brush past her but she held her hand out, stopping him. Tears began to fall down her face and he found himself reaching up to wipe them away.

"I can't stand when you cry." He whispered softly.

She reached for his hand, placing a gentle kiss on the palm before using it to cup her face.

"Edward look at me." Her free hand reached out and lifted his head up, his eyes met hers.

She leaned in and kissed him, suddenly pressing him against the sink. Her hands tangled and tugged in his hair causing him to gasp. She took advantage of the moment to slip her tongue into his mouth and against his.

His arms wrapped around her pulling her into him and his body felt like it was on fire. Bella leaned back panting for breath and his hands found their way to her front, fondling her through her top. She moved her mouth, nipping at his neck, her teeth sinking in by his shoulder causing him to groan.

The door bell rang, interrupting and causing them to pull apart.

"This isn't over." Edward growled grabbing his wallet and making his way to the door to get the food.

"Promises, promises." Bella called. She entered the room carrying a couple of plates and bottles of water.

She set the plates on the coffee table, her eyes focusing in on the key that lay there. Edward looked down at the object, the lightheartedness suddenly feeling oppressing.

"Let's just eat." Edward muttered setting the food down.

"I will get there Edward, please don't give up on me." Bella whispered and their eyes met once again.

"I know and I'm trying."

**I feel like this chapter is a bit clunky, but it seemed like a good way to get some important information across. I'm sorry I didn't get a sneak peak out…I didn't get home until rather late last night and by that point emailing it out would have been pointless… I will make it up to you with an extra long sneak peek for the next chapter!**

**I have to say I am enjoying reading your theories and ideas… I will tell you that there are some MAJOR clues in this chapter!**

**Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile! Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites!**


	29. Compromise

**Compromise**

"_Driving away from the wreck of the day  
And the light's always red in the rear-view  
Desperately close to a coffin of hope  
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you."  
Anna Nalick- Wreck of the Day_

**Mood Music: Same Mistake by James Blunt, Wreck of the Day by Anna Nalick, and Desperately by Michelle Branch**

Bella sat in the coffee shop, a scowl present on her face.

"This is really cruel." Bella muttered angrily.

"I completely forgot you can't have caffeine and I'm sorry," Rose took a sip of her drink causing Bella to scowl at her. "What just because you can't have it doesn't mean I don't need it."

Bella spun her bottle of water between her hands as she looked around the room, taking in the atmosphere and thinking about what she was going to tell Rose. When Bella had arrived home earlier in the week in a pissy mood Rose had taken it upon herself to drag every bit of information out of her.

So far she hadn't been very successful.

"So," Rose prodded "how's your week been going?"

"It's been fine."

"Nice try, I've been patient, now spill." Her eyebrow rose as if challenging Bella to question her.

"Edward bought a house."

"He's a big boy; he can spend his money however he wants."

"Let me rephrase that," Bella glowered "Edward bought _us_ a house."

Rose's laughter echoed through the room and she was sure that a few people turned to look at them. Ducking her head she looked up at Rose through her hair. "I don't see why this is so funny."

"Do you know how many fucking women would kill to say their baby daddy made _the gesture_?"

"What?"

"The gesture," Rose sighed emphatically before plopping her cup down on the table. She cleared her throat as if to emphasize her point. "I love you and our spawn so much so that I am willing to put up with all your emotional fuckery, the food cravings, and girly stuff just to be around you."

"He was just doing it because he felt obligated to."

"Sweetie," Rose leaned forward and laid her hand on Bella's knee "no man would put up with that kind of shit because of an obligation. He didn't have to move in with you, he didn't have to make the gesture, but he did, and without any prodding from you. If that doesn't show you love, I don't know what does. Because honestly," Rose scrunched her nose "you have been an emotional nut-bag lately."

"Thanks," Bella sighed rolling her eyes. "I told him no."

"Of course you did."

"What do you mean by that?" Bella questioned angrily.

"I mean exactly what I say. Of course you told him no, you are far too scared and unsure of yourself or your relationship to tell him yes. I understand that you got hurt, but at what point do you let the past stay in the past and move on to the future?"

"I'm not sure I like what you are saying."

"I'm sure you don't, but I am saying it because I love you and it will only benefit you in the end. The truth isn't always pretty, but it does get the job done. Plus you can't expect to live at my place forever, especially once the baby is born. I only have two rooms and it feels crowded with the three of us. How will it feel when there are four of us there?"

Rose played with her cup top for a second before looking up at Bella softly. "I'm not kicking you out, or even telling you that you can't stay with me. I'm merely stating the fact that it was a huge step for Edward, one in the positive direction might I add, and you just dismissed it without seeing it for what it was. What will it take for him to gain your trust back?"

--

Bella sat in the simple chair, her hands twisting her hair tie restlessly.

"So," Dr. Parker asked, "how are the panic attacks going?"

"They have been getting better I think," Bella replied "I have still been having them, but they are only lasting about a minute now. I haven't really noticed a change in the frequency, but it must be a good thing that they are getting shorter?"

"That is a good thing! That means that the relaxation techniques are working! How is the pregnancy going?"

"It's alright," Bella sighed "I've been having some problems with swelling though."

"That is unfortunate, have you talked to your OBGYN about it?"

"I haven't seen her in a few weeks, so I haven't had a chance to mention it to her yet. I have an appointment tomorrow, so I will talk to her about it then."

"Well I am sure it is just something related to the pregnancy, nothing for you to stress over!"

"That's what I am thinking too." Bella smiled softly as she placed her hands over her now growing belly.

"And how is Edward?"

"Things are kind of tense right now." Bella frowned as she continued to speak. "I only have myself to blame for that. He kind of asked me to move in with him and I didn't take the news very well. It's not that I don't want to, the thought is just kind of terrifying."

"Moving in with him is terrifying or not having your own space is terrifying?"

"Both."

"How do you know unless you give it a try? After all from everything you have been telling me lately, Edward has been really stepping up. He's been trying to be at every appointment that you have, trying to be there for you, maybe you should let him."

He cleared his throat gently. "I'm in no way telling you what you should or should not do. I am merely saying that you shouldn't rule the option out because of fears. Have you even discussed the housing plan with him, or went and looked at the house?"

"No." Bella whispered.

"How can you know that it is something that you don't want without knowing all the specifics? Edward seems like an intelligent man who has just made a few mistakes, but no one is perfect. You've even stated yourself that some of the blame belongs with you. As I've said before, it's always easier to assume the blame lies with someone else."

"Go look at the house, actually have a conversation with Edward, explain your fears to him. You may be surprised that he probably shares a lot of those fears. The fact that you rejected him and he is still doting on you should say something as well about his commitment."

Bella nodded, processing his words. "I will think about it."

"That's all I ask." Dr. Parker responded.

--

The waiting room was a bright yellow that seemed almost too cheery. Bella sat alone in the uncomfortable plastic chair, flipping through a year old magazine. It didn't keep her attention.

She couldn't figure out why Edward wasn't waiting in front of the office like he said he would be. Her eyes roamed once again to the clock on the wall. Her appointment was in five minutes, where was he?

Bella found herself wondering if he was ditching the appointment, ditching her and the baby. It didn't seem like something he would do, but the fear was still there.

She watched the minute hand gently move and found herself holding her breath. 'He's going to show up; he's going to show up.' She found herself chanting softly in her mind. If she stated it enough times it would happen, right?

Another tech entered the room and Bella was startled out of her worry by the calling of her name.

"Isabella Swan."

She lugged herself out of the seat and dragged her feet, moving slowly to reach the tech. Bella found herself looking behind her at the door, frowning when she noticed it was still closed.

Where the hell was he?

"My name is Becca and I will be your tech for the day." The girl chattered incessantly and it only seemed to piss Bella off more. Edward was going to be getting a ton of hell the next time she saw him. What was he thinking, telling her he would be here and then not showing up.

She had worked herself up just enough that she was ready to pull out her cell phone and dial his number. She could cuss him out in front of the tech and blame it on the pregnancy, couldn't she?

The door to the office opened and she turned back once more, seeing Edward jogging in. He was still wearing his scrubs.

"I'm here," Edward called softly, out of breath. "Sorry, I had to find someone to hand the pager off to. It was a crazy day."

"It's fine." Bella snapped.

"What's wrong?" Edward questioned tenderly.

"I didn't think you were going to make it." Bella realized how whiney her voice sounded and she hated herself for it.

"I promised you that I would." Edward frowned. "I'm sorry. I got here as quickly as I could."

Bella could feel the tears filling her eyes and she turned her head away, nodding. Suddenly Edward was standing in front of her and Bella felt truly exposed. He wiped the few stray tears away and leaned in close to her ear.

"I'm sorry I had you worried. I promise if I am running late again that I will call you. I honestly didn't think. I should have called. I wouldn't" he pecked her forehead, "have" he pecked her nose, "missed" her cheek received a gentle kiss, "this" her other cheek received the same treatment, "for" he kissed her chin and then pulled away. The last two words tumbled out breathlessly "the world" and then his lips landed on hers, pulling her into a deep kiss.

The tech standing next to her cleared her throat and Bella pulled back blushing bright red.

"Sorry," Bella responded.

"Not a problem," the tech replied smiling softly at the two of them, "shall we head back?"

The warm goop slid across her stomach as the tech waved the wand along her stomach. A moment later the soft whoosh of the babies heart beat could be heard.

"Heart beat sounds good, it's nice and strong." The tech stated softly as she took a snapshot. "Would you like copies of the pictures as well?" Bella looked over at Edward and was amused by the subtle glow and smile on his face.

"I would love some." He whispered softly, reverently. Edward hadn't been present for her previous ultrasounds so this was a new experience for him. Bella was having as much fun watching him as she was the screen.

"Would you two like to know the sex of the baby?"

"Yes." Edward answered.

"No." Bella replied.

They turned to look at each other and the tech chuckled softly. "I will give you two a few minutes to decide and then I will be back in with the doctor so that she can look at the pictures as well."

"Thank you," Edward replied not even looking at her as she exited the room.

"Why is this such a big deal for you?" Edward murmured. "I just want to know whether I need to get the room ready for a girl or a boy."

"The room?" Bella questioned.

"In the new house." Edward replied his face focused on the screen. A mass of emotions filled Bella and she wasn't really sure what to say.

"Oh."

He turned to look at her, almost innocently and then he smirked.

"What?"

"It's fine if you don't want to know."

"Really?" Bella questioned softly, touched that he would concede on something that seemed so important to him.

"Yep."

"This just seems too easy. You know already don't you?" Bella questioned looking at the screen now as well.

"Yep." Edward smirked hugely then and leaned down pecking her on the forehead.

"Stupid doctors." Bella muttered under her breath, before carefully looking at him. "And you are happy about it?"

"Ecstatic!" Edward's smile grew.

"It's a boy then isn't it? That's what all daddies want is a little boy, right?"

"I'm not saying anything. You said you didn't want to know, so I guess it will just have to be a surprise for you."

"I don't think I like you all of the sudden."

"Your loss." Edward joked leaning in and kissing her softly.

There was a soft nock at the door and the doctor entered. "Let's have a look shall we?"

**Well… do you want to know the sex of the baby or do you want Edward to keep it a secret? Let me know because next chapter will most likely be EPOV.**

**For those of you guessing on what is going with Bella, I will tell you this much. She is only having one child and it is NOT PTSD! There are only one or two of you who have come really close to figuring it out (but no one has guessed right on yet). All will be revealed VERY soon!**

**Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile! Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites!**


	30. Frustrations

**Frustrations**

"_Oh, you say there's nothing wrong with being proud  
So tell me what you love and say it loud  
Now here's the dose that you've been dishing out  
If you're listening this is how much it hurts  
If you're listening this is how much it hurts"  
How Much It Hurts- John Mayer_

**Mood Music: How Much It Hurts by John Mayer, Find Your Way Back by Michelle Branch, Never Think by Robert Pattinson**

The gentle hum of the machine did nothing to mask the gentle lub dub of the baby's heart. As the tech moved the transducer over Bella's belly, Edward took the moment in.

"Heart beat sounds good, it's nice and strong." The tech stated softly as she took a snapshot. "Would you like copies of the pictures as well?" She looked over at Edward for the first time, and Edward could feel the silly grin on his face.

"I would love some." He whispered. Thinking softly to himself, 'I will have to show these to Carlisle and Esme they are going to be so excited.' He continued to watch the screen and he found that he couldn't keep his hands off of her. They ran through her hair, across her arm, and he found himself squeezing her hand. He was inexplicably more drawn to her and he found his thoughts wandering.

"Would you two like to know the sex of the baby?" Edward was pulled from his daze and looked at the woman for a moment before responding.

"Yes." Edward stated ecstatically.

"No." Bella replied softly.

They turned to look at each other and Edward couldn't help the frustration that he felt. He could hear the tech chuckling, but he was not amused. This was important to him, he needed to know; he needed it to be real.

"I will give you two a few minutes to decide and then I will be back in with the doctor so that she can look at the pictures as well."

"Thank you," Edward took his eyes from Bella and looked up at the tech, waiting for the door to close before he spoke to her. "Why is this such a big deal for you?" Edward murmured. "I just want to know whether I need to get the room ready for a girl or a boy."

"The room?" Bella questioned. Edward looked at her, eyebrow raised in question. Hadn't they just been arguing about the house a few days ago?

"In the new house." Edward replied his face focused on the screen. He didn't want to look at her for fear of what expression might be on her face. He would have a room for the baby whether or not Bella lived with him. It was his baby too.

"Oh."

Edward focused more clearly on the screen and was surprised to see the sex of it clearly. The baby was lying with its legs spread wide open towards the camera. It was the ideal position to determine the sex. He turned to look at her innocently, he could know but she didn't have to.

"It's fine if you don't want to know." He smiled softly.

"Really?" Bella's voice was so quiet it was almost a whisper.

"Yep." Edward hoped the gloating tone wasn't shining through.

"This just seems too easy. You know already don't you?" Bella questioned looking at the screen now as well. Her eyes squinted, and he chuckled softly to himself. If she looked close enough, it would even be obvious to her.

"Yep." Edward grinned, before leaning down and pecking her on the forehead.

"Stupid doctors." Bella muttered under her breath causing him to chuckle. "And you are happy about it?"

"Ecstatic!" Edward's smile grew.

"It's a boy then isn't it? That's what all daddies want is a little boy, right?" Edward really couldn't care less if it was a boy or a girl. He already had Emmett and hopefully Alice. Having a child with Bella was more than he could have ever asked for. This was just icing on his already delicious cake.

"I'm not saying anything. You said you didn't want to know, so I guess it will just have to be a surprise for you." He didn't want to sound condescending but he knew it probably came across that way. He was just trying to respect her wishes.

"I don't think I like you all of the sudden." She muttered under her breath. While normally the words would have stung, he brushed them off blaming them on hormones.

"Your loss." Edward joked leaning in and kissing her softly.

There was a soft nock at the door and the doctor entered. "Let's have a look shall we?"

Dr. Jacobsen entered the room and shook Edward's hand softly before patting Bella on the belly. Picking up the transducer she ran it across her belly taking a few more snapshots, before turning once again to look at the parents.

"Everything looks good! The development is right on track to where it should be and the heartbeat sounds good and strong! She is a very healthy baby."

"She?" Bella questioned, looking up at the picture in shock.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I assumed that your tech told you the sex. Hopefully I didn't ruin it for you."

"Not at all," Edward stated frowning softly. He would have thought that the doctor would have been more professional about telling them. While it was not the doctor's fault that she had slipped up, he had wanted to be the one to tell her and it kind of put a damper on the visit.

"Has everything been going okay for you?" Dr. Jacobsen questioned.

"I've actually been having some concerns," Edward spoke up softly, avoiding looking at Bella as he brought it up. "Bella has been having some severe swelling, she has been having trouble sleeping, and added with the panic attacks, and I am just worried that there is something else going on."

"The swelling and lack of sleep are normal and Bella has been having panic attacks for quite awhile now, it really should be nothing to worry about. The baby looks fine!"

"The swelling is normal, but only later in the pregnancy. As for the lack of sleep she is in her second trimester so she should be sleeping better, not worse!"

"I'm sorry," the doctor stated looking at him offended "If you have a problem with my diagnosis you have the right to a second opinion."

Edward immediately noticed the irritated look on Bella's face and found himself getting angry not only at the doctor but at her.

"It's fine," Bella stated smiling at her doctor "Edward here is just over analyzing things. No second opinion is needed."

The room suddenly felt too small for him and the other doctor and Edward excused himself from the room. Simply telling Bella he would talk to her later.

--

Edward sat on Jasper's couch with his hands running through his hair. He had driven around for an hour and yet the dejected feeling in his chest wouldn't go away. He wanted to punch something, to break something, to scream, but instead he sat and pulled on the ends of his hair.

"You're going to make yourself go prematurely bald." Jasper stated plopping down next to him with a bottle of water, handing it to him.

"Tell me what happened."

"I need the key," Edward replied hand outstretched.

"Are you sure that is the best idea?" Jasper questioned. "Obviously she thinks you are overreacting."

"Obviously," Edward replied bitterly "she still doesn't trust me and seriously, Jasper, I have had it with your questioning. Just give me the damn key."

"What happened?" Jasper asked, not moving.

"I questioned the doctor on the diagnosis and Bella sided with him."

"Are you sure Bella wasn't just being polite while the doctor was in the room? I'm sure you could talk her into going and seeing your friend if you really tried."

"She was pissed that I even insinuated that her doctor didn't know what he was doing."

"She is hormonal."

"No, Jasper, she is WRONG." Edward stood up arms flailing and nostrils flaring. "I know you don't understand, but you have to trust me. I KNOW something is wrong, I can feel it in my bones and I can tell that she knows too. She is just too afraid to ADMIT it. I won't let something happen to her if I can help it. I won't lose her because I was too afraid to stand up and ask for a second opinion. The doctor could have run a urine test; she could have taken some blood. The fact of the matter is she CHOSE do nothing and she CHOSE to blow off my concerns. I will NOT have that doctor delivering my baby."

Jasper sighed before standing up and walking to the drawer of his desk. Pulling the key out, he handed it to Edward. Tapping him slightly on the back he smiled. "Then go prove yourself right."

--

Edward pulled up to the hospital, parking in his spot before running inside. His phone vibrated steadily in his pocket, but he refused to answer it. He would show Bella how much he loved her, how much she meant to him, and he wouldn't move from his desk until he figured out what was wrong with her.

Pushing the key into the lock, Edward could feel the pulse of adrenaline still coursing through his body. It was not acceptable for her doctor to treat them the way that she had and Edward would be talking to the hospital administrator about it.

He pulled the thick book out of his desk and plopped it down, resting his head against it for a moment as he tried to catch his breath. Edward would do anything for Bella and the fact that she still didn't realize it, that she still didn't understand broke his heart more than he was willing to admit to Jasper.

He was devastated.

Taking the thick book between his hands he opened the first page trying to decide where to start. After a moment's hesitation he turned the page. The best place to start was at the beginning. Knowing he could rule out anything pertaining to the baby being unhealthy he began to scan the text.

--

**-Three hours later-**

Edward's eyes burned and he could feel the exhaustion weighing on him. A gentle knock on the door pulled him from his revere and he looked up surprised to see Bella standing there.

"You look like crap." Bella stated softly, entering the room and closing the door behind her.

"Well having the person you love basically dismiss your concerns will do that to you." Edward slammed the book on his desk shut and leaned his head back against his chair.

"I just really like my OBGYN and I didn't want to offend her and switch to another doctor."

"Well then you must like her more than me. Don't my concerns mean _anything_ to you Bella? I fucking love you and I tell you I am worried and you dismiss me. How do you think that makes me feel?"

"Probably terrible," he could tell from the sound of her voice that she was frowning and he found himself reaching up and pinching his nose. "What are you reading?"

Edward held up the manual for her to look at and let his eyes slit open so that he could look at her.

"Oh. I've been trying to call you."

"I have been here for a few hours, flipping through this."

She came around to stand behind him and he could feel the heat of her hands as she placed them on his shoulders. She began to massage them as she spoke to him.

"I'm sorry. I haven't exactly been the easiest to live with lately."

"I just wish you would trust me, trust my love for you. I will _never_ hurt you again, Bella. I can promise you that."

Bella twisted his chair around setting in his lap and leaning her head against his shoulder.

"I will go see another doctor, it obviously means a lot to you."

"It would mean a lot to me."

"Then it's done." Bella replied leaning in and placing a kiss on his chin before she continued to speak. "We're having a little girl."

"I know." Edward could feel the excitement and joy and he knew it was showing on his face.

"So you've always wanted a girl."

"I couldn't have cared less if it was a girl or a boy," Edward whispered "but I do love the fact that I am going to be having a mini you. You're not disappointed are you? I mean you already have Alice, you probably wanted a boy."

"I actually wanted a mini you." Bella whispered her face flushed. Edward laughed softly before leaning in and placing a kiss on her forehead.

"We are too alike sometimes."

"Hmm." Bella hummed softly against his neck as he rubbed his hands along her back and then her belly.

"Rose is watching Alice for the night and since Emmett isn't here I'm assuming Jasper is doing the same."

"Correct." Edward sighed. "I feel kind of bad that I haven't been around for him as much as I want to be. I think once the baby comes I am going to take some time off work."

"I would like that." Bella answered. "But the reason I was asking is because this is the first time we have had a whole night free in forever."

Edward raised his eyebrow in question, but Bella just smiled.

"Would you show me our new home?"

**Special thanks to pixielovestoshop for looking over this so quickly for me! You are amazing! Thanks for all your help! **

**People were split 50/50 on wanting to know the sex, but I figured this was the best way to do it! Sorry to those of you who didn't want to know, but it had to come out at some time!**

**Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile! Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites! Your reviews are seriously making my days so much better and my writing so much easier! You guys rock!**


	31. Acceptance

**Acceptance**

"_You've been alone, you've been afraid  
I've been a fool in so many ways  
But I would change my life  
If you thought you might try to love me  
So please give me another chance  
To write you another song  
And take back those things I've done  
'Cause I'll give you my heart."  
All over again- Justin Timberlake_

**Mood Music: All over again by Justin Timberlake, You Found Me by Kelly Clarkson, A Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz.**

Bella sat on the table watching the interaction between Edward and her doctor. While normally it wouldn't have bothered her, she liked her doctor and didn't want Edward offending her. She watched the two volley words back and forth becoming more and more irritated by the minute.

"The swelling and lack of sleep are normal and Bella has been having panic attacks for quite awhile now, it really should be nothing to worry about. The baby looks fine!" Dr. Jacobsen replied curtly to Edward.

"The swelling is normal, but only later in the pregnancy. As for the lack of sleep she is in her second trimester so she should be sleeping better, not worse!" Edward sounded frustrated and Bella couldn't help but be frustrated in return. Why wouldn't he accept that there was nothing wrong with her?

"I'm sorry," the doctor stated looking at him offended "If you have a problem with my diagnosis you have the right to a second opinion."

Bella could tell Edward was getting irritated and the doctor offended, turning to her doctor and smiling softly she tried to calm the situation. "It's fine, Edward here is just over analyzing things. No second opinion is needed."

Bella watched Edward excuse himself from the room, brushing off her goodbye and simply telling her he would talk to her later. She could feel the tears filling her eyes and noticed the unapologetic look on the doctor's face. She didn't know what the deal was, but Dr. Jacobsen was crossing the line.

--

Leaving her appointment Bella called Rose asking her to watch Alice for the night. She had agreed readily, especially once Bella explained what she was thinking. Making her way to Edward's apartment she was surprised to find that he wasn't home. Picking up her phone she pressed his speed dial and listened to the steady ring.

He wasn't picking up.

Concerned, Bella dialed the number again. He still didn't answer.

Resting her back against his door, she sat for a moment and contemplated everything that had been going on lately. She knew that she was hurting him, pushing him away. The thought saddened her and she tried dialing him one more time before heading back to Rose's place.

The drive to Rose's went quickly and before she knew it she was sitting on the couch, head tilted back contemplating how to progress forward. It was around this time that Alice entered the room, head tilted to the side.

"Mommy sad."

She plopped down on the couch next to Bella and leaned over placing a gentle kiss on Bella's belly. "Hi baby," she whispered to Bella's stomach before looking up and frowning.

"Why mommy sad?"

"Mommy had a doctor's appointment." Alice scrunched up her nose in distaste. She really hated going to see the doctor and it was something that she had learned from Bella. She truly was her mother's daughter.

"Why you see doctor?"

"To check on the baby, sweetie," Bella replied.

"Baby okay?"

"The baby is great, honey. You are going to have a little sister."

Alice squealed for a moment, hands clapping before looking up at her mother and making the perfect puppy dog face. "Edward there?"

"Yes."

"Why he not here?"

"I'm not sure," Bella sighed softly. She couldn't lie to Alice but at the same point there was only so much her daughter would understand.

"When do I see brother again?" Alice questioned innocently.

"Brother?" Bella asked softly lifting her head to stare at her daughter.

"Emmy!" Alice giggled as if it was the most obvious thing, "I miss Emmy."

"I know sweetie, I promise that you will get to see him soon."

"I see him now, you call Edward."

"It's not that simple, sweetie, I wish it was," Bella whispered to her pouting daughter.

"I miss Edward," Alice stated tears forming in her eyes, "Edward fun."

Bella looked at the devastated look on her daughters face and realized how much of an impact Edward had really had on her life, on her family. Alice loved him; she loved him, what was holding her back from taking the leap?

It was at that moment that Bella had an epiphany of sorts. She was hurting Edward, she knew that much, but in trying to be safe and do the right thing she was also hurting herself and Alice. Bella could keep pushing things back, but then she wasn't really living.

Alice had snuggled into her belly, her forehead pressed against her bosom. She whispered softly to her future sister about all the fun things they could do and as she spoke Bella ran her fingers through her daughter's hair. It didn't take long for the action to lull Alice into a deep sleep and she picked up her head, laying her out on the couch.

Rose stood in the doorway watching with a soft smile on her face.

"You're going to move in with him."

"I'm going to move in with him," Bella replied her eyes meeting her friends.

"'Bout damn time you got your shit together," Rose stated smiling softly and pulling her into a hug.

"Now I just have to tell him."

"What are you doing standing here? Makeup sex is the best part."

Bella's face blushed crimson at this comment causing Rose to burst into a fit of giggles. "Look at you all shy and modest; I think your belly tells everyone what you have been up to."

"Right," Bella grumbled rolling her eyes. "I can't get a hold of him. He won't answer his phone."

"And why is that?" Rose questioned concerned.

"Because," Bella looked down sheepishly "I may have sided with my OBGYN over him."

"Wow," Rose stated huffing, "You really have a way of messing things up."

"I know," Bella sighed, "Can I get Jasper's number from you?"

"Why do you want Jasper's number?" Rose questioned.

"Because I have a feeling he will know where Edward is."

"Good thinking!" Rose stated pulling her phone out of her pocket and handing Bella the phone.

--

Bella stood outside the office door, her forehead pressed against the wall. She needed to take a deep breath and make sure that she wasn't going to panic before going in. She had made up her mind about what she was going to do and she was sticking to it, no matter what.

Knocking softly on the door, she pulled it open poking her head in. Edward sat at his desk with a huge book in front of him. It looked like he was about half way through it and exhaustion was beginning to show on his features.

His hair looked like he had been tugging incessantly hard on it, and it stood wildly in every direction. His eyes had bags under them, most likely from the long hours of reading. A steady frown was present on his face.

"You look like crap," Bella blurted out as she entered the room. Shaking her head softly at herself her eyes scanned over his face.

"Well having the person you love basically dismiss your concerns will do that to you." Edward slammed the book on his desk shut and leaned his head back against his chair. Bella physically cringed from the response. So he was pissed. Really pissed.

She felt like she needed to explain, to justify her response even though there really was no justification.

"I just really like my OBGYN and I didn't want to offend her and switch to another doctor."

"Well then you must like her more than me. Don't my concerns mean _anything_ to you Bella? I fucking love you and I tell you I am worried and you dismiss me. How do you think that makes me feel?"

Bella could feel the tears threatening to spill over but she forced them back. She wouldn't cry. She had hurt him, pretty deeply, and she would have to deal with the consequences of it.

"Probably terrible," her voice broke and she squinted her eyes shut blocking out her thoughts. "What are you reading?"

Edward held up the manual for her to look at and her mouth dropped open in shock. He was flipping through a medical diagnostic and treatment manual for pregnancy.

"Oh," she muttered feeling completely stumped on what to say. He had spent all this time trying to diagnose her?

"I've been trying to call you."

"I have been here for a few hours, flipping through this." His comment confirmed her thoughts and she felt the guilt begin to eat her inside. Coming around behind him she began to rub his shoulders, hoping to ease some of the tension and stress out of his posture.

She wanted to be there for him and that started with an apology.

"I'm sorry," Bella stated softly, "I haven't exactly been the easiest to live with lately."

"I just wish you would trust me, trust my love for you. I will _never_ hurt you again, Bella. I can promise you that."

She knew that now and she understood. Twisting his chair around she plopped in his lap, simply wanting to feel him, to feel something. She laid her head against his shoulder breathing in his scent and she found it calming her.

"I will go see another doctor, it obviously means a lot to you." It was a concession of sorts, a way to start to make things right again. Would he see it as that though? Would he understand?

"It would mean a lot to me."

"Then it's done," Bella replied leaning in and placing a kiss on his chin, although she would have preferred his lips she felt it was too soon. "We're having a little girl." Her voice trembled with emotion.

"I know." Edward was smiling, the tips reaching his ears. He was truly ecstatic.

"So you've always wanted a girl?"

"I couldn't have cared less if it was a girl or a boy," Edward whispered, "But I do love the fact that I am going to be having a mini you." This comment touched Bella more than she could probably explain and her eyes burned with unshed tears once again with his words.

"You're not disappointed are you? I mean you already have Alice, you probably wanted a boy."

"I actually wanted a mini you," Bella whispered her face flushed with her admission. Edward laughed softly before leaning in and placing a kiss on her forehead.

"We are too alike sometimes."

"Hmm." Bella hummed softly against his neck as he rubbed his hands along her back and then her belly. His touch was warm and it felt wonderful against her stomach. It felt like things were finally getting on track for the first time in awhile and Bella knew what she had to do.

"Rose is watching Alice for the night and since Emmett isn't here I'm assuming Jasper is doing the same."

"Correct," Edward sighed, "I feel kind of bad that I haven't been around for him as much as I want to be. I think once the baby comes I am going to take some time off work."

"I would like that," Bella answered. "But the reason I was asking is because this is the first time we have had a whole night free in forever."

Edward raised his eyebrow and Bella immediately understood his intention. Trying not to laugh, she leaned in and gently whispered, "Would you show me our new home?"

--

Edward pulled into the driveway and Bella was surprised by the size of the house. He looked over at her, his face beaming as he hopped out and ran around the car. He opened her door and helped her out of the car with a flourish.

"Welcome home," he whispered softly in her ear as he placed his arm around her back, "Let me show you around."

Edward opened up the door stopping for a moment and turning to look at her.

"I feel like I should lift you over the threshold."

"Don't you only do that after you have gotten married?" Bella questioned. "Plus I am huge; I don't want you to hurt yourself." His eyes narrowed at her and Bella wasn't sure if it was out of spite or not but he picked her up effortlessly and carried her into their new home.

Setting her down, he led her into the foyer stopping for a moment to flip on the lights.

"Edward this house is huge," Bella stated looking up at the vaulted ceiling in the entry way her mouth open in a gape. "This is too much."

"Nonsense," Edward muttered, "now you sound like Jasper. I planned for what we would need. It's the perfect size, trust me."

"I do." was Bella's only response as she looked around.

"It's partially furnished. I bought a few things and moved a few things over from the apartment but I have kind of been holding out, I hoped that you would help me decorate."

"I would be honored to," Bella responded as she walked through what she assumed was the living room. She ran her hand along the mantle over the fireplace finding that she was having trouble picking words to describe how she felt.

"It's beautiful Edward."

"It's ours," Edward replied softly. She looked around for another minute before moving on to another room, each more ideal than the next.

After pointing out each of the rooms on the first floor he took her hand and led her slowly up the stairs. Bella could picture the house as the ideal place to raise a family.

"This is perfect."

"I know," Edward stated stopping at the top and looking at her, "I only want the best for my family."

The words seemed to hit Bella deeply in the heart and she found herself tearing up. Before she could even attempt to force the tears back his arms were around her and he was softly soothing her; his hand running up and down her back.

"I'm sorry it's too much too fast isn't it?" Edward's voice sounded almost panicked and Bella found herself chuckling through her sobs.

"It's not that," Bella replied. "It's just," her voice broke as she looked up at him, "we are a family now."

His smile seemed to shine and Bella found herself burying her face in his neck. "You, Alice, Emmett, and the baby are my family now, always." He placed a kiss on her forehead before showing her Alice, Emmett and the baby's rooms.

"Where is our room?" Bella questioned causing him to smile.

"It's down the hall, this way." He took her hand and led her to a large room at the end of the hall. He opened the door and stood back letting her explore.

There was a large bed in the middle of the room. Along one of the walls was a fireplace that seemed to open the room up and make it feel warmer.

"What do you think?" he had moved closer and his breath brushed across her neck causing her to jump.

"I love it," Bella replied turning to look at him. His smile grew and he drew her into a hug, carefully molding her to him for a moment before leaning down and kissing her softly.

That night Edward made love to her. It wasn't the same as before. There was a new intensity between them and they veered from their normal pace. Taking things slowly and gently he had peeled the clothes off of her, lavishing attention on her now growing belly that caused Bella to giggle.

It only took her a moment to remove his clothes and her rush had him laughing.

"I'm pregnant, that gives me the right to be horny," Bella joked trying to ease the escalating tension.

He entered her slowly, his body molding around her belly. Almost as if he was worshiping her, he was slow and soft her name tumbling from his lips over and over again.

Pressing his forehead against hers he caressed her lips with his own. Bella couldn't contain the moans, his name tumbling from her lips as she tangled her hands in his hair.

Bella began moving her hips to meet each of his thrusts, urging him to go faster, go harder, but he maintained his pace. "I haven't felt this alive in forever," he whispered into her hair, "I'm going to make it last."

Breathing deeply, bodies molded together with sweat, Bella came calling his name.

He looked up into her eyes, orgasming and his eyes rolling back in pleasure.

"I love you," Bella moaned as he leaned down and kissed her softly.

"I love you two," Edward stated pulling away and placing his head on her stomach, his hands pressing softly into the flesh as he kissed it tenderly. "God do I love you two."

**Special thanks to my beta extraordinaire pixielovestoshop for looking over this so quickly for me! You are amazing! Thanks for all your help! **

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites! Your reviews are seriously making my days so much better and my writing so much easier! You guys rock!**

**Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile! **


	32. Needs

**Needs**

"_If tomorrow never comes  
I would want just one wish  
To kiss your quiet mouth  
Trace the steps of my fingertips  
And it's you  
The light changes when you're in the room  
Oh it's you  
Oh it's you"  
It's You - Michelle Branch_

**Mood Music: Unable to Stay, Unwilling to leave (instrumental), Lucky by Jason Mraz, and It's you by Michelle Branch**

**-One Month Later- **

(Bella is now 6 ½ months along)

Edward lay in bed, hand thrown over his face in frustration. He looked around the room at the disarray and groaned in disgust. Moving was messy, frustratingly messy. There were boxes everywhere, making the house more like a maze than an actual place to live.

Bella lay in bed next to him; her feet elevated up on pillows and her hair thrown behind her. The moving had been more stressful on her than Edward had realized it would be and in typical fashion he was worried about her.

"I leave next week." Edward muttered reaching out and cupping Bella's face with his hand. She nodded softly, distantly, and her head turned away from him.

"I'm only going to be gone for a week; I wouldn't be leaving if I didn't have to. Rose is going to be staying here with you and Jasper will be keeping in contact as well."

"Yeah," Bella whispered softly, he could tell her mind was somewhere else and the thought worried him. Ever since he had made her see a different OBGYN the week prior she had been moody. He knew it probably had something to do with the fact that she was going crazy; being put on bed rest wasn't easy for anyone.

Edward looked at her staring in space brow furrowed as he continued to speak to her. "I know you hate this and you feel like you are being punished, but until the doctors can figure out what is going on we need to be safe. I don't know what I would do if I lost you Bella."

"I know," she sighed, resigned to the fact that she would follow the doctor's orders even while Edward was gone. Her symptoms had only gotten worse in the weeks following her last doctor's visit and it had been a bit of a wakeup call to both of them. Bella was finally just as concerned as Edward was about something serious going on.

"My mom will probably be calling you every day." Edward muttered smiling. He shook his head at how much his parents had latched onto Bella. He knew the moment they met that they would click, but he was surprised at how they had instantly loved her as their own. His mother was helping Bella decorate the house.

Since Bella could no longer actively participate in the shopping and actual decorating, his mother had taken to coming over with a computer and pulling up ideas on the internet to show her. The items she had been buying online had definitely put a dent into his credit card, but it was worth it to see Bella happy even if it was only for a moment.

Bella let out a gentle sigh, rolling onto her side and finally facing him. A small pout formed on her lips and he found himself chuckling softly.

"It's only a week and I wouldn't be going if I didn't have to. I can't miss this conference; trust me I checked with the hospital administrator."

"Edward," Bella leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on his nose "it's fine, I just am bored. I'm not used to be confined, to feeling confined."

"Sure," Edward teased trying to joke with her "blame it on the bed rest. I think you are going to miss me terribly because I am just that _irresistible."_

Bella laughed slightly before leaning in and kissing him. He gently pushed her back, deepening the kiss and she pulled away throwing her head back in laughter.

"I'm making up for lost time." Edward smirked down at her.

"You haven't even left yet." Bella teased.

"Consider it a down payment." Edward replied with a small pout on his face. "Plus you need to get something positive out of this whole bed rest thing."

Bella rolled her eyes, leaning in and kissing the pout off of his face before pulling back. "I love you dork." She turned serious for a moment, pulling him closer and molding her frame against his. "Just let me feel you for a moment."

Reaching up she stroked his face and a tender sadness filled her eyes. "I just need to know that we are together, that you are here." Her voice cracked and he could tell she was overwhelmed.

"I love you too," Edward whispered kissing her on the forehead before leaning down and pressing his cheek against her now prominent belly.

"You better," she replied softly.

"I do," he whispered into her shirt as his hands massaged her stomach.

--

Edward groaned into his pillow quickly reaching over and slapping the button on the alarm clock. He could feel Bella stirring next to him and he pulled her to him, whispering softly in her ear. "Stay in bed, I'm just going to shower."

"But you are leaving this morning." Bella grumbled still half asleep.

"I know and I will wake you up before I go," Edward replied, kissing her softly on the forehead as he hopped out of bed.

He could see the pout on her face and he chuckled as he made his way around the room. "Go back to bed Bella I will wake you up before I leave."

Nodding into her pillow he heard her mumble softly and incoherently. Quickly he made his way to his suitcase, throwing in the necessities for the week before packing up a suit or two into his travel bag. Grabbing the ultrasound picture from the nightstand, he added it to his pile before making his way to the shower.

He let the warm water flow down his back and soothe his stressed muscles. The water felt good but did little to abate his internal worries. Edward couldn't help but feel nervous, tense even, at the fact that he was leaving his pregnant girlfriend behind. He also couldn't help but worry about the fact that she had been to two OBGYN's now and neither had come up with a logical reason for what was wrong.

At least the doctor he picked had acknowledged that something was wrong.

Edward knew that Rose would be staying with her and as much as he had pestered Jasper and his parents, he knew that they too would be worried about her safety. It didn't seem right, though, leaving her home while he was traveling. He silently cursed the hospital administrator for not understanding before focusing on scrubbing the soap out of his hair.

Drying off quickly, he tiptoed back into their room throwing on some comfortable clothes and looking at the clock. He really didn't have much time until Jasper would be arriving to take him to the airport. While Edward knew that Bella needed her sleep, he also knew that she would be majorly pissed if he didn't wake her up before he left.

Leaning over her sleeping form he placed a gentle kiss on Bella's forehead and watched as she stirred.

"I'm leaving." He whispered as she shoved her face into the pillow groaning. "I will be back before you even know it."

She rolled over, her eyes squinted against the light and she leaned up pressing a solid kiss onto his lips and falling back onto the bed. "Bye," she whispered and tears formed in her eyes.

"Love you," Edward answered throwing his bag over his shoulder and graving the wheeling suitcase with his free hand.

"Love you too," Bella called out to him as he exited the room.

--

Edward sat in his chair, leg bouncing up and down with nerves. He fidgeted with the packet lying in front of him. He was trying to pay attention to the speaker, he really was, but his mind was elsewhere. The picture of Bella lying in bed seemed to distract him and while normally his thoughts would have been on what he could be doing with her in that bed, this time was different.

Worry seemed to filter in his mind as he ran once again over her symptoms. Now that another doctor had also acknowledged that this wasn't a routine pregnancy, Edward had this fear of losing Bella or the baby. While it had led him to become more overprotective of Bella, it had also brought them closer together. She needed him as much as he needed her.

The speaker released them for a quick break and Edward pulled his phone out dialing Rose.

"How's she doing?" Edward questioned.

"Hello to you too," Rose sounded off and he could feel his worry increase.

"Is everything all right, Rose?"

"Everything is fine," Rose answered "I thought you were supposed to be in meetings all day."

"We got a break." Edward answered. "May I talk to her?"

"She is taking a nap right now."

The speaker called for the meeting to resume and Edward felt a growl built in his chest but he pushed it down. Bella was sleeping anyways; he could always call again later.

Hanging up he picked up the pamphlet and scanned through the material quickly. Most of it was standard knowledge for cardiologists but a few things were new. He perused the data quickly his eyes catching a section and his breath faltering.

The pamphlet fell out of his hand and he hopped up leaving the meeting.

--

Edward stood in front of the terminal pacing back and forth. His hands shook as he pressed the redial button once again. No one was picking up their phones and he was starting to panic.

"Damn it Jasper pick up your phone." He muttered into his friend's voicemail before punching the call end button.

He had exactly twenty minutes before he would board his flight and therefore twenty minutes until he had to turn his phone off. He hadn't spoken to Rose since earlier in the morning and since then hadn't been able to get a hold of her. His hands drummed incessantly on the counter as the flight attendant gave him a dirty look.

"Sorry, I'm in a hurry."

"Obviously sir," she snipped in response. You would have thought he would have gotten a little bit of courtesy, after all the flight cost him a pretty penny. At the moment, though, money didn't matter.

Bella wasn't expecting him home for another three days, as that was how long his trip was supposed to last. Looking at the pamphlets he had picked up before storming out of his conference he shook his head in utter disgust with himself. He should have seen the signs sooner, should have realized.

It was his job after all.

The sound of his phone ringing brought him out of his revere and he looked at the caller ID, sighing in relief.

"Rose I have been trying to get a hold of you."

"I see that," she stated. Her voice sounded off, but Edward ignored it.

"Do you and Jasper ever pick up your phones?"

"Jasper was with me and our phones were turned off, therefore we didn't know you were calling until we turned them back on."

"Why did you turn your phone off? I needed to get a hold of you."

"I'm here now," she sighed and he realized she sounded tired.

"You said you were with Jasper?"

Edward heard a small scuffle and then Jasper spoke to him softly. "Hey Edward, I'm going to tell you something and I need you not to panic."

"That's fine but I need to let you know that I am on my way home. My flight leaves in 10 minutes."

Edward could hear Jasper and Rose arguing softly in the background before Jasper spoke to him once again. "That is probably a good thing."

"What do you mean?" Edward asked confusion evident in his voice.

"Bella is in the hospital."

**I posted a sneak peek on both the ff forum and the Twilighted forum, but didn't get one emailed out to everyone (this weekend was just insane for me). I will make the next one longer to make up for it! **

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites! **

**Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile! **


	33. Panic

**Panic**

_"Watch out now, I see the light,  
At the end of the tunnel.  
It seems realistic,  
That getting there will make us fine.  
But watch out now, it's full of glass.  
Don't take the chance.  
You'll surely pass.  
At least someday we'll know the reason why."  
Both Ways- Quietdrive_

**Mood Music: Even in the Dark by Company of Thieves, Carry you Home by James Blunt, and Both Ways by Quietdrive **

_**So a whole paragraph got cut off of the last chapter right at the end, it wasn't anything too important (and most of it is covered in B's and R's POV this chapter) so I am going to leave it as is.**_

_**Special thanks to my beta Pixielovestoshop for looking this over so quickly! **_

Bella was officially bored out of her mind. Edward had only been gone for two days and already she was staring at the walls wondering how to escape.

"This isn't a prison." Rose spoke up then, as if knowing her thoughts.

"My body is just aching Rose, I need to move around a bit. I _need_ a change of scenery."

"I suppose we could let you lay down on the couch in the living room. I could bring in Alice and Emmett and let them hang out there as well. It would be a change of pace and I think it would do you some good if you could interact with them a bit."

"I will take _anything_ Rose, and I do mean _anything_," Bella begged as she quickly got up out of the bed, her legs trembling from her lack of walking around lately.

"Take it slow, Bella, geesh. The last thing we need is you overdoing it, not only would I be panicked but Edward would kill me."

Bella slowly made her way down the stairs and into the family living area, panting for breath by the time she got to the couch. Alice was sitting on the floor and looked up at her beaming.

"Mommy feeling better?" she questioned.

"A bit sweetie," Bella panted out plopping down on the couch and putting her already swelling feet up. Laying her head back she breathed deeply, trying to catch her breath. Bella could hear the phone ringing in the distance and Rose quickly picked it up.

Rose's eyes diverted up to hers and she mouthed Edward, her brow knit in worry. This was most likely due to the fact that she was already allowing Bella to break Edward's rules.

"Hello to you too," Rose muttered clearly irritated at something he had said. She paused for a moment listening to something and then quickly answered. "Everything is fine; I thought you were supposed to be in meetings all day?"

Bella chuckled softly to herself; leave it to Rose to deflect whatever questions Edward was throwing her way. Rose looked up at her once more frowning at her panting before looking at the phone and sighing, "She is taking a nap right now."

It was clearly a lie and Bella felt a momentary pang of guilt until Rose came and sat beside her.

"He had to get back to meetings but he just wanted to call and check on you."

"That was sweet," Bella responded.

"Irritatingly perfect timing," Rose muttered, "Figures he would call the exact moment I let you break the rules. It's almost like that man has a homing chip on you or something."

"Don't be absurd," Bella laughed.

"Just saying," Rose shrugged her shoulders, nose scrunched in distaste. "Please tell me that I am not looking forward to an afternoon of Dora the Explorer. I just don't think I can take it."

Bella shrugged her shoulders watching Alice and Emmett interact on the carpet. They sat together, shoulders brushing, fixated on the show in front of them. Her focus was brought back to Rose by the loud groan the woman let out.

"I'm kind of tired anyways," Rose stated sighing and rubbing her eyes. "I might head up and take a quick nap." Her eyes narrowed at Bella and she raised a finger pointing at her. "You do _not_ try and head upstairs without me."

"Got it, mommy." Bella's voice dripped with sarcasm and it caused Rose to scowl.

"I mean it."

"I know," Bella replied letting her head rest on the pillow behind her. "Message received."

--

Bella woke up from a sound sleep to the grumble of her stomach. Looking at the clock she realized it had been hours since she had last eaten. Looking at the two bodies curled on the floor, she smiled at Alice and Emmett, peacefully asleep.

Sitting up, her stomach groaned loudly in despair. She looked around the room before calling softly into the air, "Rose?" When she didn't receive a reply she sighed, frustrated at her growing hunger. She couldn't go up the stairs to wake her friend, but she also wasn't supposed to be up and moving around.

Her stomach cried in protest, creating a deep pain in her that caused her to cry out. She needed to get food and she needed it now. Pushing herself off the couch she waddled her way around the children and into the kitchen. Opening the now mostly empty fridge her stomach cried out in protest.

There was no quick fix; she was going to have to cook.

Bending over to pull out a pan, she felt a head rush and quickly put her hand on the counter to hold herself up from falling. Placing the pan on the burner she quickly grabbed ingredients to make macaroni and cheese, figuring the kids would need to eat as well. Plus it was something she could make quickly.

Pulling the milk out, she set to warming it on the stove, keeping her attention on it so it wouldn't scald. Her stomach cried out once again and frustrated by the time it was taking, Bella grabbed some bread to make toast. That would hold her over.

Her feet began to ache from standing and she contemplated pulling in a chair to sit down at while she cooked. Bella could feel herself becoming tired and quickly grabbed and sat on a stool, her head rushing and spinning as she looked around the room.

It was difficult to breathe, difficult to move, her chest tightened. It felt like a panic attack and yet it didn't. She was terrified.

Her breathing came in pants and she could feel the pain in her chest swelling and cresting, bringing her to her knees at the bottom of the stool. Her hand gripped the counter, trying to pull herself up but she felt so weak, so tired.

The room began to spin and then go black. She could hear a cry escape her lips and as her eyes closed her last thought was of Edward.

--

**Switches to Rose's POV**

_There was a frantic knock, before a door was slammed open. Someone tugged on Rose's shirt softly at first and then incessantly. Someone was crying._

Rose woke to the incessant tugging of Alice and Emmett, both with tears streaked down their face. Alice was as pale as a ghost and her whimpers only seemed to escalate when Rose looked down at her.

"What's wrong?" Rose questioned.

Alice muttered through her sobs, the snot and tears making it impossible to understand her. Rose looked at her in confusion, through a sleep induced haze before turning to Emmett. Before she could ask the boy the same question the incessant and irritating beeping of the fire alarm rang shrilly through the house.

"Mommy," Alice sobbed.

Jumping up and grabbing both children Rose ran down the stairs, her eyes topping on the empty couch.

"FUCK." Rose muttered grabbing her cell from her pocket. "Alice, Emmett," she addressed the two children her eyes roaming over the room looking for a sign of Bella. She could smell smoke filling the air and she turned around seeing the stream exiting from the kitchen. "You two need to go outside for me," her voice was panicked and she tried to calm it so as not to startle the children, "Go stand outside by the mailbox. Stay there."

They nodded their heads, tears still falling as they ran out the door. Pressing the speed dial Rose called Jasper as she followed the stream of smoke into the kitchen.

"Hey Rose. What's up?" Jasper asked.

"Jasper, get over here NOW." Her voice was panicked and she entered the kitchen her eyes scanning the room to take in the scene.

There was a pot on the stove in which the smoke was coming from. Running over to it, Rose could smell the burnt milk her nose crinkling in response. Flipping the stove off her eyes diverted looking around the room. Bella lay on the floor, her body crumpled like a rag.

Rose dropped to her knees sobs escaping her lips as she threw the phone down, lowering her head to make sure that Bella was still breathing. A sigh of relief escaped her lips as she felt the soft brush of air flutter across her face.

It was weak, but it was there.

Grabbing the phone her breath came out in gasps as she lifted the phone up to her ear. "Call an ambulance."

"What's wrong?" Jasper spoke and she could hear him clearly moving around on the other end. Words escaped her as she looked down at her friends buckled body on the floor.

Sobs escaped her lips and her voice trembled out a single word. "Bella."

--

It took the ambulance ten minutes to arrive. It took Jasper five. Carrying the sobbing children into the house he called for her, his voice shaking. Rose immediately reprimanded herself. She had completely forgotten they were outside waiting for her. What if something had happened to them as well?

"In the kitchen," Rose called her voice cracking and breaking. He entered looking at the sight in front of him, gasping.

"I don't know if we should move her, I don't want to hurt her further."

He nodded his acceptance of the plan setting Alice and Emmett down and bending down to check Bella's pulse.

"Did you call Edward?" Jasper questioned.

"And say what?" Rose's voice broke.

"Don't you think he needs to know?"

She nodded her agreement unable to speak. It was her fault Bella was laying on the floor, she suddenly felt hollow.

"What happened?" Jasper questioned pulling his phone out and looking at it as if it was a snake that was going to bite him.

"She was so restless; I figured what was the difference if she lay in bed or on the couch. I brought her down here with the kids. After awhile I got tired and told her I was going to take a nap. She _promised_ me she would stay put until I came back down."

"She didn't."

"Obviously," Rose snapped her eyes watering. "Give me the damn phone, I was responsible for her."

Hitting the speed dial the phone immediately went to voicemail. Looking up at Jasper, Rose sighed flipping the phone closed.

"No answer."

"Leave a message."

"Is this really something you would want to find out about on a message?" Rose questioned.

He shook his head no, his head lifting up when they heard the front door open.

"In the kitchen," Jasper called to the paramedics.

--

Bella was in critical condition. She was in the unit. The words swelled around in Rose's head filling her with an immeasurable amount of guilt. The paramedics had brought her to the Emergency Room where she was quickly moved to an environment deemed more suitable.

She still had not awoken.

Rose had tried to call Edward at least three more times, each time receiving his voicemail, before the nurse had told her that cell phones were not admitted in the unit.

She and Jasper had shared a look and quickly turned their phones off.

This wasn't going to be good.

Setting at Bella's bedside, Rose held her hand the small sobs escaping her lips. The doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. There were limited tests they could do since she was pregnant and what little information they could gain from them wasn't helpful.

Rose was getting frustrated.

The only thing they could clearly tell her was that something was happening with Bella's heart. While at least it was a step in the right direction, it wasn't enough. They needed Edward here, he was a cardiologist after all, and Rose knew without a doubt he wouldn't give up until he figured it out.

Looking at the clock Rose winced at the time looking over at Jasper who sat in the corner staring into space. After the paramedics had shown up, Jasper had taken the children to Sue's explaining it was a medical emergency before rushing to the hospital.

Rose knew that Sue would keep the children overnight but they had likely been traumatized by what they had seen. She needed to be there for them since Bella couldn't right now.

"We should probably go pick up the kids," Rose stated her voice gravelly from the exertion.

"Do you really think that is the best idea?" Jasper questioned softly.

"They need family right now," Rose replied standing up and placing a gentle kiss on Bella's forehead. "They have been through so much today."

Jasper stood sighing as he moved to stand next to her.

"How are we going to tell Edward?"

"No clue," Rose sighed, "but it needs to be done and fairly quickly."

--

Rose stood against the side of the building, Jasper standing next to her. The fresh air was refreshing. The minute the thought crossed her thoughts she once again felt guilty. Holding the phone unsteadily in her hand she powered it on, ignoring her voicemails she pressed the speed dial.

"Rose I have been trying to get a hold of you."

She steadied her voice and resolve before responding. "I see that."

"Do you and Jasper ever pick up your phones?"

The mindless chatter spurred her heart on and she could feel it drumming in her ears. She needed to be honest, needed to own up to her mistake. "Jasper was with me and our phones were turned off, therefore we didn't know you were calling until we turned them back on."

"Why did you turn your phone off? I needed to get a hold of you." Edward sounded annoyed and Rose couldn't help but wonder how he would feel when he found out why their phones were off.

"I'm here now," she sighed, tears stinging at her eyes. She was exhausted.

"You said you were with Jasper?"

Rose pulled the phone away from her ears tears running down her cheeks.

"I can't do it." She whispered to Jasper. He moved closer to her taking the phone from her hands and placing his free hand on her shoulder.

"Hey Edward, I'm going to tell you something and I need you not to panic." Jasper kept his voice calm and Rose was amazed at his ability to control his emotions. She was surprised that she could still hear Edward talking as he answered Jasper.

"That's fine but I need to let you know that I am on my way home. My flight leaves in 10 minutes."

"He's on his way home," Jasper growled to Rose his eyes wide.

"We should wait until he gets here to tell him," Rose stated stress clearly having an effect on her.

"We can't do that. We have already waited too long."

"That is probably a good thing," Jasper spoke hesitantly leading him into the conversation.

"What do you mean?" Edward asked confusion evident in his voice.

"Bella is in the hospital."

"What do you mean Bella is in the hospital?" Edwards voice rose and Rose could picture him losing control in the airport and being detained by security. Grabbing the phone from Jasper she looked at him and mouthed _sorry_ as she lifted the phone up .

"We have to go Edward; we will explain when you get here," Before he could respond she clicked the end call button.

"What the fuck?" Jasper stated looking at her in awe.

"Trust me," Rose stated, "It's better if he doesn't know how bad it is. We don't want him losing control in the airport and getting detained by security."

"You are so dead when he gets here," Jasper's voice was filled with awe.

"I would expect nothing less."

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites! **

**Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile! **

**A few of you asked so I thought I would clarify: **_**A sneak peek is emailed out to those that review… This sneak peek is different, however, from the one posted on the forums!**_


	34. Breakdown

**Breakdown**

"_Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?  
Forgive my broken promise that you`ll never see me cry  
And everything, it will surely change even if I tell you I won`t go away today  
Will you think that you`re all alone  
When no one`s there to hold your hand?  
And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary, rest your head  
I`m permanent"  
Permanent- David Cook_

**Mood Music: Permanent by David Cook, Hallelujia by Jeff Buckley, and Bella's Lullaby **

The rage Edward felt was nothing compared to the fear he now held in his heart for Bella. Not only was her life in danger, but also the life of their unborn girl. His pacing became more insistent and his eyes fixated on the phone in his hand.

Rosalie had a lot of nerve hanging up on him and, after he made sure Bella was alright, he would deal with her as well. While he realized that most likely she was worried sick, the way she had handled things had him seriously questioning his trust in her.

If Edward was truly honest with himself, he blamed himself for the predicament Bella was now in. If he had refused to leave her side, refused to go to the conference, then he would be by her side at that very moment and it was unlikely she would be in the hospital.

As Edward boarded the plane his thoughts were consumed with Bella and the baby. While it was difficult to picture, his mind taunted him with images of what would happen if she did not make it. The thought made him sick and his stomach rolled. Quickly suppressing the urge, Edward leaned his head against the headrest, his eyes staring out the window, but not really seeing.

He couldn't get home soon enough.

--

Edward exited the plane his eyes scanning the crowd reaching Jasper fairly quickly. Rose was not with him and Edward was angered and relieved at the same time.

"She is at the hospital with Bella," Jasper stated noticing Edward's questioning look. "She doesn't like to leave her alone."

"What the fuck happened?" Edward growled shifting his duffle bag from one shoulder to another, the frustration clearly evident in his voice.

"I'm not exactly sure," Jasper muttered, "But the gist of it is that Bella got up while Rose was sleeping to cook. She collapsed in the kitchen, a black out or something. Alice and Emmett found her or must have heard her and they woke Rose up."

Edward nodded curtly, quickly making his way to Jasper's car and throwing his things in the back seat.

"I think I need to warn you about something before we get to the hospital."

Edward looked at him, feeling more tired than he had in such a long time.

"Bella is still pretty unresponsive and the doctors are having a hard time figuring out what is wrong with her. They know it is something with her heart they are just unsure of what it is. The thing is," Jasper looked over at him for a moment as he pulled out of his parking spot, "Bella is in the critical care unit."

Edward could feel his heart plummet into his stomach and, cursing under his breath, he reached into his bag, pulling the pamphlet out. The words still rang in his head and he cursed himself for not noticing the symptoms sooner. He should have seen the signs.

"I know what is wrong with her Jasper; I'm just not sure how to treat it. I need to look at the book in my office again, but I'm pretty sure it's treatable if we aren't too late in diagnosing."

--

The harsh overhead lights made Bella look paler than she actually was. Her hair lay behind her limply making a halo around her head. She wore an oxygen mask, and had a steady drip of fluids that were entering her system through an IV.

Pushing down his feelings of growing resentment towards Rose, Edward entered the room and stood by her side, looking down at her broken body. Two monitors beeped consecutively, one recording Bella's heartbeat the other the baby's. Both seemed to be fairly strong.

Leaning down he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, clenching his eyes tight to push back the tears.

"I'm here love," he whispered softly in her ear. Edward looked up noticing her eyes weren't opening. He could feel the tears falling and he nuzzled his head against the side of her face and neck, letting out a gentle sob. "I'm here and I'm going to take care of you."

Reaching around her, Edward scooped her up in his arms, pulling her close to him. "This is where I belong," he sobbed sinking to his knees next to the bed. Closing his eyes, his body rushed with emotions that overwhelmed him and his heart cried out in despair.

Pulling himself up onto the bed, Edward lay next to her burying his head into her hair, inhaling her scent and calming his heart if only for a moment. Resting her head against his chest his eyes finally focused on his next task.

Rose stood on the other side of the room, her arms crossed over her chest. She looked like she hadn't slept in weeks and Edward could clearly see the streaks where tears had been running down her face.

"What happened?" He lifted his eyes away from Bella and looked up at Rose, trying to control his anger. "What could have possibly possessed you to hang up on me?" His words came out gravely from his sobbing and it sounded like he was growling at her.

"I figured it would be better to tell you the specifics once you got here. I didn't want there to be an incident at the airport and for you to get detained by security. And don't even think of telling me that you wouldn't have thrown an absolute fit, I know you better than that."

"You had no right to make that decision for me, NO RIGHT to hand me that kind of news and then hang up on me." Edward's voice began to rise and he could see a few nurses standing outside the door of the room. Moving himself out from underneath Bella he stood up and began to pace the room.

"Do you have ANY idea what you put me through? Any idea of the torment that you caused me? You had no FUCKING right to do that to me! I don't care how _certain_ you were that I would cause a scene. YOU were responsible for her; you were taking care of her." His eyes looked up at her, anger seeping through him as the next words left his lips. "It's _your fault_ she is in here!"

Edward could feel Jasper placing a hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him. His breath was coming in pants and he looked at the entryway noticing the crowd that stood, watching the doctor fall apart.

"Get out Rose."

"WHAT?" Jasper and Rose spoke simultaneously.

"I said get out. If I have to call security I will."

Rose looked at him, mouth agape. She looked like she might burst into tears again at any moment. Edward couldn't find it in him to care. She looked up at him, eyes bristling with tears. "Edward I…"

"I don't need excuses that you feed to me just to make yourself feel better. If you want to help then leave."

The nurses stood in the doorway; he could see the whispers bristling through the crowd. It didn't matter; his reputation, their thoughts, the gossip. None of it mattered if Bella was unhealthy.

"I will pick up the kids from the daycare downstairs, it closes in an hour and I have a feeling you will want to stay here tonight." Rose whispered softly, her eyes not meeting his. "I _will_ take _care _of them and make sure that they stay _safe_." Her eyes rose, meeting his for a moment and he saw a determination in them. "I _will_ be visiting Bella tomorrow whether you like it or not. If _you_ have a problem with it I suggest _you_ are not in the room when I arrive."

--

Edward sat at his desk, head in his hands. He had let his anger get the best of him. While Rose was wrong in her actions, he was as well in kicking her out of the room. He had never gotten more glares and whispers from the nurses.

Picking up his Current Medical and Diagnostic Treatment Manual (CMDT), Edward flipped to the section staring down at the words in front of him.

_Peripartum Cardiomyopathy_

_Cardiac failure that develops during pregnancy or during the first 6 months postpartum in women without a history of heart disease and with no cause for heart failure other than pregnancy._

The words rang around in his head and he shook it in amazement that it had taken him so long to figure out. Each and every one of her symptoms fit the book almost perfectly. It was, as his father would say, _a perfect textbook example._

_Symptoms include difficulty breathing, dyspnea (passing out), edema (swelling), cough, frequent urination, excessive weight gain, palpitations, and chest pain. _

The irony of the fact that Edward had spent so much time studying pregnancy ailments did not elude him. Leave it to Bella to develop something completely unrelated to her pregnancy and yet caused by it.

While a diagnosis was now present, it did little to help alleviate his concerns over her coma-like state. If she had indeed passed out normally, she should have been awake by now. This told him that her heart was most likely in worse shape than they knew.

The thought scared him. He read through the treatment options, scanning the drug list as he went.

_Treatment includes immunosuppressive therapy, diuretics, and Beta blockers; often anticoagulation medicine is given due to the high risk of stroke. Subsequent pregnancy needs to be avoided._

Edward knew almost immediately that anticoagulation medicine could not be used. Not only would it put Bella's life in danger during birth, but also the life of their unborn child. The thought of her having a stroke seemed to make his heart stutter and cry out. There had to be a way they could treat her without harming her even further, or harming the child.

Bella was only six and a half months along. It was too soon to induce labor.

The minute the thought entered his head, he ushered it out. Bella would have had a fit if she knew that he had even remotely considered it. Running his hands through his hair, he read through the manual once again. His eyes froze over the last sentence, the implications bouncing through his head.

_Subsequent pregnancy needs to be avoided._

Bella would never be able to have children again. The thought tore his heart open more than he would like to admit. He knew that there were other ways; that if they decided they wanted more children that it could happen. This thought did little to soothe the steady ache that had formed in the pit of his stomach.

How would she take this news?

Hell, he wasn't even sure how he was taking the news. Resting his head against the desk, Edward let the tears fall. His quiet sobs did little to drown out the buzzing silence of the room. If he was going to be her doctor, he would have to pull himself together; act professional. He wasn't sure he could do it.

There were very few cardiologists that Edward truly trusted at the hospital, and even fewer doctors he would trust Bella's life with. He would be the most likely candidate for giving her the best possible care but he also knew that being impartial would be impossible.

A knock on his door broke him from his thoughts and Edward looked up at the door and Jasper who stood leaning against the doorjamb.

"Come on in."

"And join the pity party?" Jasper questioned his eyebrows knit in worry. "Aren't you supposed to be taking care of her right now?"

"I don't know that I have it in me to be her doctor, Jasper."

Jasper plopped down in the chair in front of his desk, his hands nervously twitching in his lap. He looked Edward up and down, his frown increasing. "How bad is it?" he asked concern etching his featured.

"Her heart is failing."

"But it is fixable?" Jasper questioned confusion evident on his face.

"Usually."

"Define usually," Jasper whispered.

Edward sighed throwing his head back against the chair. His eyes burned from the tears he had shed and he knew he looked like a mess. He looked at Jasper sitting in front of him and felt the tears welling once again.

Jasper seemed to sense his inner turmoil and he lifted himself out of the seat coming to stand next to Edward. The moment Jaspers hand touched Edward's shoulder he broke down, the sobs escaping his lips.

"Let it out man." Jasper stated soothingly.

"I can't do this," Edward sobbed. "I can't be strong for both of us. I thought I could but I can't. I need her, Jasper. I need her like I need air. I can't live without her. Seeing her lying in that bed, so helpless, so weak, it breaks something inside of me. It's like I'm not fully here. I don't trust myself to make decisions on her medical care because there is no way they will be impartial."

His breathing came in pants as he continued to speak.

"I can't have her life in my hands. If I lost her, if something happened I would never forgive myself. I would have that on my hands, on my conscience for the rest of my life. I don't know if you can even begin to understand the depth of my love for her, for them. I would give my own life for her and our daughter."

"So what are you going to do?" Jasper questioned softly.

"Call the one doctor I can trust Bella's life with; trust with my heart. My father."

**I did a lot of research for these next few chapters… In this chapter all definitions and descriptions of PPCM are taken from CMDT 2008.**

_**Special thanks to my beta Pixielovestoshop for looking this over so quickly and for the song recommendations! You rock ;)**_

**I'm so amazed by the reception for the last chapter! I can't believe that I received over 50 reviews! You guys truly are amazing! Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites! **

**Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile! **


	35. Darkness

**Darkness**

"_I am finding out that maybe I was wrong  
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone  
Stay with me, This is what I need, Please.  
Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you  
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?  
I am nothing now and it's been so long  
Since I have heard the sound, the sound of my only hope  
This time I will be listening.  
This heart, it beats, beats only for you  
My heart is yours."  
My Heart- Paramore_

**Mood Music: My Heart by Paramore, Yours by Dizmas, Beethoven's Romance #1**

**Sorry this took so long to get out. On Saturday my computer crashed and since I didn't have a backup copy I lost everything. Now that my computer is working again updates should be more regular.**

**This chapter is in Bella's perspective and is meant to be hazy and a bit unclear…**

Bella's eyes fluttered as she tried to open them; being unsuccessful she listened to the deafening silence around her. She knew from the subtle beeping that she was in a hospital but it did little to assuage her concerns. A million thoughts flashed through her mind and she felt the panic rise in her. Her chest tightened and she wanted to cry out, to scream out in pain but the words wouldn't escape her lips. An alarm bell sounded and for the second time, everything went black.

--

Her mind felt hazy, as if she was in a daze. She tried to concentrate on the burning light overhead, tried to focus her eyes on the person standing in front of her, but the brightness was too much. It was too overwhelming. Closing her eyes she squeezed them tightly, a stray tear falling down her cheek.

She could feel someone gently wipe it away, a whisper of a touch on her face. Her throat burned, as if she was consumed by thirst, she wanted to open her mouth and beg for water, for something to assuage the steady pain. Her lips didn't move.

--

Thoughts of Edward consumed her. Images of him smiling, burned into her memory, seemed to taunt her inability to open her eyes and look at him. She knew he was there beside her, the strength and warmth from his arms, which were wrapped around her, was her only constant. The moments he did part from her she felt lost, empty, alone. It was almost as if he had taken her soul with him when he left.

It terrified her.

Sometimes she could hear him whispering softly into her ear. Each word hazy and inconsequential, the mere fact that he was there bringing her comfort. Other times his words of devotion were clear. He made promises, spoke of his love for her and their unborn child.

Bella fought to open her eyes, fought to lift the haze that had settled over both her mind and body. She fought to move her fingers, her hands, her toes; each time finding it harder and harder to come up with the energy to fight.

--

Her arm burned as if it was on fire, all consuming and taking over her thoughts. She could feel the flow of fluids as the IV was started. It created a rushing sensation that was particularly unpleasant. The medicine stung as it entered her veins; her body burning and tingling as it made its way through her system.

Bella's eyes watered at the sensation and she wanted to scream out in despair. Fighting the darkness that loomed over her heavily, she opened her lips a gasp escaping from her mouth.

"Did you hear that?" Edward spoke his voice was louder than normal and she was shocked she could hear him clearly.

"I did, son, I did."

--

She found that her eyelids didn't feel as heavy as they once had. Fluttering them slowly, once and then twice, she opened her eyes squinting at the darkness around her. It was night time that much was clear from the lack of light in the room.

Her body ached with the effort it took but she forced her eyes to remain open. They scanned through the darkness looking for something or someone to ground her to this moment. The back of her head throbbed in pain and she groaned in despair, her eyes fluttering closed for a moment.

It took more effort to open them the second time and she realized she was wearing herself out, getting weak from the exertion. Her eyes opened minutely, but it was long enough.

_He_ sat in front of her, eyes focused on her. His eyes met hers for a moment and he gasped. She watched the tears of hope fill his eyes as hers became too heavy to hold open any longer. They closed shut and she fought to reopen them, pushing all her energy into it.

They fluttered once but she was so tired, so exhausted from the exertion.

"I'm here my Bella," she heard him whisper in her ear. His arms snaked around her and she felt herself wrapped in warmth. "Fight for _me_, love."

His soft sobs broke through the darkness and she could feel the cool tears hitting her neck. He was in so much pain, filled with so much sorrow, all for her. His breathing stuttered and eventually evened out. The gentle and steady rush told her that he had fallen asleep.

--

It was quiet and dark but something was tugging on the hinges, making her thoughts shake and tremble. There was movement and noise. Something was happening.

"She WAS awake." Edward's voice broke through, ripping her from her silence.

"Son, you haven't been sleeping. It's very likely you imagined it or dreamed it. I'm so sorry but she has only been showing minor signs of improvement."

His sobs broke her heart and tore at her soul. She fought her way relentlessly to the surface. Fought to open her eyes, to call out to him, to do something to let him know that she was okay; that she knew he was here.

Her eyes refused to open, too heavy in her weakened state for her to open.

Pushing all her energy into a single effort her mouth opened and a single breathy word tumbled out.

"Edward."

--

Another rush of medicine, another day of burning.

The medicine makes her feel stronger, makes her heart race and it's almost as if she can feel the blood flowing throughout her body. Something moves in her stomach and startles her for a moment. She realizes after a moment it's their baby kicking and tumbling inside of her.

She wishes she could tell Edward what she feels, wishes in some way she could share this moment with him. As if knowing what she is thinking or feeling she feels a hand touching her belly and then hears his gentle gasp.

"The baby is kicking."

There is a rush of movement and several hands touch her. Normally she would have been put off by all the attention, but it feels right in a way. A sigh escapes through her lips and she hears two gasps and a steady chuckle.

"She is slowly waking up. The medicine is working."

He receives no response but she feels his lips gently press against her stomach and then her forehead. It comforts her immensely and Bella wishes she could reach out and kiss him in return, wishes she could thank him for staying by her side.

The love she feels is unimaginable.

--

The medicine continues to drip into her system and her body is now used to the subtle burn. Bella has no idea how long she has been out for, no idea whether it is day or night. But she does feel the steady pressure of Edward next to her. She feels her strength growing and knows that whatever medicine Edward is giving her, its working.

Fighting the urge to open her eyes and look at him once again, she saves her energy; storing it up slowly. She no longer has to fight the darkness that once oppressed down on her and she knows if she wanted to open her eyes she could do it with little effort.

But it isn't enough to open her eyes for a moment. She knows she needs to wake up and so she waits, steadily building up strength. Her heart continues to beat quicker than normal, but it doesn't bother her if it is what she needs then she will gladly deal with the uncomfortable feeling.

--

She finally feels strong enough and the itch is large enough that she wiggles her fingers to test the water. She is acutely aware that they move and that there is something lying underneath them. Her hand clenches around it and it moves. It takes her a moment to realize that it is Edward.

He clenches her hand tightly and she can almost picture the smile on his face as he realizes what has happened. Suddenly he is there, very there, and coaching her to open her eyes for him once again. The words come out worshipful, almost like a prayer.

"Please Bella, you can do it, please god open your eyes. Look at me, baby, come on I know you can do it."

And suddenly she knows that she can as well. Her eyes flutter open and then shut immediately stinging from the brightness of the room. As if he understands her reaction she feels him move away from her and can tell that the lights are switched off, the curtains closed.

He moves next to her, taking her hand and squeezing once again. This time when she opens her eyes they burn, not from brightness but from lack of use. Her eyes meet his and his smile is dazzling. Tears are steadily flowing down his face and his breathing is ragged.

Edward has never looked more beautiful.

He leans down and places a peck on her lips that she tries unsuccessfully to reciprocate. He notices and leans down kissing her once again. This time she returns it, her hand moving slowly before laying against his face for just a moment. It drops down to the bed in weakness.

He pulled back then and looked down into her eyes, his smile growing by the minute.

"There you are," his words are breathy and full of emotion. His eyes never break from hers even as she hears others entering the room. "There you are." He repeats as he looks deep into her eyes in awe.

**The time is left hazy on purpose as Bella doesn't even know how long she has been out for. You will find out more about how long Bella has been out and what they have been treating her with in the next chapter.**

**Not quite finished… but getting closer to the finish line! Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites! **

**Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile! **


	36. Only You

**Only You**

"_I am finding out that maybe I was wrong  
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone  
Stay with me, This is what I need, Please.  
Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you  
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?  
I am nothing now and it's been so long  
Since I have heard the sound, the sound of my only hope  
This time I will be listening.  
This heart, it beats, beats only for you  
My heart is yours."  
My Heart- Paramore_

**Mood Music: My Heart by Paramore, Yours by Dizmas, Beethoven's Romance #1**

**I know I didn't get a sneak peak out... This chapter was one of the more difficult ones for me to write because I wanted to incorporate both present and past in a way that didn't seem cheesy. Hopefully it worked**

**Italics are memories.**

_Edward stood in the hallway, his hand tugging incessantly on the ends of his hair. Jasper stood next to him a hand of support placed on his shoulder. He had been making some rounds, he wasn't gone twenty minutes and yet the scene before him was immensely different._

_Carlisle exited the room a gentle frown on his face._

"_What happened?" Edward growled his eyes scanning over her room still packed with hospital workers._

"_I'm not quite sure," Carlisle looked into his son's eyes, "I was down the hall putting some orders in and the next thing I know her alarms are going off. All of them."_

"_What does it mean?" Edward felt lost and from the look on his father's face he realized he probably looked it too._

"_She isn't responsive. Her heart is doing poorer than we originally thought and it's put her in a type of coma."_

"_So get her out of it."_

"_It isn't that simple son; you and I both know that."_

There is noise all around him, a general hustle and bustle of people. Each moves in and out of view as he buries his head in her hair taking deep breaths, breathing her in. Edward's eyes are still filled with tears, steadily and slowly streaming down his face. Her hair blocks this site to others but he knows that she can feel it, that she is aware; because she is awake.

_It was rather late at night, but that did little to comfort Edward or lull him to sleep. While the hospital was rather quiet, two machines steadily beeped and blipped. A subtle glimpse at what Bella and the baby's hearts were doing. The noise wasn't what was keeping him awake; after all it couldn't drown out the noise of his thoughts._

_She had been here for a month._

_Edward could feel himself slowly losing hope, letting the negative thoughts of everyone around him consume him. He was a doctor after all, and he knew all of the facts, all of the statistics. The outcome wasn't looking good._

_He found his eyes tracing the outline of her face as he willed the ever present burning in his eyes to go away. He wasn't strong enough for her. He was weak. He had been crying way too much._

_Closing his eyes for a moment he could picture her beautiful brown eyes looking up at him, giving him strength. His eyes opened and met hers._

_He gasped and the tears began to fall._

_For a moment, a very brief moment, they connected. And then her eyes closed once again. He could see her eyelids fluttering, fighting to open and the hope he had lost roared through his body._

"_I'm here my Bella." His voice was weak and he prayed she could hear him. "Fight for me love."_

_He buried his face in her neck, his tears streaking both of their skin. He clung to her, clung to the knowledge that she was there and finally released the sobs he had been holding back._

He hears his father talking and drowns him out, instead focusing on making his breathing match hers. She had been asleep for a long time, too long. Each movement of her body makes his body sing in delight. He knew she would wake up.

He _knew_ it.

_There was a soft knock on the door and Edward looked up, laying his book on the table next to him his eyes meeting his fathers._

"_The nurse said that you wanted to see me son."_

_Edward sat up a bit more, his face beaming in pride as his fingers gently stroked Bella's hand affectionately. "She woke up last night. I was sitting in here and she just opened her eyes and looked at me."_

_His father looked at him, not saying anything and Edward immediately recognized the face. The pit of his stomach dropped and he could feel the anger building inside of him._

"_She WAS awake."_

_Carlisle studied him for a moment before pity crossed his features. Edward watched him make his way across the room to stand beside him. "Son, you haven't been sleeping. It's very likely you imagined it or dreamed it. I'm so sorry but she has only been showing minor signs of improvement."_

"_I'm not imagining it DAD," the word was growled out and Carlisle took a step back sighing as he pinched the bridge of his nose._

"_Son," his eyes were filled with sorrow, something Edward wasn't expecting and didn't wish to see, "We're just trying to keep the baby healthy."_

_The words struck him like a bucket of cold eyes and he looked up at his father._

"_I'm sorry son."_

_His sobs filled the room and the tears ran down his face. He looked at the love of his life, lying helpless and stood; his body was shaking. He moved to be closer to her, moved to touch her once again, to will her to wake up and prove to his father. He made it two steps before he crumpled on the floor._

_Carlisle sat next to him, gently rubbing his hand along Edward's back listening to the sobs escape his lips. Both men were startled by a gentle groan, each raising their head and looking at the body lying in bed._

"_Edward."_

_Pushing all of his energy into his movement he made it to the bed, quickly lying next to her and stroking her hair._

"_Don't worry love," he whispered, "I'm not giving up on you."_

"We gave you a combination of medicines. Some of them such as the beta-blocker were to help keep you stable. Others were to try and counteract the effects of the medication on the baby." Carlisle continued to speak and Edward continued to drown him out.

"Will it have any effect on the baby?" Bella questioned, concerned about the health and safety of her child.

"We've been monitoring it and haven't noticed any changes, but there is no guarantee. Our priority has always been to keep you two as healthy and as safe as possible."

She nodded in acknowledgement and her hair tickled his face making him nuzzle it into her neck. Carlisle cleared his throat and Edward pulled back letting his father see his tear streaked face.

"Perhaps I should let you and Edward speak privately and I can explain the rest later." A moment later the room is clear of people. It's quiet, and surprisingly comfortable.

Edward places his hand on her belly tenderly, lovingly stroking the bump.

_Edward sits with Jasper and Rose. There is an uncomfortable silence that fills the room and Edward doesn't know what to do to break it. He and Rose were still not on the best terms and the tension it causes only seems to create more stress for him._

_And that is something he doesn't need._

_His eyes are burning from lack of sleep and he knows that he needs to get some rest, but he doesn't feel comfortable leaving her. And just the thought of it causes a hole in his chest that makes his body ache. He suddenly feels too far away._

_He reaches his hand out laying it gently on her stomach, feeling himself relax once again. It only takes a moment for him to realize what he is feeling and a gasp escapes his lips, followed by a smile._

"_The baby is kicking." His voice is filled with awe and love and he wonders if Bella is aware, if she can feel it._

_Rose and Jasper move to touch her stomach as well, each smiling in joy at the subtle movement. Edward is suddenly happy that they are there, that he has someone to share this moment with and his eyes fill with tears._

_A sigh flutters through the room and Jasper and Rose pull back looking shocked._

"_She is slowly waking up," Edward says his voice filled with pride. "The medicine is working."_

_Leaning down he places a kiss against her stomach and then her forehead. It brings him comfort knowing that the baby is still alright, that Bella is still in there. He will not leave her side._

"How long have I been asleep for?" Her eyes search his nervously and he finds himself running his hands through his hair. Her eyes are devastatingly beautiful to him and he finds himself wanting to hide in them, to not have to deal with more problems.

"For a while."

"Edward?" He knows the tone, and has heard her use it before and hearing it now has no less affect on him. Her eyes leave him and look down at her protruding stomach, her hand gently running across the swollen flesh. "I'm quite a bit bigger."

He winces at this and leans down placing a kiss on her head. "You were six and a half months along when you went under."

Bella nodded her head willing him to continue.

"You are now eight and a half months along."

"I've been out for TWO months?" She gasped in alarm and he quickly wraps his arms around her, hushing and calming her as her breathing spikes.

_His arms are wrapped around her, holding her to him, clinging to her. Although Bella doesn't respond Edward can feel the heat of her body, the movement of her chest as she breathes, and he finds this soothing. _

_He was forced to leave her to check on a patient, and he didn't like it. His thoughts consumed him with worries the entire time he was away and he knew what he was going to have to do. He just wasn't sure how to do it._

_There was a knock at the door and his father entered, setting some paperwork on the bedside table._

"_What's that?" Edward asks._

"_The paperwork to take a leave of absence," Carlisle answers knowingly. "I filled out everything I could for you."_

_There is an unspoken moment between father and son, and Edward looks up at him gratefully. Family is his priority and suddenly it doesn't seem like such a silly thing to ask for._

Bella's breathing has calmed and she lays there looking up at him so fucking devastatingly beautiful that it makes his breathing hitch.

"Not you too." She jokes trying to lighten the heavy mood before she suddenly look serious. "I don't remember a lot from when I was out," her voice breaks as her eyes fill with tears. She looks up at him as she continues to speak, "but I remember the feeling of you holding me, of knowing I was safe, loved. I remember opening my eyes and looking into yours for a brief moment and I remember hearing you sob and calling out your name."

She moves her hand to lie in his hair, gently stroking it, and his chest tightens as she continues to talk.

"The medicine burned," her nose scrunched in distaste, "so badly that it felt like it was consuming me. But it didn't matter because you were there with me, by my side, holding me. I don't remember much, Edward, but I do remember the overwhelming love I felt for you."

Her voice broke as she pulled him closer. Their lips almost touching as she continued to speak.

"You never gave up hope, even when it seemed hopeless. You lost sleep, left your job, your family, to stay by my side. You brought me back from the darkness, each and every time I needed it. You brought me back Edward, only you."

She kisses him then, gently guiding him to her as her lips fold over his. The tears fall down his face, but he doesn't care and he isn't embarrassed.

Behind his eyes he pictures the moment she woke; the moment their eyes connected and he truly saw her. What was it he had said?

"_There you are."_

His mind replays this moment over and over as her lips fold over his. It isn't until now that he realizes he was speaking of himself as well. A part of him was missing while she was gone and she brought it back with her.

She brought it back to him.

_**Special thanks to my beta Pixielovestoshop for looking this over so quickly!**_

**Not quite finished… but getting closer to the finish line! Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites! I'm amazed by the response this story has gotten, you guys are awesome!**

**Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile! **


	37. Family

**Family**

"_I'll be your shoulder when you need someone to lean on.  
Be your shelter.  
When you need someone to see you through.  
I'll be there to carry you.  
I'll be there.  
I'll be the rock that will be strong for you.  
The one that will hold on to you.  
When you feel that rain falling down.  
When there's nobody else around.  
I'll be."  
I'll Be- Reba McEntire _

**Mood Music: I'll Be by Reba McEntire, Lullaby by Jack Johnson, Yours by Dizmas.**

"Mommy!"

Alice's excitement is contagious and Bella can hear more than see the small girl wiggling in Edward's arms. Pulling herself up into a sitting position, she looks over at her daughter smiling softly.

"Hi sweetie."

Edward sets her down, probably before he drops her, and he chuckles as the small girl launches herself into the bed and curls up next to Bella. She leans down placing a small kiss on Alice's forehead before looking up at Edward.

"Where is Emmett?"

"He is in the waiting room with Jasper. I wanted to give you two a few minutes to reconnect before I brought him in."

Bella looks at him for a moment a myriad of emotions filling her system. She isn't sure if it is because of everything that has happened or the fact that she is pregnant, but she is all over the place. The annoyance and anger she feels is unexpected.

"He should be in here with his family Edward." Bella snaps at him as she runs her hand through Alice's hair and the small girl giggles.

Edward looks at her for a moment and his eyebrow raises in question, most likely because of her response. "If you don't want a minute I can go get him." His voice is quiet as if he is afraid of saying the wrong thing.

She can feel the tears filling her eyes and spilling over before she even realizes she is upset. He lets out a gentle sigh before leaving the room. A moment later she hears the padding of feet and feels the bed shift.

"Bells!" Emmett is tugging on her blanket, a stuffed teddy bear in his hands and a huge smile on his face. "Ali and I got you a present." He holds the bear out to her tenderly and she takes it from his hands.

"Thank you sweetie."

Emmett studies Alice for a moment before a subtle pout makes its way onto his face.

"What's wrong honey?" Bella reaches down and runs a hand through his hair and the frown deepens on his face. Emmett looks over at his father for a moment before looking down at her blanket.

"Alice has a mommy to take care of her and I don't."

--

"Do you want to tell me what that was about?" Edward runs his hand through his hair in frustration as he plops down in the chair next to her. Jasper had just taken the children home for the night promising not to spoil them too badly.

"You're really asking me that?" Bella questioned him, the shock clearly evident in her voice.

"I understand that you are upset about something, I'm just not sure what. I'm not a mind reader Bella; if something is bothering you then you need to tell me."

"Fine, I think you handled today poorly." Bella huffed indignantly.

"And what prey tell did I do wrong?"

"What didn't you do wrong?" she muttered under her breath.

Edward lets out a low growl and Bella realizes that he heard her clearly, she looks up to see an annoyed look on her face and stubbornly she hardens her features as well.

"You don't mean that," Edward mumbles "you're just being hormonal."

Bella can feel the anger building and her mouth opens in shock. He looks at her for a moment before softly lowering his head and sighing. They sit for a moment staring at each other before his features soften and he looks defeated.

"I'm trying to do my best here Bella. When I'm at the hospital I feel like I am neglecting Emmett and Alice and when I am with them I feel like I should be here with you. This isn't easy for me and if I did something to upset you, I'm sorry. Please, please, tell me what is bothering you so that I can make it right."

"Other than the fact that I am and I quote 'just being hormonal.'" There is an edge to her tone and it only takes her a moment to realize how bitchy she is sounding. Tears fill her eyes and she leans her head back throwing her arm over her face to cover her eyes.

"Great and now you're crying." He whispers getting out of the chair and crawling into the bed with her. "I know losing two months of your life isn't an easy thing to accept, but it happened. The only thing that truly matters is that you and the baby are alright, don't you see that?"

"It's not that," she whimpers as the tears begin to fall down her face. "I mean I am upset about that, but that isn't what has me upset right now." She looks at him for a moment before letting a small chuckle escape her lips. "I'm sorry I'm so emotional."

"Its fine," he replies softly "please just tell me what is wrong."

"You don't think of us as a family."

He pulls back to look at her for a moment, confusion clearly evident on his face. "What would make you think that?"

"You left Emmett in the waiting room!"

"So you could have some time alone with Alice."

"I understand that and I love Alice but how do you think that looked to Emmett?" Bella questioned softly. "It wasn't fair of you to only bring one of them in and leave the other in the waiting room. He practically launched himself at me when he got in here and he was so excited." She took a deep breath and placed her hand on her belly as she continued to speak.

"We have another child on the way and I think that there are some issues that we need to discuss. We need to treat all three of _our_ children the same. We can't be showing favoritism or it's going to cause an irreparable rift between them."

Edward placed his hand on her belly and gently rubbed it as he looked at her a small smile on his face. "Our children, huh?"

"Yes," she smiled softly at him "our children. I know Emmett isn't my _biological_ child but that doesn't mean that I don't love him and I know that you love Alice. If we are truly going to make this work then there are going to have to be some changes because I don't feel like we are a cohesive family. Did you not hear his comment about not having a mother; did you not see the look on his face as he spoke those words?"

"I saw it," Edward frowned, his hand reaching up and tugging at his hair for a moment. "And it broke my heart."

"I want us to be a family, Edward. I want Emmett to feel like he has me in his life and Alice to feel like she has you in hers. I don't want there to be tension or strife. I don't want to feel like I can't speak up if Emmett is misbehaving and I don't want you to feel like you can't speak up if Alice is. I want him to be my son in whatever capacity you are willing and I want you to be a father figure for Alice."

He looked up at her for a moment before pulling her to him and kissing her lips softly. "You are pretty amazing and I would be honored to be there for Alice and for you to be there for Emmett. I'm sure that it isn't going to be the easiest transition, and there is a lot for us to talk about, but I'm willing to do it for all of us, for _our_ family."

Tears filled her eyes and Bella sighed laughing slightly as she wiped them away. "I promise these are happy ones not sad ones."

Edward chuckled softly as he lay next to her and placed a kiss on her forehead. Edward picked up the teddy bear lying next to him and placed it on her stomach causing her to smile.

"That was a nice move by the way."

"What?"

"The teddy bear from the kids," Bella looked at him smiling.

"It was from the kids!"

"I'm sure they came up with the idea all on their own as well."

Edward chuckled and blushed. "They picked the bear out."

"Uh huh."

--

Bella wasn't sure how long she had been asleep for but the gentle knock at the door brought her out of her dream and into the present. Edward was resting beside her, his mouth open and a soft snore escaping his lips.

"Bella?"

She rolled gently to the side, her hand on her stomach to steady herself and looked towards the door.

"Dr. Cullen you can come in."

"Please Bella, call me Carlisle," he spoke softly as he approached her bed. Sitting in the chair beside the bedside he looked over her shoulder for a moment. "He has been so worried about you."

"I know."

"He truly does love you."

"I love him too, Carlisle, more than you can imagine." Her voice broke with emotion and she saw him smile softly in response.

"I can tell." His eyes were distant for a moment before looking down at her and smiling. "I'm happy you two found each other."

There was a comfortable silence between them for a moment as Bella took in what he was saying.

"I'm actually here to talk about the upcoming birth of this little one, though. Normally I would let him sleep but we should probably wake Edward up for this."

Carlisle gently shook him awake before retaking his position on the chair.

"I'm here because I have some concerns that I feel I should discuss with you two before we continue on any treatment or birthing paths."

"What's wrong dad?" Edward asked his voice deeper after just being woken up.

"We're not quite sure how Bella's heart is going to handle the birth." He cleared his throat as he looked up into Bella's eyes. "How set are you on a natural childbirth?"

"I just want what is going to be best for the baby."

"And safest for you," Edward interjected quickly. "If natural birth will put Bella or the baby in danger then the obvious choice would be to have a cesarean section."

"Is that alright with you Bella?"

"If it is what is best for the baby, then yes."

"Alright," Carlisle checked something off on his list before looking up once again. "Now onto the question of when we should schedule this. I think it is in the best interest of all involved it we do it sooner rather than later."

"Isn't it better to wait until I am full term though?" Bella questioned.

"You are eight and a half months along, Bella." Carlisle answered "Medically we define full term as carrying the baby thirty five to forty weeks. Therefore in a medical sense you have carried to full term. The baby will be fully developed and fully functional outside of the womb if that is your concern."

"That was my concern," she replied softly as she processed everything Carlisle was telling her.

"I can book the surgical room for Monday. That is five days from now. Is this alright with the both of you?"

"The sooner the better," Edward replied his hands resting around her on her belly as he talked to his father. "Will you be doing the surgery or will another doctor?"

"Due to our concerns about her heart handling everything, there will be three doctors in the surgery room. I will be watching her vitals; another will be performing the surgery, the third will be administering the regional anesthetic. We feel a regional anesthetic will be better than a general anesthetic as this will be easier on her heart."

"Edward will be allowed in the room?" Bella questioned, concerned that he would miss it.

"Yes," Carlisle smiled "the entire time. Does everything we discussed sound alright with you?"

"Yes." Bella answered as Edward nodded behind her.

"I will get the ball rolling then," Carlisle got up and hugged her softly before tapping Edward lovingly on the shoulder.

"In five days I'm going to be a mother again." Bella replied turning her head to look at Edward.

"And I will be a daddy again." The smile on his face said it all.

**We're getting closer to the birth! I'm looking for recommendations for a baby name (girl of course)… I will not be using Renesmee! If you have a name you would like to submit let me know either through a PM, email, or in your review! I want something unique and with a special meaning. I have a few names picked out but am not crazy about them I would love to hear your suggestions! **

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites! I'm amazed by the response this story has gotten, you guys are awesome!**

**Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile! **


	38. Almost

**Almost**

_Untouchable like a distant diamond sky.  
__I'm reachin out and I just can't tell you why.  
__I'm caught up in you, I'm caught up in you.  
__Untouchable burnin brighter than the sun  
__And when you're close I feel like comin undone.  
Untouchable- Taylor Swift_

**Mood Music: Untouchable by Taylor Swift, Carry you Home by James Blunt, Beethoven Symphony No. 9**

There were few things Edward would ever say he regretted in his life, leaving earlier that morning was now holding the top spot on his list. He paced listlessly back and forth across the tiny room; constantly shooting worried glances at the people slumped in the chairs around him.

Rosalie looked stressed to a degree that almost made her look haggard. While they still had not reconciled their differences, he couldn't help but appreciate that she was present. Jasper on the other hand looked manically alert, his eyes darting back and forth following each of Edward's steps. He looked ready to crack under the pressure, something that Edward was desperately trying hard not to do.

And then there was his mother whose eyes never seemed to leave his face. He almost wondered if she was waiting for him to break down and crumble before her eyes. At the moment the idea didn't seem like such a bad one. The only thing stopping him was the two sleeping children in the chair next to his mother.

Emmett and Alice lay across two chairs, each clinging to the other. Bella's small stuffed bear lay between them acting as a buffer to the world around them. Edward stood for a moment, memorizing the way their bodies clung to the object like a security blanket.

He instantly wished he had something to cling to, his eyes watering and tearing.

He couldn't stand still for too long, his legs moving once again back and forth. They ached from the constant movement but he couldn't stop moving, couldn't sit still, because if he did then he would have to think about it.

And that was something he wasn't ready to do just yet.

--

**-Eight Hours Earlier-**

Sunlight filtered through the blinds and shined on his face. Burying his head in the pillow Edward let out a soft groan, smiling as he heard the tinkling laughter beside him.

"This bed is so uncomfortable," Edward mumbled pulling Bella closer to him and nudging his nose into her hair, inhaling the scent.

"You're just lucky the nurse has a soft spot for you and is letting you stay overnight." Her laughter continued to flow and the sound only seemed to make his heart soar.

"What can I say; I have a way with the ladies."

"Yeah and it didn't have anything to do with the food you had delivered for all the nurses or the fact that you _begged_."

"I recall no such thing," Edward murmured burying his face deeper in her hair to hide the smile on his face.

He could almost feel her rolling her eyes as she snorted causing a gentle chuckle to escape his lips.

"You're living in denial," she whispered nudging her face against his forehead before tucking it underneath his chin.

A knock on the door a few minutes later regretfully pulled them apart. Rolling out of the bed Edward sat in the chair beside her looking down at the tray of hospital food in front of her.

"That looks almost as good as it smells." The sarcasm in his voice couldn't be masked.

Bella looked down at the food her nose wrinkling in distaste. The lumpy oatmeal and wheat toast didn't look appetizing in the least and Edward looked over at her noticing the frown now present on her face.

"Seriously? This is what I get for breakfast?" Her face was a mixture of both disgust and anger. "I don't even have anything to spread on the toast and there is no milk for the oatmeal."

For a moment he wondered if she was going to cry and then he watched as she pushed the tray away letting out a soft sigh.

"You need to eat, Bella." He gently prodded pulling the table and tray back in front of her and frowning as she groaned in protest.

"I'm not eating that."

"The baby needs the nourishment."

"Well then the cafeteria will have to send me something that _actually _contains nourishment."

Edward looked down at the food his stomach growling in hunger. He contemplated it for a moment before noting that he wouldn't eat the food either.

"It's heart healthy though." Trying to reason with Bella wasn't the smartest thing to do, but it was the only thing his mind could come up with at the moment.

"I don't care if it will make all of my troubles go away," Bella screeched, "I am _not_ eating _that._"

"You need to eat something."

"Then go get me some food that I would actually consider edible," Bella muttered shaking her head in disgust. "You can go home and shower as well. Don't take this the wrong way but you kind of stink."

Edward glanced at the clothes he had been wearing for more than a day and nodded his head in agreement. Truthfully he probably did stink and a shower and food sounded more amazing then Bella probably realized.

"What would you like me to bring you back?"

"Pancakes," her voice was excited and her eyes glazed over causing him to chuckle, "with butter and syrup, a fried egg, and some bacon or sausage." She looked at him for a moment before smiling softly and fluttering her eyes at him. She was trying to flirt and it didn't pass Edward's notice. "If it wouldn't be too much trouble I would also love some hash browns and orange juice."

"You're supposed to be eating healthy foods," Edward chastised softly.

"I won't tell if you won't," she whispered winking at him as he shook his head.

"I think I can compromise a little bit since you are eating for two," Edward mumbled, "but don't tell my father."

"Don't tell your father what?"

The voice startled Edward and he looked down at Bella whose eyes were wide and focused on the door. Edward turned around smiling softly at his Mother and Rose who stood in the door equal looks of amusement and confusion etched on their face.

"Edward is busting me out of this joint!" Bella squealed.

"That is not what is happening," he replied his hands held in the air in surrender as Bella giggled behind him. "I'm just going to go home and take a shower. I may also be picking her up some food that is a bit more edible than the gruel they are trying to serve her."

The subtle tisk that escaped his mother's lips wasn't unnoticed by him, but Edward chose to ignore it. Instead he leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on Bella's lips causing her to smile.

"Love you," she whispered.

"Love you too," he replied kissing her forehead before smiling at the other ladies in the room. "Take care of her while I am gone."

--

Edward stood under the hot water, letting it soothe his aching muscles and ease the tension in his back. Sleeping in a hospital bed wasn't restful and it wasn't comfortable. The fact that he had gotten little sleep didn't matter when he thought about it; as long as he was by Bella's side he could deal with anything.

He could hear the distant ringing of his phone as he washed the soap out of his hair and sighed into the empty stall. Bella was most likely _starving_ and Rose was wondering where he was with the food. The feel of the water on his muscles was just too nice to leave so quickly, and he ignored it hoping they wouldn't be too upset at having to wait a little longer.

He stood in the shower after he had thoroughly washed himself and just let the hot water run in rivulets down his body. The action only continued to relax him and clear his mind from the cobwebs that seemed to be present from the lack of sleep. After a few minutes, sighing, he turned the water off and hopped out wrapping a towel around his waist and making a b-line for the phone.

It rang just as he picked it up.

"Edward, where the hell are you?" Rosalie's panicked voice shouted through his phone speaker and he looked at the object annoyed for a moment.

"I ran home to clean up a bit and pick up a few things. I'll be back with the food in just a bit."

There was a lot of noise on her end and his brown scrunched in confusion. The noise only seemed to swell and he could hear voices in the background. For a moment swore he could hear bells going off. "What is with all the noise? Bella is supposed to be relaxing."

"Drop whatever you're doing. Get. To. The. Hospital. NOW!" Each word was punctuated with a deep growl and Edward looked at the phone in confusion.

"What's going on?"

"Bella's gone into labor."

"But it's only Friday, she has a scheduled c-section on Monday."

"Edward," her voice broke and the word came out in a sob. He could clearly hear the alarms now and his chest constricted tightly cutting off his breathing.

The phone slipped from his hands and he looked around the room, panic filling his chest. Carlisle didn't think her heart would be able make it through labor. His father's words echoed around his head and he felt dizzy. Grabbing the closest clothes he could find he threw them on picking up the phone his breath coming out in pants.

"I'll be there in five minutes."

--

He drove like a bat out of hell, pulling into an emergency spot and racing into the hospital. Ignoring the calls from several nurses to slow down he bypassed the elevator, not wanting to waist the time waiting for it. Opening the stairwell door he ran as quickly as he could up the seven flights of stairs, his breathing ragged as he came to a halt outside her room.

The effort was in vain and he could feel the panic rippling inside of him; the room was empty.

The panic continued to build in his chest only worsening his breathing problem and causing several people to turn and stare at him.

"Where is she?" he questioned the nurse nearest to him.

"Edward!" his mother called and he jerked his head around. She was quickly making her way towards him, her breathing just as ragged as his own.

"They took her down and are prepping her for surgery." She reached out and grabbed his hand then, the action less comforting than it used to be. She dragged him along the hallways, his body clearly going into shock as everything sunk in; he let her pull him along.

Questions fluttered through his mind but he couldn't find the will or the energy to ask them. He wondered only briefly if his father was with her, if someone who cared for her was with her, since he wasn't. Immediately he remembered his promise to be by her side and his heart ached. He knew, without a doubt, that his promise would have to be rescinded.

"Is dad with her?"

His mother nodded briefly, her head turning around to look at him as she skidded to a stop in front of an elevator pressing the button repeatedly. He wanted to tell her that it wouldn't make it move any faster, that it was a waste of energy, but the words wouldn't escape his mind; another thought did though.

"I can't lose her." The words tumbled from his lips as the stood in front of the elevator and his mother looked at him, an unreadable expression on her face. For the first time in quite awhile he felt completely and utterly helpless and alone. His body shook and he could feel the tears burning his eyes.

"I can't lose her."

Esme looked up into his eyes, tears brimming on her lashes and her hands reached up pulling him to her. "I know sweetie, I know.

**Special thanks to Pixielovestoshop (my wonderful, fantastic beta) for looking this over so quickly!**

**Only a few more chapters to go until we reach the end… I didn't get the sneak peek out because my weekend was just really crazy but hopefully updating quickly will make that up to you!**

**In the next day or two I am going to be posting some information regarding the next story that I will be working on. I have two very strong ideas in my head and I would like to hear which one you guys would like to read more! (So be sure to vote on that once it is posted!)**

**For those of you who have asked: I have no plans as of right now to do a sequel for this story. **

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites! **

**Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile! **


	39. Bundle

**Bundle**

_And I think of you whenever life gets me down  
I think of you whenever you're not around  
And you rest your bones  
Somewhere far from my own  
Yeah, but you still pull me home  
You still pull me home  
You still pull me home  
Think of You- A Fine Frenzy_

**Mood Music: Think of you by A Fine Frenzy, Near to You by A Fine Frenzy, New Letters by Company of Thieves.**

**Long A/N at the end… please read!**

Edward would never again comment on how accommodating the waiting rooms were. The room did little to ease his frazzled nerves and even less to settle his troubled mind. Pacing the room had seemed to help but only until his legs were too tired to move.

Now he just felt trapped.

Rosalie had put on some kids program for Alice and Emmett and Edward watched the two of them, fascinated by how they interacted with one another. They were truly becoming a family and the thought brought relief, momentarily, to his worried mind.

His mother sat beside him, her hand tenderly stroking his hair and gently whispering words of encouragement in his ear.

Everything was going to be alright.

It had to be alright.

Because if it wasn't Edward didn't know what he was going to do or how he was going to respond. His body and mind felt numb to the ongoing struggle happening in the other room and this fact only seemed to be infuriating him more.

He should have been in there with her.

He should be by her side; but he wasn't.

A million different possibilities and outcomes entered his mind, each more devastatingly depressing than the next. He couldn't survive without Bella; that was clear to him from the moment they had become something more.

He needed her.

He needed her to breathe, to function, to live, to feel.

Rose entered the room setting a bag in front of him before plopping down on the couch next to Jasper her eyes trained in on the television.

"What?" Edward questioned looking at her curiously.

She diverted her eyes from the television to meet his, hers were filled with pain. "You haven't eaten all day and you need to eat."

He picked up the bag in front of him opening it. He was surprised to find a burger and fries inside the bag; something he knew they didn't serve in the cafeteria.

"Where in the world?"

"I had a friend deliver it," she replied simply, shrugging her shoulder. "Please eat. One of you needs to stay strong."

"I'm not hungry," he admitted "but thank you."

Pulling a fry out he popped it into his mouth, chewing it and swallowing before opening the sandwich. He ate slowly, trying not to focus on the texture of the food that was now entering his upset stomach. He ate as much as he could before drinking the bottle of water his mother had set in front of him hoping it would calm his nerves.

Edward found his eyes staring at the clock for the second time that day and a sigh escaped his lips.

"I can't believe we haven't heard anything yet."

"No news is good news, right?" Jasper questioned hope filling his voice.

"It depends." Esme stated softly.

"I still can't believe dad wouldn't let me back there." Edward muttered grabbing his trash and standing on his aching feet and walking to the trash bin. More words seemed to tumble out of his mouth under his breath from frustration.

"It's my child. He promised both of us I would be in there. Bella must feel all alone."

He threw the garbage in the bin rolling his shoulders to try and relieve some of the tension that was present in his muscles. It only seemed to make them ache more.

His eyes burned from the lack of sleep and for some reason he found comfort in the dull pain. At least he was feeling _something_.

Setting down in one of the lounging chairs Edward picked up Alice and Emmett curling them up with him and sighing at the comforting feeling their small bodies brought. Alice clung to Bella's bear, her arm wrapped tightly around its neck.

"When we meet new sissy?" Alice questioned looking up at him so innocently it almost broke his heart.

"Soon, love. Very soon."

--

His body felt warm, almost too warm, and he could feel something wiggling in his lap; gently pulling him out from his dreams. There was noise all around him, leaving him in a general state of confusion.

"Edward," his mother's voice was gentle but prodding. "Wake up, son."

His body was stiff and he felt disoriented from sleeping in an awkward position. Opening his eyes he looked down, noticing Alice wiggling in his lap, deeply asleep and softly murmuring. Emmett was curled up against his other arm, his thumb firmly stuck between his teeth.

Rolling his neck to ease the tension he looked up at his mother, realizing exactly where he was. Bella was in the hospital, she had gone into labor, and he wasn't dreaming. Concern filled him for both Bella and the baby. His heart sped up as he looked up into his mother's bloodshot eyes.

"Your father called. He said to tell you to scrub up and meet him in the entry for surgery room one."

"Did he say anything?"

"Just that you need to meet him," Esme looked down at him patting him softly on the cheek before leaning down and placing a peck on his forehead. "Well, go on daddy. Go scrub up."

Edward gently moved the two kids off of him, laying them out on a couple of chairs the bear tucked between them. He made his way down the hallway, quickly entering the changing room and pulling on the hospital grade scrubs.

The soap stung his skin, but he was used to the burning feeling and relished in the fact that his questions would be answered shortly. A nurse opened the door for him; her eyes avoiding his as he walked slowly down the hallway.

His father stood outside the door a small bundle of fabric in his arms.

"Hello there, daddy." Carlisle's eyes were rimmed in red and it was clear that he was very tired. Edward came to a stop in front of him; his eyes scanning the small bundle, feeling the nerves build up in his stomach. His father looked at him for a moment, placing the bundle in his arms.

"You have a very healthy baby girl," Carlisle stated smiling softly at his son. "She is very beautiful, son."

Edward held the tiny baby in his arms, gently rocking her back and forth. His eyes watered at the mere sight of her and Edward felt his chest constrict with love. Leaning down he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead tears falling down his face.

Edward quickly looked around, searching for any sign of Bella before focusing once again on his own child. The nurse arrived and Edward reluctantly placed her in the tiny bassinet. Reaching down he gently held her hand, smiling as she lightly gripped his finger. Looking up at his father, the worry seemed to seep from his pores.

"And Bella?" Edward questioned his eyes fixed on his fathers. "How is Bella?"

--

There were few things Edward would ever say he regretted in his life, leaving earlier that morning was now holding the top spot on his list. He paced listlessly back and forth across the tiny room; constantly shooting worried glances at the people slumped in the chairs around him.

Rosalie looked stressed to a degree that almost made her look haggard. While they still had not reconciled their differences, he couldn't help but appreciate that she was present. Jasper on the other hand looked manically alert, his eyes darting back and forth following each of Edward's steps. He looked ready to crack under the pressure, something that Edward was desperately trying hard not to do.

And then there was his mother whose eyes never seemed to leave his face. He almost wondered if she was waiting for him to break down and crumble before her eyes. At the moment the idea didn't seem like such a bad one. The only thing stopping him was the two sleeping children in the chair next to his mother.

Emmett and Alice lay across two chairs, each clinging to the other. Bella's small stuffed bear lay between them acting as a buffer to the world around them. Edward stood for a moment, memorizing the way their bodies clung to the object like a security blanket.

He instantly wished he had something to cling to, his eyes watering and tearing.

He couldn't stand still for too long, his legs moving once again back and forth. They ached from the constant movement but he couldn't stop moving, couldn't sit still, because if he did then he would have to think about it.

And that was something he wasn't ready to do just yet.

A knock on the door made him swing around, his father stood slumped against the doorway a tiny bundle in his arms.

"I thought this might ease the waiting game." He spoke softly bringing the small baby into the room and placing her in Edward's trembling hands.

"How is her surgery going?" Edward questioned gently rocking the baby. The action not only calmed his nerves but seemed to make him feel stronger. For the first time in days, he felt like he was home.

"They are just finishing replacing the valve. Then they will pull her off cardiopulmonary bypass and see how her heart is pumping. We were lucky it was her valve that gave out and not her aorta."

He nodded his head curtly at his father, noticing everyone's eyes on the small baby in his arms.

"May I?" Esme questioned her arms held out and a look of pure joy on her face. Placing his daughter in his mother's arms, Edward could feel the exhaustion of the day creeping in. His knees wanted to give out and he quickly made his way to the closest chair, dropping into it. His head rested in his hands and his breathing came out in short pants.

Carlisle moved next to him, placing a hand on Edward's shoulder.

"Everything is going to be fine, son. She is getting a new aortic valve and there shouldn't be a ton of concern about her body rejecting it as they are using a mechanical valve. If they were to give her a human or animal she would have to take medicine to prevent calcification and rejection. The valve would weaken much quicker as well. While she will have to take an anticoagulant, the benefits outweigh the risks immensely."

"She is going to need you, Edward, more so now than ever before. Recovery takes months."

"I know dad," Edward sighed softly "I just need her to be okay for myself to feel okay."

His father smiled at him softly his hand reaching up and ruffling his hair. "Then don't let her go."

"I won't."

"So," Esme questioned placing the baby in Rose's arms and making her way across the room and next to Edward. "What are you going to name her?"

"I'm going to wait for Bella's help on that one." Edward replied softly, watching Rose as she gently rocked the baby. "But I have a few ideas."

**Next chapter is, unfortunately, the epilogue of the story. I would like to thank all of you who submitted names for the baby. The name will be revealed in the epilogue! I'm hoping to have the epilogue posted Monday!**

**Thank you to all of you who reviewed, added this story to your alerts, or to your favorites!**

**

* * *

**

**I'm really sad to see these characters go but am really just truly amazed by the response this story has been getting. Without you all, this would have just been some forgotten one shot. I have a few ideas for my next story and both can be seen below:**

**Whispers**

**Summary: Bella has always known that she was different, her step father made sure of that. One day she meets Dr. Edward Cullen, a kind and unasuming man who offers his assistance in helping Bella lead a normal life. Will Edward be able to help Bella escape the whispers that taunt her every move or will she succomb to her fears and give in to the darkness.**

The whispers began to crescendo and rise drowning out all other thoughts, all other concerns. Bella made the way across the small room, her eyes trained onto every individual knowing they were talking about her. The room began to spin and the whispers only got louder.

She knew they were staring at her and she fell to her knees in despair, crying out. The whispers became louder, screams of blame, of regret, of despair. Her head spun and she tucked it in between her knees, sobbing into the floor.

A single voice broke through her revere, speaking so softly she had to struggle to listen.

"Bella?" It called to her.

She opened her eyes and raised her head, looking around for the voice that was calling to her, beckoning her, but all she could see were streaks and blurs. Her eyes squinted trying to focus in on the face in front of her, trying to clear the fog.

The voice spoke again, softly saying her name. It took only a moment for her to process and recognize the voice, and confusion was evident on her face.

"Edward?"

**Our Last Summer (The Way I Loved You)**

**Summary: A phone call brings three friends (Edward, Bella, and Alice) back to their summer homes and back into each other's lives. When tragedy strikes the group, lines will be drawn, boundaries crossed, and lives will be turned upside down. Is it really that easy to let go of your friends, or your first love, when every memory you cherish contains them? Warning one of the three main characters WILL die. **

I had never struggled with much in my life, but in one summer all that changed. I knew the minute I had gotten the call that something was wrong, something had changed. It had been a few years since we had all gotten together, taking the winding ferry to our childhood beach homes, our lives having led us in different directions.

I stepped off the ferry bypassing the scant booth advertising the wonders of La Push Beach and scanned the crowd for the familiar faces, seeing a blur of people. I wondered for a moment if I could still recognize them, could see some semblance of the children they used to be.

I didn't have to wonder for long.

They stood side by side, hands entwined, a fierce determination present upon both of their faces. I scanned each of them, noting that while their features were more adult like I could still see the semblances of childhood innocence.

I dropped my duffle bag and bound the few final steps wrapping my arms around each of them and pulling them to me tightly. The feeling of comfort spread through me and it only took me a moment to notice that neither was responding to the hug. I pulled back, my eyes questioning, as I looked between the two of them.

Taking a deep breath, Alice ran her hand through her spiky black hair, her eyes looking tired.

"I think we need to talk," she spoke her voice breaking slightly.

I never could have imagined how it would all end.

**You can vote for your choice by clicking the survey link in my profile, listing your choice in your review, or PMing me. I'm really excited about both stories and think they both have major potential!**


	40. Epilogue

**Epilogue- Three Months Later**

"_Run your fingers through my soul.  
For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel,  
believe what I believe,  
perceive as I perceive,  
look, experience, examine  
and for once; just once, understand."  
-Unknown_

_--_

The water lapped softly at the ridges of rock and grass lining the small lake. The sun illuminated the small area, making it seem brighter and more open. A few small ducks paddled softly along the edges of the water, their gentle quacks the only noise penetrating the area.

Bella laid, eyes closed, on a blanket relishing the gentle silence that she had come to know and love as her escape. There were no dishes to be done, no clothes to be cleaned, and no children to watch. The peacefulness of the moment seeped into her being and she let out a gentle sigh of pleasure.

"Don't fall asleep on me now," Edward whispered softly pressing a kiss on her forehead.

"I wouldn't dream of it," Bella replied opening her eyes and smiling softly at him.

"Mmmhmm." He hummed softly chuckling. "I know that sigh."

"How long until Rose drops the kids off?" Bella questioned; rolling onto her side to look at him better.

"We have awhile," Edward responded smirking softly, "Don't worry about it."

Rolling her eyes, Bella chided him softly, "I am a mother, it's my job to worry."

"If you say so," Edward answered pulling her body closer to his side and nuzzling his head into her hair. "It's so peaceful and quiet."

"So unlike our house," Bella laughed softly. "Admit it; you could totally fall asleep too."

"Nah," he whispered softly ,"I'm too busy watching you."

A gentle blush settled across her face and she could feel his gentle chuckling shake through his body. Playfully shoving him away, Bella rolled onto her back and stared up at the tree above her.

Edward rolled next to her and pulled her to him. He looked serious and she turned, eyebrow raised in confusion at the look on his face.

"Don't push me away, don't ever push me away. I lost you once and I almost lost you again for real. I'm not letting you go for a single moment that I don't have to."

"Edward." Her voice broke as she brought her hand up and rested it against his cheek. A small tear leaked from his eye and he burrowed his face into her neck. She could feel the wet pebble hit her neck and run down her collarbone. "I'm alright. Aaralyn is alright."

"I know," his voice broke and he pulled away, setting up and running his hand through his tousled hair. Pulling herself into a sitting position, Bella rested her head against his shoulder with her hand resting softly on his back. Edward turned his head to look at her, emotion still strongly featured on his face.

"I don't know what I would have done if I had lost you. I was going crazy in that waiting room, pacing back and forth. Just knowing that you were in the other room and I couldn't be there, I couldn't do anything to help, it killed me Bella."

"Even after your surgery was over, I still expected the worse. I worried that you wouldn't wake up, that something would go wrong with your recuperation, that you would realize what a failure I was in protecting you and you would leave me."

"Never," she whispered firmly, entwining her free hand with his. "It wasn't your fault, Edward. These things happen. I don't blame you for the piece of metal in my heart, I don't blame Aara either. It's just something that happened and you need to stop blaming yourself."

"I know," Edward stated firmly, "I'm trying. It's hard to know that I got the easy end of the deal. You had to go through so much and here I am unscathed. I need you to know, to understand, how miserable my life would have been without you. I would have been a shell of the man I was. You brought me to life, Bella, you must know that."

"Just as you brought me to life," She replied, "You taught me to feel again."

Edward turned around to fully look at her, his eyes meeting hers. "I love you, my Bella."

"I love you too, Edward."

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box, flipping it open quickly so she could see the ring inside. "I lost you once and in the process lost myself. I want to spend every day with you, every moment I possibly can. I want to help take care of _our_ family together and I want to be there for Alice the way you are there for Emmett. Marry me?"

"Yes," Bella cried softly, "Yes, I will marry you."

Edward gently pulled the ring out of the box and slipped it on her finger, kissing her hand and then her palm as his fingers traced over the ring delicately.

Bella took a deep breath as the tears fell softly down her face. Leaning in she kissed him, her arms wrapping firmly around him.

--

"There you two are," Rose called. Alice and Emmett trailed behind her; Emmett carrying a diaper bag and Alice the stuffed bear Bella had received in the hospital. The item had become a kind of security blanket for her and she didn't leave home without it. The constant love was beginning to show on the raggedy bear.

Placing the baby carrier on the blanket Rose plopped down next to Edward and Bella immediately grabbing Bella's hand.

"So you said yes."

"Of course she said yes," Edward muttered indignantly causing both of the women to chuckle. Picking up Aaralyn he worked his way over to the water where their two other children sat feeding the ducks.

"I told Jasper there was no way in hell that you would turn that gem down." Rose looked at Edward for a moment before once again looking at the three stone ring, her fingers softly playing with the band. "As if Jasper had any doubt you would say yes anyways," Rose sighed.

"You two sure seem to be spending a lot of time together?" Bella questioned.

"It's not like that, we're just friends. Although Jasper did mention introducing me to this big hunk of a man that came into his shop the other day. Just my type and I could use a good lay."

Bella snorted, shaking her head, "You never change."

"I know," Rose muttered, "Isn't it great."

Bella couldn't help the laugh that escaped her lips. "It truly is."

"Mommy," Emmett came running over and plopped down in Bella's lap a huge smile on his face. "Daddy says I can call you mommy now. Is that right, Mommy?"

"It sure is sweetie," Bella replied kissing the small boy on the head, "And Alice can call Edward Daddy."

The small girl squealed and launched herself at Edward dropping her bear in the process. Edward kept a tight hold on the baby as Alice rocked his bottom half; the sight had both of the women in stitches.

Kneeling down Edward placed a soft kiss on Alice's head before standing back up and gently rocking a fussing Aara back to sleep.

"Crabby baby," Emmett muttered his nose scrunched in distaste. It was taking Emmett and Alice a bit of time getting used to having a new baby in the family. While they both loved her most of the time, the sound of her crying was something they were still not quite used to.

Hopping up Emmett made his way to Alice, grabbing her hand and dragging her out of the grotto and towards the park just beyond the trees.

"Stay close," Edward called to the two children as he handed Aaralyn over to Bella and quickly followed them down the gravel path.

"He makes a good dad," Rose smiled softly.

"He really does," Bella nodded smiling at her now cooing baby. "I think he will probably make a pretty good husband too."

Bella's smile was all the confirmation Rose needed.

--

That night they lay together in bed, a comfortable silence overtaking the room. Bella had finished her last round of therapy and as far as her doctors were concerned, was fully recovered. Butterflies filled her chest as she thought about what that meant, for her and for Edward.

They could finally be _together_ again.

While the three months of therapy had not, by any means, been easy it was something that Bella's heart had needed to recuperate. Something Edward had been more than respectable about. It still hadn't been easy for her, going to bed each night and wanting more than she could have but she had definitely learned some major patience.

"I feel like it's my first time all over again," she whispered into the silent room. He chuckled nervously in response before running his hand through his messy hair.

"I feel the same," Edward replied after a moment hesitation. The comment seems to bring about a palpable nervousness and yet Bella doesn't feel unnerved. "It's been so long."

"Too long," she whimpered.

He slides closer to her, his body lining up along hers as he presses against her side. Her body trembles and she gasps for air. His hands tremble as he reaches for her, his mouth opening and closing with no words escaping.

"I know," reaching up she presses her palm against his cheek, her eyes meeting his; her thumb gently stroking his bottom lip. Both of their breaths come out in pants, mingling somewhere in the air between them as she turns on her side pressing herself more fully to him. She feels like she is on fire, burning slowly from the inside out. She relishes the feeling.

With little thought, she crushes her lips to his; her tongue snaking out and running across his lips. His hands tangle in her hair pulling her closer, tighter to him. Her body heaves for air and he pulls away gasping to catch his breath.

Bella pulls him above her, so she can feel the weight of his body on top of her and moans at the contact, throwing her head back into the pillow. His lips meet her throat, then her collarbone, before tracing along the lace hem of her top with his tongue.

His hands trace along her arms, his touches so soft she can feel the goose-bumps rising and as he reaches the bottom of her shirt he looks up at her for permission.

"Please."

He pulls it off slowly, teasingly, and before she can register his hands are touching her; gently running along the stretch marks now present. His mouth and then his tongue follow the paths, worshiping each scar.

She threads her fingers through his hair, latching herself onto him and onto the moment, afraid of losing herself too completely. After a moment he pulled away, reaching down and gently tugging his own shirt off, their skin pressing together.

"I love you," Edward whispers softly his eyes never leaving hers.

"I love you too." And she knows that is all that needs to be said.

He gently removes her shorts before pulling off his boxers, moving to hover once again above her. "It might hurt and if it does I'm sorry."

Suddenly he kisses her again, his tongue tracing her lips for a moment before making its way down the column of her neck where he rests his head. Gently he presses against her and slowly enters her stilling once he is all the way inside.

"Are you alright?" Her mouth opens to respond, but a gasp escapes instead. His eyes meet hers, filled with passion, desire, and love.

She nods silently, tears streaming down her face.

"You're crying."

"Happy tears." She arches her back bringing him in deeper and causing him to let out a gentle grunt. He sets an excruciatingly slow pace, her fingers latched into his back pulling him closer to her. Their lips meet for a moment before he begins to trail kisses along her face and neck.

Continuing to thrust, he leans down and places a kiss where her heart is frantically beating in her chest. Tears in his eyes as he looks up at her she is overcome with emotion. Without saying anything she looks at him and she understands.

She can feel all of him, each part of her body meeting his with every movement that they make. Words tumble from his lips; the only thing she can make out is her name, "Bella."

Their eyes meet and she rocks her hips in rhythm with his, feeling him deeper inside of her and causing her to throw back her head and groan. His arms hold her tighter and there is an intensity on his face that has her struggling to catch her breath, and struggling not to fall over the edge.

Their hands meet and grasp, foreheads press together, breaths flutter across each other's face. His head lulls back, mouth open and panting. "Oh god," he moans softly in response. She is enamored by each flicker of emotion across his face and watching him she cries as she falls over the edge. He falls right after her.

His body collapses next to her pulling her tightly against his side. He kisses her on the forehead, his lips ghosting over her eyelids and then pressing against her lips.

"I love you." He lowered his head then, resting it against her bare stomach fingers splayed across it.

She lifted her hand, resting it in his hair as she gently stroked it, "I love you too." It amazed Bella how those three simple words could convey all of the thoughts and feelings that Edward provoked in her, but they did.

**Well this is it… the end. I know the epilogue took awhile to get up, but I have been sick with Tonsillitis and unable to really do much of anything. A few notes:**

**The baby's name was Aaralyn Lila Cullen or Aara for short. Aaralyn means Beautiful Melody and was submitted by aaovd-runner. Lila means Night or Good and was submitted by SuchABlue and Cherryflavorpez. Thank you to all of you who submitted names, all of them were beautiful!**

**The voting is still open as to which story you would prefer me to write. Descriptions of Whispers and Our Last Summer and voting information can be found in my profile. The voting will be open until Sunday July 12****th****, I hope to have the first chapter up on Monday.**

**Thank you to all of you who reviewed, added this story to your alerts, or to your favorites. You have truly inspired me more than you guys will ever know. Every time I felt down about the story, didn't want to write, or was just in a funk one of you was there to talk it through. You are amazing, thank you!**

**Special thank you to Pixielovestoshop for talking through a few points of this chapter with me, especially the ending which she helped me with immensely. You're truly an awesome beta!**

**I am sad to see this story go but look forward to creating a new story and a new world for you all to join me in! Until then!**

**Nikki**


	41. Poll Results and a Note

Alright…

I wanted to answer a few of your questions and tell you the results of the poll… So here we go:

**Will I be posting any outtakes/will you get to read Edward and Bella's wedding?**

That is a distinct possibility. I'm not sure what (or if any) outtakes there really are that you guys would want to read… but I am open to the possibility. If you have a suggestion, feel free to let me know. As for the wedding I could definitely seeing myself writing it in the future. I really loved this Edward and Bella and their bond and I think their wedding would have been something truly beautiful. If I do choose to write something related, I will let you know!

**Can't you write both stories?**

I have written multiple stories at the same time and while I don't have a problem with it, something always ends up getting the shaft. I like to devote myself to the story I am writing and therefore will not be writing both simultaneously. Plus if I am only working on one story the updates will be longer and more frequent (something I know you won't complain about!)… You will find below the story that won the poll and the margin it won by (which was pretty significant). For those of you who wanted the other story don't fret. When my new story is over it is very likely I will start the next one!

**How realistic was this story to Kat's story?**

I obviously took liberties with her story. Kat had an affair with a man she met at a park while with her child. This affair led to her divorce and to her becoming pregnant. However Kat and her "Edward" did not end up together at the end of the story. She experienced pregnancy problems, including palpitations, but nothing to the degree I put Bella through. So while this was based on her experience it is very loosely and there are many differences.

**Which story won…**

**Poll results were as follows:**

**Last Summer received 66% of the votes  
Whispers received 34% of the votes**

**I was amazed by the number of votes I received… thank you to all of you who voted. **

Therefore the winner is:

**Our Last Summer (The Way I Loved You)**

**Summary:** A phone call brings three friends (Edward, Bella, and Alice) back to their summer homes and back into each other's lives. When tragedy strikes the group, lines will be drawn, boundaries crossed, and lives will be turned upside down. Is it really that easy to let go of your friends, or your first love, when every memory you cherish contains them? Warning one of the three main characters WILL die.

**As I said if you wanted Whispers, don't fret, that will likely be my next pursuit.**

I had posted a type of snippet to give you an idea of what the story would be like, but I thought I would give you a sneak peek at the first chapter of Our Last Summer. The chapter is done and will be posted sometime tomorrow.

After sitting down and typing this first chapter out I am really excited about the prospect of this story! I can really see myself falling in love with it.

**Sneak Peek Chapter 1 of Our Last Summer**

I stood on the dock, bag slung over my shoulder, as I waited for the stupid boat to arrive. The crowd seemed to be filled with families, excited children running up and down the aisles of dock. It seemed so familiar and yet at the same time completely foreign.

Had I ever really been that young? That innocent? That full of exuberance?

I knew there was a time that I had. I had been just like those kids full of energy and life, barely able to stand waiting for the boat let alone the ride over. That was before I grew up, before things changed, before I knew.

I boarded the boat, a creature of habit as I made my way towards the lookout railing. Dropping my bag next to me I looked out over the vast expanse of blue-green water. I breathed in the salty air, letting it fill my lungs and settle there.

It reminded me of my childhood, of family, happiness, and of love.

**I look forward to starting this new journey and sharing this new story with you. I hope you fall in love with it as much as I think I will.**

**Till then**

**Nikki**


	42. Outtake 1: The Wedding

_**Outtake 1- The Wedding**_

_**Mood Music: Then by Brad Paisley, and Beethoven: Romance #1**_

**_-_**

"_Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain."  
~Anonymous~_

_-_

The day started with a subtle slant of light, sneaking its way through her window and shining onto her eyes. Bella's sleep had been restless and filled with constant tossing and turning. It wasn't easy to sleep in a bed alone, not when one was so used to having a companion to share it with. Now that she was fully awake, she could hear the hustle and bustle about the house.

Rolling onto her back, Bella let out a gentle sigh. It had only been a mere 10 hours since she had last seen Edward, but the time had dragged and it seemed like much longer. Rolling out of bed, Bella tugged open the curtains letting the daylight stream in. Her eyes focused for a moment on the cream dress that hung over her door and felt a gentle sigh escape her lips. The dress was lace and cascading silk that bunched at her waist and folded around her like a glove.

It was everything she had hoped for and more. For once in her life, Bella was grateful for Rose's fashion connections. Not only was the dress perfect but it screamed Bella so completely that the moment she saw it, she just knew it was the one. For a moment Bella imagined the look on Edward's face when he saw her in it. It helped to calm the nerves fluttering softly in her stomach.

'Only a few more hours,' she thought to herself as she pulled her robe on over her nightgown and opened the bedroom door. Tiptoeing out of her bedroom, Bella made her way to the only other closed door and knocked lightly before entering.

Alice lay, still sleeping, in her bed with her fists curled up around her face. Aara lay in her temporary crib on the other side of the room, her eyelids fluttering rapidly as she dreamt. Closing the door behind her, Bella made her way to Alice's small bed and gently shook the small girl awake.

"Mommy?" she questioned quietly, her voice groggy.

"Hey sweetie," Bella whispered, trying not to wake Aara, "I thought you and I could spend a bit of time together this morning before the craziness ensues. Would you like that?"

Alice sat up and looked around, rubbing her eyes restlessly for a moment before smiling and nodding her head. Curling up together, the two girls lay on the tiny bed looking at the ceiling.

"Are you sure you are alright with this, sweetie?" Bella questioned as her fingers gently played with her daughters hair.

"Mommy," Alice sighed, "I love Edward and Emmy." For a moment Alice was silent and then she turned her eyes were tearful as they met Bella's. "I love _Daddy_ and Emmy." Bella could feel the tears filling her eyes and she clenched them tightly, blocking out the overwhelming love she felt for the girl in front of her.

"And they love you too."

"Plus," Alice continued as her smile grew in size, "I get to look pretty and wear a pretty dress."

She couldn't help but chuckle at her daughters reasoning as she nodded her head, before placing gentle kisses on Alice's forehead. "You sure do. But you always look pretty."

Alice rolled her eyes for a moment before smiling softly. "Fine I get to look prettier."

"As if that was possible," Bella teased rising from the bed and pulling a now fussing Aara out of her crib and into her arms, "Looks like someone is hungry."

"Me too," Alice called clutching her belly and making a dramatic 'starving' face.

"Then how about we got get us some breakfast?" Bella asked.

"YES!" Alice shouted, covering her mouth for a moment before sheepishly smiling.

-

Bella sat in a chair, her eyes focused on the window and the weather outside. Rose was currently shaping her hair, twisting and twirling strands into a soft curly up do as Bella nervously bit at her thumb nail.

"It's going to be fine," Rose spoke softly, "It's not supposed to rain. I checked the weather four times; it's not going to rain."

"No, Rose," Bella growled, "I'm having an outdoor wedding, it _**can't**_ rain."

For a moment, Bella began to fret her decision of the location of the wedding. What had seemed so perfect at the time was now causing her a greater amount of stress than even she was willing to admit.

"We could put up a tent just in case," Angela gently rocked Aaralyn back and forth as she spoke.

"Where are we going to get a tent this late?" Bella could feel the tears threatening to spill over her eyes and she clenched them tightly, hoping to relieve some of the pressure that was building up behind them.

With a final tug at a few strands, Rose sighed and grabbed her cell phone, her fingers pounding on the keys. "This is your special day and I don't care if those guys have to make a tent out of raincoats, it is not getting ruined and you are not getting wet."

Alice sat fidgeting in front of the TV, her hands reaching up and running over the delicate twirls of braids that had just been placed in her hair. Noticing her mother's agitation, she rose from the couch and proceeded to hop into her lap. "It will be fine, Mommy."

Bella's eyes scanned the cloudy sky nervously. Wrapping her arms around Alice, she pulled her to her tightly and squeezed giving her a big 'bear hug.' "I hope you're right, munchkin. I hope you're right."

-

The weather was calling for rain, lots and lots of rain. Bella could feel the curse bubbling under her lips as she sat staring at the computer screen. There was little she could do now, but hope that somehow Rose had pulled through and came up with some tents, otherwise she was going to be one sopping wet bride.

Tugging at the ties of her robe, Bella took a few deep breaths trying not to get herself worked up. It wouldn't do any good for her to raise her blood pressure or her heart rate on a day like today. Her heart was the last thing she wanted to worry about.

Focusing on the small box in front of her, Bella opened it and looked at the white lacy items that she and Rose had picked out a few days earlier. Thinking about wearing them made her blush, which caused her to laugh. After everything they had been through, the last thing she was around Edward was shy, but this time seemed different, monumental in a way.

Slipping the garments on, Bella adjusted them carefully before putting the robe back on over the top of them. A knock at the door startled her from her thoughts and Bella opened it, peeking out. Rose stood with one hand on her jutted out hip, the other holding a cell phone out in front of her.

"You have five minutes," she handed Bella the phone before tapping her wrist and walking away. Bella looked down at the phone for a moment before bringing it up to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Bella," the sound of Edwards voice seemed to instantly calm her worries and concerns and she felt herself sigh as she closed the door and leaned against it.

"Edward," she sighed, "It's going to rain."

"I know," he replied, "Jasper and I have been trying to scrounge up some tents. I just wanted to call and tell you not to worry, that everything would be alright."

Bella could feel herself sniffing softly as she took in his words and before she knew it gentle tears were falling. "I miss you."

"I miss you too, beautiful," Edward spoke softly, "But I will see you in a few hours and then you will be all _**mine**_."

"I like the sound of that," Bella giggled softly before teasing him, "I was just wiggling into my undergarments. So much white lace, Edward, what will you do?"

A small groan escaped his lips and Bella could picture the look of pure torture on his face. "That's not playing very nicely, Bella, especially when I can't be there with you."

"Stupid wedding rules."

Edward chuckled for a moment before agreeing, "Stupid wedding rules."

She sighed softly into the phone, clutching it to her ear as she listened to the gentle whoosh of his breathing. The sound had a calming and soothing affect on her and cleared her head for a moment.

"I don't care if it rains," she whispered, "As long as it's you and me I don't care."

Edwards reply came quickly, "The when and where doesn't matter to me, Bella, you know that. It could be pouring buckets and you would still take my breath away. In fact I recall a few very good memories including rain." A husky chuckle escaped his lips. "I promise you, Bella, if there is a way to block it out Jasper and I will figure it out. Just remember that soon, very soon, you will be mine for forever."

"I can't wait," she groaned hearing the knock on the door. "Rose is here, I guess our time is up."

"See you soon."

"Very soon," she whispered.

-

The dress fit just as perfectly as Bella remembered and she felt the material swish gently around her as she moved. It was perfect and it helped to lift her mood from the gloomy cloudy sky outside.

"You look beautiful Mommy," Alice spoke as she twirled around in her dress, letting the material flop against her legs as she moved.

"Thank you sweetie," she replied quickly, "You look adorable in that dress."

Alice beamed up at her for a moment, stopping to look at the doorway before quickly moving behind Bella and looking at the man standing in the doorway, shyly.

"You look exquisite, Bella." Bella looked up, the surprise evident on her face. Carlisle took a few more steps into the room, a small smile present on his face. "Absolutely exquisite."

"Thank you," Bella replied, her eyes staring at the man in front of her. It had taken Alice awhile to warm up to Carlisle and Esme and there were still times she was extremely shy around the two of them. As Alice stood behind Bella, she gently tugged at the dress and clenching it tightly in her hands. The girl seemed to work up some courage as the two adults stood staring at each other silently.

"If Edward is my daddy does that make you my granddaddy?" Alice questioned. Bella couldn't help but notice the smile on Carlisle's face as he knelt down, his eyes meeting hers.

"You can call me whatever you want, sweetie." The comment seemed to break the ice and Alice made her way over hopping into his arms and chuckling softly as he lifted her up. "Would you let your mother and I talk for a moment?" Carlisle asked her, smiling as Alice nodded her head and hopped down running out of the room.

There was a moment of silence and then Carlisle cleared his throat. "Edward sent me over with two requests." He dug in his pockets for a moment before pulling a small package out and handing it to her. "One was that he asked me to give this to you. The second," Carlisle snaked his hand to his head and tugged for a moment at the hair there "was for me to give you away. I know that your father couldn't be here with you today and I want you to know that Esme and I already look at you like a daughter." He cleared his throat as he continued to speak. "It would be an honor if you would let me walk you down the aisle."

Bella could feel the tears stinging at her eyes at the gesture that not only Edward but Carlisle had made. It touched her heart deeply that they wanted this day to be perfect for her and that included having someone to give her away. "I would be honored if you would _dad_," she replied her voice breaking a bit as he moved to hug her.

"Thank you for taking care of him, for loving him," Carlisle whispered as he pulled away from her, wiping his face for a moment. "I will leave so you can open the gift and finish getting ready. Welcome to the family, Bella."

-

Bella's hands trembled as she gently tugged off the wrapping paper and set it on the bed beside her. The box felt heavy in her hands as she tugged the small lid off and looked inside, tears coming to her eyes as she did so.

A note lay on top and she gently removed it, her eyes catching on the item inside the box. An antique necklace caught her attention and she fingered it for a moment watching the light catch it. The box held a medium sized pendant of pearls and diamonds shaped into a small heart. Picking up the note Bella gently fingered the pendant.

_Dearest Bella,_

_If you are reading this than it means that you said yes and agreed to marry my son. I can't tell you how thrilled I am to welcome you, Alice, and Aaralyn into the family. I noticed from the moment you first came into my son's life, the changes you caused. He was trapped in an unhappy marriage and a shell of the boy I grew to love. You brought back his spark, brought back his hope, and teached him to truly know what it means to love._

_Thank you._

_This pendant is a family tradition. It has been passed down from generation to generation and every Cullen that has married has worn it. I give it to you today welcoming you into our family and into our lives and hoping that one day Alice and Aara will have the pleasure of wearing it as well._

_You mean the world to us, to Edward. Never doubt that._

_With Love,_

_Esme Cullen_

A small side note was scribbled at the bottom and Bella read over it, smiling as she did so.

_Soon, love, very soon._

_Edward_

There was a gentle knock on the door then, and Rose opened it smiling gently. "It's time, Bella."

-

The rain was holding off and Bella sighed in relief as she looked down the familiar worn path now lit by candles. The ground and trees seemed to sparkle by the illumination of the lighting and for a moment it took Bella's breath away.

"It's beautiful," Bella sighed, her eyes tearing as Carlisle took her arm.

She could hear soft music playing in the background and as she walked the path she watched Alice skip hand in hand with Emmett around the corner and out of her sight. Pausing for a moment Bella took a steadying breath before walking into the opening.

A white side-less tent was placed in the clearing, Edward stood at the end of a makeshift aisle, the view of the lake behind him. The roof of the tent was illuminated in twinkling lights and small candlelit lanterns were placed sporadically on the few tables.

Bella could feel her breath leave her as her eyes met Edwards and she slowly began to make her way down the aisle towards him. The moon illuminated the lake behind him and she was instantly reminded of the night they had reconciled and the night she had told Edward that she was pregnant. For a moment she diverted her eyes, smiling softly at Esme, who held Aaralyn in her arms, before turning her eyes back to Edward.

As if he read her mind Edward's smile seemed to grow, and Bella found herself startled by how truly beautiful he really was. She could feel the tears beginning to form and as she took the last few steps, the tears began to spill over. Instead of waiting for her to reach him, Edward reached out and pulled her to him, gently wiping the tears away.

"I love you," he spoke softly, reverently.

"I love you," Bella replied bringing her hand to cup his jaw as she smiled in response. Handing her flowers to Rose, Bella squeezed Edward's hand before turning to the minister. Bella could feel the presence of Alice and Emmett standing behind them, along with their small group of family and friends who sat at the scattered tables. The people that mattered to her most were there, it was perfect, and that was all that mattered.

-

The minister's words were drowned out by the sound of her heartbeat and the feel of Edward's hand in hers. It seemed like all she could feel, all she could focus on, or think about was Edward. Bella felt her nerves flare up as it was time to recite their vows. Edward spoke first.

"I, Edward, take you Bella to be my wife and my one true love. I cannot even begin to describe how much I cherish you and everything you have brought into my life. You've taught me what it truly means to have a family and to love someone through the good and the bad. We've been through so much together and yet we still stand here today, together and stronger than ever. From the moment I met you, you have changed me so completely, so epically, that I am incomplete without you. I promise to love you more each day than I did the day before and to spend my life laughing and crying with you, loving you and trusting in you completely. I give you my hand, my heart, my love, and my life from this day forward for as long as we both shall live."

Tears gently flowed down her cheeks, as she took a deep breath before beginning to speak.

"I, Bella, take you Edward to be my husband and my one true love. I've spent most of the past few years going through the motions of what I thought life should be like and it wasn't until you came along that I truly started to live. You've given me a beautiful daughter and a new son to cherish as my own. We've had our ups and downs, but through each of those moments there has been one thing constant in my life. It's always been you, love. I promise to love you more each day than I did the day before and to spend my life laughing and crying with you, loving and trusting in you completely. I give you my hand, my heart, my love, and all of me from this day forward for as long as we both shall live."

A few tears slipped from Edward's eyes and Bella reached up, gently swiping them away and smiling softly at the emotion present on his face.

"And now for the rings," the minister spoke, looking down at Emmett and holding his hand out for the small pouch the boy held. They exchanged rings with a quiet intensity, and as the ring slipped onto Bella's finger Alice squeaked in excitement. Laughter fluttered across the crowd and she looked behind her, noticing the joy on the two children's faces.

"Now," the minister spoke, "by the power invested in me by god and the people of this good state I now pronounce you husband and wife. Edward you may kiss the bride."

Their eyes met and for a moment, her heart jumped and pounded against her chest and her breathe caught in her throat. The their lips met, and she felt a shiver run through her body as his hands wrapped around her pulling her closer. Her hands reached up, tangling in his unruly hair, and her lips folded over his as she gently sucked on his bottom lip. As the catcalls of their friends and family reached her ears, Bella blushed and gently pulled back, causing Edward to groan.

"I love you, Bella." Edward whispered against her ear before placing a gentle kiss on her neck.

"I love you too," she replied, her voice breaking with emotion.

Turning they faced their new family and Edward bent down picking up Alice and spinning her around. Bella reached down and pulled Emmett up, placing a kiss on his cheek as he clapped happily. A moment later Esme placed Aaralyn in her arms as well. Her eyes met Edwards's eyes which were filled with love and laughter and she couldn't help but smile in return.

A loud boom crackled through the sky and Bella turned to the lake watching as the rain begin to fall. Edward set Alice down, motioning for Bella to do the same with Emmett. With a mischievous smile on his face he handed Aaralyn back to Esme and Edward grabbed her hand pulling her out from under the tent.

"What are you doing?" Bella questioned, laughter filling her voice as she looked up letting the water pour down on her face.

"This all started with a rain storm," Edward replied smiling, "It seems only fitting to end it that way." And then he pulled her to him, arms encircling her, and picked her up twirling her in the rain.

-

_**So I know these outtakes have been a long time coming…I have been distracted working on my new story Our Last Summer, as well as posting a few new one shots (including Quiet Stars)… If you haven't yet, go check them out!**_

_**I am planning on doing an outtake of the wedding night as well. If there are other outtakes for this story that you would like to read, please let me know.**_

_**A special thanks to my beta for this Pixielovestoshop… who also wanted to send you guys a message:**_

_Hello y'all! Pixie here to let you all know that I appreciate all of you reading N's work. I know it's been a while since N wrote, but you can't blame me. I've been hounding her to write. It came down to me threatening her to tell you all that she didn't love you all to get her to write anything. ;) __**(She was really craving some outtakes for this story as you can tell… Thanks B, for the stalker-texts, you always know how to keep me on task! lol) **__To N - Thank you for giving me a chance to beta for you. It's been a wonderful and fun experience. Keep up the cheese! Some of us like Velveeta. :)_  
_~B_

_**I'm hoping to have the second outtake up within the week!**_

_**N**_


	43. Outtake 2: The Wedding Night

_**Outtake Two- The Wedding Night **_

_**Mood Music: Bella's Lullaby and The Way you Look Tonight by Michael Buble**_

"_The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched ... but are felt in the heart."  
~Helen Keller~_

_**A/N- because I feel it needs to be said… B is on the pill because it's not safe for her to have more kids due to her heart condition. **_

_-_

_**Previously:**__ "This all started with a rain storm," Edward replied smiling, "It seems only fitting to end it that way." And then he pulled her to him, arms encircling her, and picked her up twirling her in the rain._

-

The water trickled down Bella's face and body as she threw her head back and laughed heartily. The rain was cold and sent a chill across her bare skin causing her to shiver slightly in Edward's arms. Pulling back, his eyes met hers once, before scanning over her body.

"Cold?" Edward questioned.

"A bit," Bella shivered once again, causing Edward to pull her to him tightly. Making their way back under the tent, they me the disapproving stare of Rosalie who just stood, shaking her head. "What?"

"Nothing," Rose sighed, "You guys are going to freeze."

Chuckling at her disapproval, Edward pulled off his jacket, placing it over Bella's shoulders before pulling her close to him once again. "Better?" Edward asked Bella as his hands ran up and down her arms trying to warm her chilled skin.

"Much," she sighed, pulling his arms tightly around her and leaning into him, "Mr. Cullen."

Edward smirked in response, his mouth leaning down to whisper in her ear. "That's good, Mrs. Cullen, we wouldn't want you to get sick. I've got far too many plans for you tonight."

Bella could feel the flush of the blood pooling in her cheeks as the words registered in her brain. Ducking her head to hide it, only seemed to egg Edward on, and he chuckled behind her softly at her reaction.

The reception was a small, quaint affair that fit perfectly to everything Bella had hoped for. She had chosen to keep the reception at the park in one of the small shelters they had available for rental. It had been decorated beautifully with twinkling lights and streaming columns of white fabric that hid the rustic nature of the building. There had been plenty of food, catered in by a small catering company, which everyone seemed to enjoy.

They shared the traditional dance, swaying together softly across the small stone area, their eyes never leaving each others for a moment. When it came time to dance the father/daughter dance Carlisle walked up and gently swept her into his arms and twirled her across the floor. They cut the cake, sharing the piece messily causing Alice and Emmett to cheer. Instead of using napkins, they gently licked the frosting off of each other, sharing an intense gaze and a promise of things to come.

When the party dwindled down, they kissed their children goodbye, making them promise to be good for their new grandparents before piling into car. As they pulled away from the park, Bella looked back behind her and smiled at the family still mulling about. It had been a perfect evening and it was only just beginning.

-

The heat in the car had been cranked to high, to compensate for the wet clothes that still brought a slight chill to their bodies. There was a palpable tension building between them, the heat of it warming Bella's chilled body slightly. The car ride remained comfortably quiet as they drove the short journey to the hotel. They would be staying at the hotel for the night before leaving for their honeymoon the next morning. She couldn't help but feel grateful for Rose who had packed their suitcases into her little car and delivered them to the hotel, so that they wouldn't have to worry about them.

Pulling up under the awning, Bella could feel the subtle shift and change in the energy around them. It caused a set of butterflies to flutter in her stomach and for the first time in awhile Bella felt nervous. They checked in, under Mr. and Mrs. Cullen, and the words seemed to effect both of them equally as they shot each other a tense stare.

On the elevator, Edward finally pulled her closer, his fingers tangling in her up-do and tugging at the bobby-pins holding it in place. As her hair tumbled around her shoulders, his lips met hers kissing her deeply until her knees felt week. When the ding signified they had arrived on their floor, Edward swept her up into her arms and carried her down the hall, only setting her down for a moment to push the key into the reader before sweeping her back up into his arms and carrying her across the threshold of the door.

The nerves were back in full force as Bella stood in the middle of the room, her eyes scanning the large bed. As if sensing what she was feeling Edward leaned in and kissed her, his hands trailing down her arms to grip her hands.

"Are you alright, Mrs. Cullen?"

Bella took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to explain everything she was feeling, everything the day had done to her. Instead she found herself speechless and short of breath. Edward, seeming to sense what she was feeling, smiled at her softly before squeezing her hands.

"Do you feel that," he asked pulling her hand up and placing it upon his heart, "Feel what you do to me."

Bella looked up, her eyes meeting Edwards. There was a blazing intensity and need in his eyes that resonated through her whole body. With a small shudder, Bella realized that she felt it too and that words weren't really needed to describe it. For a moment they stood, eyes scanning each other hungrily. Suddenly she reached out, pulling him to her their lips meeting somewhere in the middle.

The wet material of her dress clung to her and she tugged at the material for a moment before trailing her hands down his back, tugging at his dress jacket. It dropped to the floor, pooling next to the small puddles of water they had unknowingly dragged in with them.

His hands moved around her, pulling her closer to him, before tracing the contours of her body. Pulling his lips away from hers, Edward bent down and trailed his tongue along the droplets of streaming water on Bella's neck. Placing a few small kisses where he just licked, Edward reached behind her grasping the zipper of her dress and tugged.

It felt as if Bella could hear each little click of the teeth as the small metal zipper brushed past it and her breath caught in her throat as she leaned her head back and groaned. Taking the opportunity Edward leaned in and began to place open-mouthed kisses along her neck and shoulders before sucking on the juncture where the two places met.

With a soft swoosh, the material of her dress fell away from her. Bella could feel the fire in Edward's gaze as he glanced over the white lacy underwear that she and Rose had picked out. His eyes lingered for a moment on her garter belt before Edward threw his head back and let out a small groan.

"I missed you last night," Edward whispered as he pulled her to him, his face rubbing against her neck and his hands trailing across the bare expanse of her back. Bella bit back a groan as his fingers traced the lace of her boy-shorts before gently snapping the material against her hip. The words and actions seemed to have a profound effect on her and Bella felt as if her legs were going to give out.

"I missed you too," she replied as she tugged at the buttons of his shirt, quickly popping them open and shoving it off of him. Her fingers traced along the edge of his pants, dipping under the material for a moment before coming to rest at his belt. Tugging on the material, she leaned forward, her mouth finding his left nipple and circling it several times before biting down. Letting out a low growl, Edward pulled her closer. She tugged on his pants, and he swiftly kicked them off sending them across the room.

Bella's head felt hazy, and as Edward reached around and unhooked her bra, her head fell back moaning with need and desire. Trailing his fingers over the expanse between her breasts, Edward reached the lacy white material of her underwear and garter belt. Unclipping the two small clasps, Edward let his fingers run over the expanse of her thighs as gently tugged her stockings down her legs.

Standing up, he placed his mouth next to her ear gently sucking on the lobe as he tugged the garter down, causing her to shimmy out of it. "You know what's nice about a hotel room," he whispered, nipping at the lobe, "There are no kids to hear us Bella." His hand slipped into her underwear and a single finger slipped into her as he continued to whisper. "No kids to interrupt us," his breath fanned over her ear, "And no time limit what so ever." Moaning in approval, Bella gasped as he began to build a rhythm, his finger slipping steadily in and out of her.

"Edward," she groaned and he chuckled against her cheek, before pulling away and tugging the last remnants of her underwear off of her. His eyes were dark and full of longing and for a moment Bella was again taken back by how beautiful he truly was. With two small steps, Bella could feel the edge of the bed. Wrapping her arms around his neck, Bella tugged him down onto the mattress and into her arms.

Looking deep into his eyes, Bella felt a surge of emotion fill her and her eyes watered. Emotion filled his face as Edward reached up and gently brushed the few stray tears away. Reaching down, Bella tugged his boxers off and watched as he kicked them off his feet. Nuzzling his face in her neck Edward gently pushed into her causing Bella to gasp.

For a moment she forgot to breathe and then suddenly her breath came out in a large whoosh, causing him to smile softly. With their eyes fixed on each other, Edward pulled her to him tightly holding her against his body.

"I love you, Mrs. Cullen" he spoke fiercely before thrusting into her deeply.

Throwing her head back, Bella let out a load moan responding in kind. "I love you too, Mr. Cullen." In that moment something clicked and suddenly Bella was overwhelmed by a wave of sensations and feelings that caused a pleasure to trickle across her whole body. He was hers and she was his.

Gripping his hair, Bella tugged his face down to her, their tongues and lips meeting and their teeth nipping at the other. Letting out a low moan, Edward thrust into her, pulling her body against him to meet the motion.

"Yes, Edward, please," she whimpered as he slowed down his movements, his hand tracing the curve of her spine. He smirked in response before firmly gripping her hips and pulling her closer to him. Bella can feel the pull in her stomach, growing ever tighter, and she clenches her eyes tight seeing stars.

"I want to hear you, Bella," Edward groans as he quickens his pace.

"Edward," Bella mutters unable to find or form other words. He seems to enjoy this as a small growl of pleasure escapes his lips causing her body to tremble beneath him. His grip tightens and the heat in her stomach seems to intensify and grow. "Edward," she calls again, her fingers gripping his hair and tugging the ends.

"Oh god," she whimpers, his hands tracing the outline of her neck, her shoulder, before his mouth follows. Grabbing her legs, he wraps them around him, lifting her bottom off the bed and creating a new angle for him to enter her. Pushing in hard, Bella finds her head tilted back a stream of nonsense escaping her lips as she cries outs in pleasure.

"That's it," he growls, "Come for me love."

Her mouth opens and closes silently, forming a subtle _oh_ shape, as she tumbles over the edge. "Edward," she screams as white flashes behind her eyes and her body quivers. Edward thrusts into her once, then twice, before crying out in pleasure, his teeth sinking into the delicate skin of her shoulder.

A moment later he pulls away slightly, his body falling to her side. Wrapping his arms around her, he tugs her body closer, both still shaking with aftershocks. Naked and a bit cold from the rain, Edward reached down and pulled the covers over them before huddling next to her once more.

"That was _something,_" he whispered his wet hair clinging to his face.

"That was _intense,_" Bella replied, her voice gravelly and rough from shouting. Her body felt heavy, exhausted, and tired. A comfortable silence overtook them as they lay staring at the ceiling. Leaning forward she kissed him, lazily, before tucking her head into his arm and sighing.

Bella could tell when Edward had fallen asleep, his breath trailing across her forehead gently and evenly. The peacefulness of the situation calms and soothes her and fills her heart with an immeasurable amount of love. She can feel the weight of sleep heavy on her eyes and can't help the small smile that flutters across her face. After everything that happened, everything they had been through, Edward was still able to make her feel more than ever before; completely whole.

**_As always, thanks to all of you who added to your favorites, alerts, or reviewed... I love hearing what you think!_**

**_I'm not sure if there will be more outtakes or not, I miss these guys (and found it surprisingly easy to jump back in and write for)... _**

**_Thanks to my beta Pixie for cheering me along when I was writing the lemon... bow chicka wow wow music and all! _**

**_N_**


	44. A note

I know a lot of people have been hearing about the problems that writers have been having with this website. It is for this reason along with several others that I have decided to start posting on livejournal (as well). My account here will still be active and I will still be posting here but I want to use livejournal as a way to interact with you guys.

I will be posting sneak peeks, posting about the writing process, posting new stories, and sharing the music that is helping inspire me.

I've been thinking for quite awhile about revamping a few of my stories, including To Feel. These new re-vamped versions will stay true to their former plot but there is things that I feel were left out or that could be added to make the plot better. These new revamped versions will be posted on livejournal.

The link to my livejournal account can be found in my profile.

I encourage you to come on over and take a look, if you like it, then add me as a friend and join in on the fun.

**New updates should be coming soon…**

**Until then...**

**N**


End file.
